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Triban
Joined: 14 Jul 2009
Location: Suwon Station
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 Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm a guy and I've faked it before. I have a problem where I only get off around 50% of the time unless I'm doing it for 2+ hours. The times that girls have asked about it, I've told them it isn't their fault and I'm just like that (even though sometimes it is their fault). They still blame themselves and freak out, or say I'll do better next time. |
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silver_butterfly
Joined: 12 Nov 2006
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:43 pm Post subject: |
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Was wondering if I could get some advice here from men and women alike...
My friend recently started dating a guy she has been friends with for 3 years. They get on really well and are comfortable with eachother. Her problem is her bf doesn't really try to satisfy her, or at least he has some odd opinions about what women 'like from past relationships...he seems to by-pass most foreplay and assumes the woman is 'ready to go' just like a man. Of course, getting straight to sex and the man being dominant and forceful is good, but the problem is it's starting to be like that all the time (they only meet once a week).
Basically, she's very attracted to him and enjoys being with him - she also enjoys the sex they do have - but she's starting to feel frustrated because he's not listening to her. She's hinted at things she likes, and more recently has started telling hm more directly (I can't come through just sex, I need you to use your fingers...no not just there...I mean my whole body...). He listens to her and makes a mental note, but after almost 2 months, nothing's changing.
She really likes him and thinks there's serious potential to make this something good (as everyhting else is going really well) but he doesn't seem to be picking up on her hints or suggestions. Perhaps she's scared to hurt his feelings - more so cause they have been friends for so long.
I suggested that she gives him a book to read which has a lot of ideas/advice and helps men understand what woman want better.....But she's a little nervous that may offend him.
Any advice from the rest of you? |
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Fox
Joined: 04 Mar 2009
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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| silver_butterfly wrote: |
Was wondering if I could get some advice here from men and women alike...
My friend recently started dating a guy she has been friends with for 3 years. They get on really well and are comfortable with eachother. Her problem is her bf doesn't really try to satisfy her, or at least he has some odd opinions about what women 'like from past relationships...he seems to by-pass most foreplay and assumes the woman is 'ready to go' just like a man. Of course, getting straight to sex and the man being dominant and forceful is good, but the problem is it's starting to be like that all the time (they only meet once a week).
Basically, she's very attracted to him and enjoys being with him - she also enjoys the sex they do have - but she's starting to feel frustrated because he's not listening to her. She's hinted at things she likes, and more recently has started telling hm more directly (I can't come through just sex, I need you to use your fingers...no not just there...I mean my whole body...). He listens to her and makes a mental note, but after almost 2 months, nothing's changing.
She really likes him and thinks there's serious potential to make this something good (as everyhting else is going really well) but he doesn't seem to be picking up on her hints or suggestions. Perhaps she's scared to hurt his feelings - more so cause they have been friends for so long.
I suggested that she gives him a book to read which has a lot of ideas/advice and helps men understand what woman want better.....But she's a little nervous that may offend him.
Any advice from the rest of you? |
How about designing a power point presentation? If a powerful, interactive multimedia presentation can convince a company to piss away millions of dollars on a stupid advertising campaign, I'm sure it can convince her boyfriend to engage in foreplay. |
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aboxofchocolates
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Location: on your mind
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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| You people. Sex is for making babies! Silly gooses. |
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sarahsiobhan
Joined: 24 May 2009
Location: Wherever I am , I am probably drinking tea.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:17 am Post subject: |
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Silver Butterfly-
Sex is pretty damn important. My first serious (read-sexual) relationship was awful, only I didn't know any better. The second, I was like "OHHHH! NOW I get it!" It was a revelation.
If he is really not trying, not listening to her, and it's been so long, he is selfish, and no one should waste time with selfish lovers. He may make a great friend, but she needs to find a new bf! One whose ears work, preferably. |
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Faunaki
Joined: 15 Jun 2007
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 6:29 am Post subject: |
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| Sounds like she's telling the truth. |
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mc_jc
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Location: C4B- Cp Red Cloud, Area-I
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:26 am Post subject: |
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I guess everyone here gets the chance to play Dr. Ruth...
