Korean Job Discussion Forums

[The Bobster]

Recently someone opened a thread asking about how to go about writing comments for student report cards. The original poster was sincere in wanting advice, but several people offered some sarcasm that was hilarious. The stuff posted there by Corporal and Dazed and Confused was priceless - check it out here http://www.eslcafe.com/forums/korea/viewtopic.php?t=2430&start=0 but I sort of thought that if anyone else wants to be funny about it, might as well open a new thread for that ... people who have tangible advice for the original poster can use that other thread for it.

It's something that's been on my mind for a while, the fact that most bosses don't want us to be honest about a kid's lack of progress. Fellow hagwon-toilers know what I'm talking about. At my school, we have separate forms, only seen in-house, where we can say what is true, and we are told clearly that on the report cards that go to the parents should only say nice things.

Sometimes this is the hardest part of the job, but if Mom ever really finds out how little her precious spawn is learning, she'll probably try her luck with the school down the street. Of course, most parents can't understand much of what I write in English, so the effort is probably pointless anyway ...

But a lot of living in Asia is about discovering ways to go around with two separate realities in your brain at the same time. The more cynical among us will say that is intitutionalized hypocrisy, but those of us who've gotten the knack for it know that it is really about "learning to be comfortable inside of ambiguity."

Below, I've listed some things I commonly say on report cards and in a different color I'll share what I'm really thinking when I write it. Below that I'll list some thing I've been trying to find ways to say in an eval but haven't yet come up with the right language for ...

Jack brings a never-ending supply of energy and excitement to the classroom every day ---> Why can't he just sit down?

Emily has a creative mind and a strong sense of individual judgment. ---> She can't seem to color inside the lines to save her life and even when she understands the classroom activity she usually chooses to do something else.

Cindy's exhuberant spirit makes the classroom a fun place for all the students. ---> Your kid goofs off all the time and now the others are up to the same shenanigans, and consequently, no one's learning a damn thing lately.

Angie has been making some small bit of progress lately and it's nice to see a student devoting the effort to her studies. I'm hoping to see more progress in the future as she continues to work on her pronunciation and general level of fluency. ---> It's so sad to see a kid wasting her time and energy on something she clearly has no talent for. She says stuff nobody could possibly understand and when nothing else works she just starts spitting out strings of Korean words ... like that's gonna help.

And here are things I've wanted to say, but of course I'll never be able to ...

-- Jimmy is the worst behaved child I've ever met. I've decided to anaesthetize him for the 90 minutes he's in my class. I've tried adding a little makoli to his milk at lunchtime, but I think his case deserves the extrra cost of a full shot of brandy.

-- Jack has always been a problem in class but now that he's been learning tae kwan do he''s a danger to himself and others. I have bruises and I'm ashamed to tell my girlfriend that they came from a 7-year-old boy.

-- Michael has the idea that English class is the ideal time to practice his soccer kicks. Unfortunately, if no ball is to be found he sometimes uses the smaller kids - please help me persuade him away from this.

-- Mary hasn't learned a thing in my class but I get the impression that's all right with her. She doesn't care a lick about learning English, and I can't say that I blame her : she's cute and her family is rich, so she'll never have any problems in life. She's just smart enough to have figured this out at age 14, so I commend her for that.

-- Joe has a learning disorder which we professional educators refer to as "Extreme Stupidity." There are special programs with educational techniques that can help kids like Joe, but no one here cares enough to do anything special for him. We enjoy laughing at him amongst ourselves in the teacher's lounge, but we usually feel pretty bad about it later.

-- We've all done the best anyone could have expected from us but we've decided that your child is a lost cause. However, she doesn't cause any problems so we hope you'll continue to send her to our school. I'll be thinking fondly of Becky during my next vacation to Singapore.

-- Matthew is not a smart boy and his personality is pretty unpleasant. He's not even very good-looking and some days he smells a little bit bad also. I've given up trying to think of nice things to say about him. Why don't you try keeping him home? I don't think we'll miss him very much.


Maybe it needs a disclaimer - this is all kidding around and in reality I wuv da widdle bastids ...

[Zyzyfer]

"Your kid sucks." If only, if only...

[denz]

every month i would pull out my evaluation/report pro formas. i would write 5 or 6 basic reports (ranging from excellent to pleasantly autistic). then i would insert the names via 'find and replace' on microsoft word. only took half an hour or so.

my teachers used to put "gregarious" on all my reports. that's a code word for 'smart arse' i believe.

but things i wished i could have said...

