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Big_Bird
Joined: 31 Jan 2003
Location: Sometimes here sometimes there...
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 Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:39 pm Post subject: Tweeted relief at miscarriage and world went bananas. |
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I cannot believe how this could have become international news. A woman was relieved that she had a miscarriage. So what? Millions of woman all through history have been delighted and relieved when they had a miscarriage. What's new? I secretly hoped for a miscarriage when I fell pregnant with my first son, as it was an unexpected shock and an event that I didn't feel ready for at that point in my life.
She had quite a normal reaction. But the media all around the world went absolutely nutty.
When Penelope Trunk tweeted that she was sitting in a meeting having a miscarriage, she didn't expect the uproar that followed
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Recently, I updated my Twitter feed: "I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up three-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."
I am 42 years old and run a social networking site for managing careers, and a blog with half a million visitors a month. On Twitter, the micro-blogging site, my feed is one of the most popular around. I have tweeted about my sex life, my period, and even a minor run-in with the police. For me, Twitter is a way to make a note about the most important things that happen in the day. So, I never thought this message would cause uproar. But it did.
Television, blogs and newspapers around the world reported what I had written. People posted critcisms on my blog. I was even interviewed on CNN where the news anchor asked me, "Young lady, do you have no shame?" My boyfriend's extended family called to make sure he was dumping me � although my mother told me she was proud of my CNN interview and forwarded it to all her feminist friends.
People were shocked at my response to the miscarriage. But I was shocked by their outrage. I am not sure why people think there is a "correct" emotion for miscarriages. For anything, really. Emotions are complicated. Sometimes people laugh in a crisis because they can't control themselves. We know some men walk away during a fight, we know some parents hit their kids when they love them. Pregnancies, too, are complicated. Something I knew when I wrote that tweet.
I have given birth to two children and they are the love of my life. They are four and seven years old. And they are difficult, fun, scary, smart and always seem to need something from me � they make my life feel full and important. I also understand the pain a miscarriage can cause. I had one in between having my two kids, and I thought I was never going to recover. I remember the ultrasound technician's face when she saw the baby was dead. I knew before she told me: I screamed and had to be put in a separate room at the doctor's office because I had a panic attack and nearly fainted. I was inconsolable for days. I was scared I'd never have another child. I hated myself for not trying to have children sooner.
But this time was different. I knew I did not want the baby. Is that so bad?
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Some people say that a miscarriage is too private to discuss at work. But why? It's an important part of a woman's experience. It is not dirty or evil or shameful. A large number of women will have miscarriages in their lifetime. It's part of being a woman. And most men at the office have lived through the miscarriage of a significant other. It's an experience that happens over weeks, not hours. And it happens at work. We talk about death at work. We talk about violence at work. We talk about emotional problems such as breakups and mishaps and major disappointments. Why can't we talk about miscarriage? Who is hurt by keeping the topic taboo?
Others say I should not have discussed my experience on Twitter, but Twitter is not a public forum. Those who want to read my tweets have to sign up to receive my updates. And I can approve or disapprove people on an individual basis. The percentage of people who subscribe to my Twitter feed who were offended by my miscarriage tweet is very small. I know because you can unsubscribe to the feed, and only about 70 did.
I believe that the history of women can be seen, in some ways, as a history of language. The more women talk about their experiences, the more power they have to shape those experiences. Words such as date rape and antenatal depression are empowering because they give us ways to talk about issues that were hidden when we did not have the language to express them. We have a word for miscarriage. We should use it to explore the complicated issues around it.
If you insist on keeping the word private, you force the experience of women back into darkness. If you start telling women which media is appropriate for which emotion, you undermine the progress we make.
I didn't think about any of this when I wrote my tweet. But all the media attention has made me think a lot more, and I'm glad I have. I'm smarter for it.
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Fox
Joined: 04 Mar 2009
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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Anyone who experiences any sense of outrage, anger, or even irritation over this woman's feelings or her tweeting of them is beyond understanding as far as I'm concerned. Who cares what this woman feels about her miscarriage, especially given the feeling in question is probably not particularly uncommon?
That said, this:
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I believe that the history of women can be seen, in some ways, as a history of language. The more women talk about their experiences, the more power they have to shape those experiences. Words such as date rape and antenatal depression are empowering because they give us ways to talk about issues that were hidden when we did not have the language to express them. We have a word for miscarriage. We should use it to explore the complicated issues around it.
If you insist on keeping the word private, you force the experience of women back into darkness. If you start telling women which media is appropriate for which emotion, you undermine the progress we make.