SB- it sounds like your "friend" needs to sit down with her bf and talk about what she wants out of sex. Yeah, the guy might take it the wrong way, but communication is the key to a good relationship and health sexual experience.
My advice- everytime your friend and her bf have sex, she should drop hints of when something he does is good- moan louder, grab him firmer, etc. And sometimes it could be good for the woman to take the aggressive role and try to dominate the man during sex- basically point out "forcefully" what she likes- he'll take it as a part of foreplay.
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I think orgasms are just as physical for women. Actually, in many ways, they seem to be more intense, too. However, I think the process in getting us there can be a lot more complicated than for men.
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The key is trying to get to that point. The wave and ebbs of emotion is what differentiates us from women- we could rely more on the "touch" than the "feeling" of the moment.
I feel a good way to get from point-A to point-B is to take it easy and both should try to reciprocate during sex.
The problem is that men are always rip-roaring to "get it on" while women tend to think that he should "what what I want". This could lead to desaster and which is why communication is the key. |
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AmericanExile
Joined: 04 May 2009
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 8:32 am Post subject: |
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| peppermint wrote: |
| The other reason, is that lots of men are delicate little flowers who take it as a personal affront if their partner doesn't come. |
I would suggest that if this is your sincere belief then you have never dated a man but boys of advanced age.
It seems some people on this thread are discounting the importance of the mental and emotional in the male sexual experience. I agree that for male teens or even college aged men that immaturity combined with overdoes of hormones the physical element can overshadow the mental and emotional. Everyone here should be out of college, and with any luck had enough experience to understand there is some complexity to it. By comparison, male physiology is much simpler and therefore predictable. However, orgasm is not a definitive sign of satisfaction. I hope I'm not the only man here who has had the experience of having good sex, but it feeling empty and unsatisfying.
Also, I had friend that I had known since 1st grade who was like a brother. He got hit by semi and ended up in a permanent vegetative state. The plug was pulled after 9 months. I was devastated when I found out about the accident and his condition. At one point several days later, my girlfriend at the time tried to use sex to make me feel better. I tried to put her off, but she persisted because I was or a part of me was responding to her. Of course it responded. She could be uber sexy when she wanted to. Getting her to understand that the *beep* did not get a vote was more difficult than it should have been because of this very misconception that men are ruled by the physical.
As to how to deal with a man that isn't listening:
First, you cannot deal with it in the moment. Deal with it when sex is not an option like an email or phone call. Men can get tunnel vision once proceedings are underway.
Second, avoid mixed messages. Be blunt. As a man, I have been in that situation where a woman claims she told me something that I argue she did not. I remember talking about the topic. Simple clear declarative statements? Not a one. Hints, suggestions, and weak, qualified statements that are meant not to hurt his feelings generally do not get the job done.
Try this in an email: Sex between us is not satisfying to me anymore. I need it to change for the better in the following ways ...
It is likely he will have some hurt feelings over this. Too a degree that's the point. It will get his attention. Think of it like spraying a dog with a hose to keep it from humping, well anything. There will be that moment when he looks at you like "what the hell? you didn't need to do that." The truth is you did. Just don't go too far.
Once you have been blunt and direct and gotten his attention, then you can add things that make him feel better and appeal to his masculine side such as:
I say this to you because you are a good man. I believe you care about me, and want me to be happy which is why I feel I can say these things to you. (You may want to phrase it as "I feel safe enough to say...").