- jack put the 'youth in asia' into euthanasia
- i believe dexter suffers from a mild form of retardation
- max suffers from monkey-rapist-looking disorder
- glory is probably going to be gay
- most of the time, i feel like slapping the little bitch
- sean is a great student, with a HUGE GOD DAMN HEAD
- further breeding is not recommended.

denz

[jajdude]

Some funny stuff. I like the euphemisms that say nothing in particular but at least don't insult anybody. Kind of like a lowest possible grade of "good".... meaning "poor"

Your daughter has a lot of potential. If she applies herself she might learn a lot. She enjoys having fun.

Your son has a lot of energy. He is talkative and loves to participate in activities that he enjoys. He has learned a good deal in the nine months I've known him.

[eamo]

One report card entry for my worst student ever,
"Brian has a long way to go".
Thats probably the least positive comment I've ever written on a report card. In the hagwon business you don't have to be honest and that includes report cards.

I still think the funniest from the previous thread was
"works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat"
That means so much to any hagwon teacher.

[The Lemon]

Jajdude wrote:

[The Den]

Here is a neat web page that should make comment writing a breeze.

http://www.expage.com/4reportcards

[riley]

things I wish I could say,
-using a big stick for discipline is both immoral and wrong, but with your kid, I'm really tempted.
- I'm glad to know that you love your kid so much, because no one else does.
-your child is a reflection of your parenting, boy did you do a lousy job.
Anyways, these are some, the others are a lot harsher.

[Crazy Oz]

The truth.




Still crazy, still here.

[The Marchioness]

Hello John's Mommy: John is extremely talented in music; he incessantly rolls up his textbook and tootles on it for about 40 minutes out of 45 and that demonstrates quite a bit of staying power, dedication to his cause, and an astonishing ability for saliva distribution. My sincere conviction is that John should become a Sunim; that way, he can ring everybody's bells, and get to wear a grey gown on which the saliva will not show.

Hello Danny's Mommy: Danny has the uncanny ability to furnish me with the most memorable dong-jiim ever experienced by an English teacher; he is also very fond of my breasts and manages to poke either one, the other, or both of them with a repulsively filthy forefinger. It is my belief that Danny will make an excellent proctologist as soon as he has learned proper hygiene.

Dear Billy's Mommy: Billy is always very attentive in class; he fixes me with a glassy and unwavering stare, while he slides his entire hand over the next available thigh and into his buddy's crotch. Billy will be very popular in certain quarters, largely because he manages to perform his little operations without blinking an eye. He has a minor problem with sharp objects, such as scissors, pens, pencils and the like; my guess is that is the reason he finds other peoples' penises so appealing.

Dear Debra's Mommy: Debra really is the most enchanting child! She brings insects into the classrom, watches them walk about, and then picks their legs off them one by one when she thinks I am not looking; your little darling has already furnished me with a number of unforgettable nightmares and I think that she ought to train for the next Spanish Inquisition, or perhaps become a Chindo-kae farmer and restaurant owner. English will not be essential for these fine careers.

Dear Liza's Mommy: Liza always shows up in class on time - and always shows up with a runny nose; I have tried to get your child to wipe, blow, or otherwise dispose of the repellent messes she creates on her textbook, sleeves, hands, and chin. I'm afraid that I am a failure as a teacher, because for the life of me I can't imagine which class I missed in my teachers' training that would explain the mystery of why it is that I am unable to train your nauseating brat the rules of civilized behaviour. I'm sorry, I truly apologize for my weak abilities in that department.

Dear Geoffrey's Mommy: Geoffrey is the most energetic and athletic of my students, and I'm not telling you any lies! This charming boy hides behind the blackboard on a ledge that is not more than two inches wide and how he manages to support that agile little body back there simply mystifies me to no end. He also disappears from school, and despite your frantic phonecalls at 8:00 in the evening, I cannot imagine where that playful little scamp may have gone. I'm sorry that I had to tie him to his chair the other day with the electric cord from my tapeplayer, but the child appeared to be experiencing some sort of fit, St. Vitus Dance I believe it is called. Could be because he does persist in sucking on the blackboard markers; those can't possibly be good for him.

Dear Hannah's Mommy: Hannah is a bewitching darling of a girl; all of 14, and already so promiscuous! She writes the most enchanting notes to me, telling me how much she adores me, and so on. I am used to students having crushes on their teachers, but Hannah is the most diligent of my students - even writing in her diary that she loves me beyond words and writing poetry that would make even Ezra Pound blush and heave a sigh of discontent. Dear Hannah really must direct her attentions elsewhere, as I have never in my life been attracted to another female quite THAT way.

[The Bobster]

Boy oh boy, and I thought MY kids were bad ...

[jajdude]

Your child is rude and spoiled and I blame you.

(wow 4 years later and all is still true herein, eh bobster et al)

[crusher_of_heads]

That's no different than Ontario report cards-strong area/room for improvement

I say I wish I was British what with the stiff upper lip, but with that would come rotten teeth and gum disease....