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is some seriously idiotic nonsense. This pretty clearly isn't about oppressing women, or empowerment, or which media she communicated it through. It's about the fact that she felt something that other people -- for whatever reason -- felt was monsterous, and they spoke out about it. I don't agree with their feelings on the matter, but in criticizing them, she's just invalidating her own case. If she's free to babble on public channels of communication about being happy about her miscarriage, the rest of the world is just as free to condemn her for it if they want. That's not disempowering her, it's not telling her she can't talk, it's just them doing exactly what she herself is doing: the speaking of one's mind.
Women need to learn to stop making everything into a bloody women's issue. I doubt a man who tweeted that he was happy his wife had a miscarriage would have been particularly well received by any of these people either. Of course, I've never met a man who would dare to say that, either, even if it were true. |
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riverboy
Joined: 03 Jun 2003
Location: Incheon
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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I secretly hoped for a miscarriage when I fell pregnant with my first son, as it was an unexpected shock and an event that I didn't feel ready for at that point in my life.
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Not much of a secret anymore is it? |
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Big_Bird
Joined: 31 Jan 2003
Location: Sometimes here sometimes there...
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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| riverboy wrote: |
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I secretly hoped for a miscarriage when I fell pregnant with my first son, as it was an unexpected shock and an event that I didn't feel ready for at that point in my life.
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Not much of a secret anymore is it? |
Since you don't know me, it hardly matters. |
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djsmnc
Joined: 20 Jan 2003
Location: Dave's ESL Cafe
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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| If someone has a miscarriage and is somewhat happy or relieved about it, will she go to heaven? |
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Big_Bird
Joined: 31 Jan 2003
Location: Sometimes here sometimes there...
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Fox wrote: |
| Women need to learn to stop making everything into a bloody women's issue. |
Is that a deliberate pun? |
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Fox
Joined: 04 Mar 2009
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Big_Bird wrote: |
| Fox wrote: |
| Women need to learn to stop making everything into a bloody women's issue. |
Is that a deliberate pun? |
No, but now that you mention it, I wish it had been. I'm totally insensitive, and it's hilarious.
If I had tweeted it, maybe I too could receive scorn at an international level. |
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sarahsiobhan
Joined: 24 May 2009
Location: Wherever I am , I am probably drinking tea.
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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Mr. Fox, I nearly always agree with your posts, and in this case I see your point, but I will raise you an opinion.
As a feminist (an actual degree-holding one) I agree that often women jump into the Women's Issue Frenzy, ie. "He told me off for being late to work! I am being persecuted for being a woman!" or "He said I looked nice today! I am being sexually harassed and I want his @ss FIRED!" So silly and ultimately detrimental.
HOWEVER......the reproductive systems of women have ALWAYS been a hot political issue, and I am not at all surprised this Tweet has garnered the attention that it did. Anti-Choice people will say "How dare she treat the death of a fully legal human in such a callous way! Burn her!" whereas the Pro-Choice will say "See? Unwanted pregnancies suck! We should all have the autonomy of our own bodies!" Obviously, any person with a rational mind is Pro-Choice ( I know I am asking for it by saying this by the way) but we don't all have them. So, my opinion is this:
I agree that often women jump on the Women's Issue Bandwagon......but this isn't it. This is just part of the nasty subversive attack on autonomy that women in the States have to deal with every day. Thank God I am Canadian and can get an abortion if I choose to, usually within a matter of days.
ps-I adore an unintentional pun! Bloody hilarious!
pps-That bit you quoted about the history of women being largely a history of language is actually absolutely spot-on. But that is not the point of this thread so I will let it go.
Cheers! |
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Fox
Joined: 04 Mar 2009
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| Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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| sarahsiobhan wrote: |
| I agree that often women jump on the Women's Issue Bandwagon......but this isn't it. This is just part of the nasty subversive attack on autonomy that women in the States have to deal with every day. Thank God I am Canadian and can get an abortion if I choose to, usually within a matter of days. |
I understand that reproductive issues are often seen by feminists as directly related to the autonomy of women, but I don't feel that's the way that many people on the other side of the issue really feel. Let's take the most famous and obvious example: abortion rights. While I agree that denying women abortion rights would de facto limit their autonomy, I don't feel that most people who are against abortion are against it in order to limit the autonomy of women. Rather, I think their stance is genuinely based on a desire to protect the life of the baby in question. Any affect that has on the woman's autonomy is almost assuredly tertiary in their mind (which is why I feel they come to the incorrect conclusion).
Likewise, I really don't feel that the people who are outraged by this are outraged because they are somehow against women's autonomy. Rather, I think they had a knee-jerk emotional reaction based on their affection for babies. I don't agree with their reaction; I think it was poorly thought out and I can understand completely why the woman would feel what she felt. None the less, it's very easy to understand how someone could react with shock and horror to what she said if they didn't think it through. "A pregnant woman who is happy her potential child died in the womb? Oh my God!" A very easy sentiment to hold if you don't think about it at more than a superficial level, and most people involved probably limited their thinking to the purely superficial. |
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