IMPORTANT POINT: Blame. Do not under any circumstance say anything about how many times you've tried to say this to him in the past. Women often want men to know how hard they have been to reach. It serves no purpose other than ego driven satisfaction. It will poison the conversation. Forget the past. Concentrate on working positively toward the future. Don't make him feel blamed. If blame is brought into the mix it should be for you to shoulder some blame. It is important to note: some of the blame is yours. You participated in getting to where the relationship is now. You may have resisted to a degree, but not enough by definition. Blame sharing is also an effective way to build a partnership.
Sometimes it is easy to go along with the way things are. I should have made more of an effort to help you understand my dissatisfaction earlier, but it is a hard topic talk about. There are not many people who I have ever felt I could say these things to. The fact that I can say these things to you is what makes our relationship so special to me.
End with a reassertion of the important combined with a minimization of threat through partnership.
This really is important to me, but I have no doubt that we can have a lot of fun making things better together.
Finally I would emphasize the use of email especially. It helps you control tone, and gives him time to consider before responding. Say what you need to say but be as brief as possible. Avoid tangents. Avoid overwhelming him. Avoid sounding crazy by rambling. Brief, direct, simple, clear, blunt, positive, non-blaming and goal oriented. In all conversations with men these are words you should keep in mind. |
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sarahsiobhan
Joined: 24 May 2009
Location: Wherever I am , I am probably drinking tea.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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AmericanExile-
Well said, sir. If only more men were as enlightened! |
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calicoe
Joined: 23 Dec 2008
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, seconded. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.  |
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silver_butterfly
Joined: 12 Nov 2006
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:15 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry to hear about your friend too.
Thank you and everyone else who gave me some interesting answers and suggestions. I'll let her know and see what she decides to do! |
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mayorgc
Joined: 19 Oct 2008
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 6:42 am Post subject: |
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| Triban wrote: |
| I'm a guy and I've faked it before. I have a problem where I only get off around 50% of the time unless I'm doing it for 2+ hours. The times that girls have asked about it, I've told them it isn't their fault and I'm just like that (even though sometimes it is their fault). They still blame themselves and freak out, or say I'll do better next time. |
You go for 2+ hours??? Do you mean 2+ hours of straight intercourse?? in and out and in and out? Doesn't one of you get really sore or raw after such a long time?
I read that 7-13 mins is what's prefered by the ladies. |
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DrugstoreCowgirl
Joined: 08 May 2009
Location: Daegu-where the streets have no name
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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| mayorgc wrote: |
| Triban wrote: |
| I'm a guy and I've faked it before. I have a problem where I only get off around 50% of the time unless I'm doing it for 2+ hours. The times that girls have asked about it, I've told them it isn't their fault and I'm just like that (even though sometimes it is their fault). They still blame themselves and freak out, or say I'll do better next time. |
You go for 2+ hours??? Do you mean 2+ hours of straight intercourse?? in and out and in and out? Doesn't one of you get really sore or raw after such a long time?
I read that 7-13 mins is what's prefered by the ladies. |
That depends on how good the guy is 
And 2+ hours does make you a little sore, but it's worth it haha. |
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calicoe
Joined: 23 Dec 2008
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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| mayorgc wrote: |
| Triban wrote: |
| I'm a guy and I've faked it before. I have a problem where I only get off around 50% of the time unless I'm doing it for 2+ hours. The times that girls have asked about it, I've told them it isn't their fault and I'm just like that (even though sometimes it is their fault). They still blame themselves and freak out, or say I'll do better next time. |
You go for 2+ hours??? Do you mean 2+ hours of straight intercourse?? in and out and in and out? Doesn't one of you get really sore or raw after such a long time?
I read that 7-13 mins is what's prefered by the ladies. |
Hell no - 2+ hours, non-stop??? Even I would fake it at that point.
Geez. Just give up and try again later. |
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aboxofchocolates
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Location: on your mind
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 1:23 pm Post subject: |
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| It's interesting he would think she's lying, especially now with google at our fingertips. "women who cannot climax"= 1,890,000 results. he should read up and see what he can do. He's be superman. |
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