Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Kurtz]

I've been asked about five times now from different teachers in my school to offer some condolences and sometimes money to teachers for the death of their loved ones.

eg., "Excuse me Mr X, the Vice Principal's brother-in law passed away, would you like to come and mourn with the male relatives all night?"

eg., "Excuse me Mr X, the art teacher's father-in- law died, would you like to come and be with the art teacher and make a donation for the funeral?"


I have to say, pretend crying and offering money for people I've never even met is a bit much for me, so I have had to make some fast excuses. My co-worker said coming along would be an experience in Korean culture, but that's one aspect I'd rather not experience.


Has the same thing happened to others? what did you say? Is it bad to keep saying no? will my saying no be noticed?

I like my school and the other teachers but I'm not really a part of the big Korean family here, I don't want to appear rude and uncaring, but, me going along and pretending to care is even worse I think.

[fromtheuk]

Tell them you feel so sad you need to take a sick day. Then you'll get a call from your co-teacher, saying the VP is concerned about yor health and wants a medical check.

You can then explain you're allowed 7 consecutive days without a doctors note, and I'm sure they'll stop asking you after that.

I honestly feel all of these issues are complex games played on the native. Just issue a general statement about the sadness which comes with the loss of a loved one.

Then, just say you have other plans you've already made and you're sad that you cannot make it.

[refikaM]

I was asked to "donate" money several times at my MS when someone's grandmother/father, brother, sister-in-law, mother, uncle, etc. passed.. I was not friendly with or ever even had conversations with these people.. in fact.. didn't know their names or knew who they were.. Of course it was "optional" but the way it was presented to me.. Umm..I really don't think it was.. I always "donated" 10,000 won..

[bluelake]

Over the years, I have given condolence money to many people, but there was always a connection to me.

On the flip side, twenty years ago when my brother died, only one person offered me condolences (and even gave me condolence money). I did receive some remarks from a couple others along the lines of, "Well, it was only your brother and not a parent or child."

[Mr. Pink]

I never once went to a Korean funeral. Sadly, even one of my friends who died, I couldn't bring myself to go. I really hate funerals, and when I learned they hold these in the hospital, no way. When I was young I saw a relative eaten up by cancer in a hospital, guess it scarred me.

I did give money to those who I knew or were in my department. I think Koreans can understand if you don't "donate" to those who you absolutely have no idea who they are. If they don't, once you explain to them, they should

[Young FRANKenstein]

[Xuanzang]

[Young FRANKenstein]

[Unposter]

Personally, I find this troubling. In principle, it is a good idea. It is kind of like a no premium insurance. When someone dies, marries, has a child, etc...everyone at the office chips in and gives some money. At my wife's school, this is formalized. They all chip in every month into a fund and then they collect when something happens. So far, so good.

So, when a co-worker of mine had something come up - it was usually a wedding but sometimes the birth of a child, I would chip in to.

So, when I got married, I recieved nothing. Nonetheless, I gave out rice cake to everyone. And, when my children were born, again, I recieved nothing. I had one part-time teacher offer to get me a present which I politely told her she didn't have to do and then, well, she didn't.

After that, I just stopped giving and nobody seemed to care.

Now, before you go on saying they are giving me some subtle hint, I have a very good relationship with my Korean co-workers and have worked at the same place for many years. Admittedly, they are pretty tolerant about me not following all Korean customs and following all Korean manners but I have tried some.

It just seems to me that they just find it easier to not include me in this one thing.

In a way, it is easier for me, too. It is one less thing I have to worry about. But, it still makes me scratch my head why they didn't return the favor to me. I don't stay up late worrying about it or let it affect me in way but when I see threads like this, I do find it curious.

That said, your co-workers probably don't know what to say around you so they act the way they would around their Korean co-workers. They are probably talking to each other saying so and so died. No, really? That's terrible. Are you going to give money? Yes, of course, I am going to give money. They just don't know what else to say or do around you.

I think if you gave some money, they would/should consider you part of the group. But, if you don't, assuming they were relatively reasonable and tolerant people, they would understand that you really are not part of the group and you should not have to be included in this way. Regardless, some kind words or even a card might be seen as a Western way of dealing with the situation.

[Kurtz]

I guess it's not so much the money thing, I'm not a total tightwad, but saying that, the Korean teachers are always forking out for weddings, funerals and it seems to amount to quite a bit of money, and like one poster said, would that be reciprocated if I got hitched?

I appreciate the token gesture to becoming a part of the group, but considering the language problem, I don't want to put myself in certain situations. Such a situation would be the invitation to drink soju in a hospital with grieving relatives when I have never met the recently deceased. What's the point? I'm just being fake and possibly the others will be thinking who the hell is that white guy.

Like I said, it's not so much the money, it's the hanging around a hospital, being with people I can't communicate with. Usually they don't make an issue of it, but my co-worker suggested it would be a good experience in Korean culture to go to the hospital, but I'd rather get up at 4AM and do a temple stay then hang around a hospital knocking back C1 soju and feel like a total outsider as I wouldn't really be a part of it all.

[bluelake]

My above-mentioned experience wasn't meant as a complaint; it was just an event a long time ago that had me scratching my head at the time. I have, since that time, given condolence money many, many times. I have comforted Korean friends on the loss of loved ones. I have seen Korean friends become incapacitated and spent many an hour at the hospital looking in on them. I will continue to do so.

[Kurtz]

bluelake,


I wasn't saying you are complaining, not at all.

If this was a matter of just giving 10,000 won here and there, no problem. When they want me to go to the hospital, well I have to draw the line there mainly because I don't know the dead persom, hardly know the relative and can't communicate my sincere regret.

I'm surprised this more people haven't had the same experience at their school.

[Fishead soup]

Wet your socks and put on a ratty old pair of shoes. Cultivate the perfect condition of stinkfoot. You'll be sitting on the floor the whole time so the stench will permiate.

People aren't allowed to bath or change their socks during funerals.

[Robot_Teacher]

If it were a co-teacher I think highly of, talk with regularly, and who shows acceptance and support of my being here, I'd definitely give them my condolences, donate money if expressivly needed by co-teacher, and probably go to the funeral. It should also be noted that your PS co-teachers, principal, and downtown education office staff are paid more than you and most likely have family life insurance. If it were the principal whome I have no relationship with and a man who tried to pass blame on me for his corrupt act of stealing phone service from the school, I'd wouldn't do anything as I have no respect for him other than motioning customs such as greeting him and standing up when everyone else does as he enters a room. I'd excuse myself from being involved with a funeral that means nothing to me. If they can't accept that in the event this happens, they can fire me. That's how I feel about it.

Do Westeners give condolence money? I've never heard of this. When my dad died, no one was handing me money and selecting the funerary and burial services was a difficult process as we only had $5,000 life insurance on him. I sure could had used $5,000 more instead of picking the cheapest stuff and I also could had used some money for unpaid time off while I was living paycheck to paycheck on very little. Not only was the grieving process extremely difficult as well as feeling cheated that my dad died too young at the age of 52 while my friends still have their dads well into their 60's and 70's, but the personal financial problems just did it for me. Arrrgh!

[English Matt]