Korean Job Discussion Forums

[0916]

I have been with my girlfriend for more than two years now and next year may be the time we get married.

I am just about to finish paying off all my credit card debts etc so don't have a lot of money at the moment but I do want to try to do things as well as I can.

My first question is about the process of proposing here. I have only met her father very briefly but I have met her mother a number of times and she is a very kind woman. I think she wants me to marry her daughter and even suggested we live together before we get married so I don't really foresee any problems.

In Korea, should I propose directly to my girlfriend with a ring or should I ask permission from the parents first? I also heard you should give gifts to the mother and father, would good perfume and whisky be acceptable?

My second question is about the rings. I might have to go back into debt to buy these but never mind. I would prefer to just buy good quality wedding rings rather than engagement + wedding. In Korea, should you propose with a ring or do you propose and then buy the rings together?

Thirdly, My girlfriend has always said to me she wouldn't want to get married in a wedding hall (which I am very happy about!) and she will be the 3rd daughter to get married so I don't think the parents will push for that too much. Has anybody on here got married in a smaller more tasteful place? Do they exist in Korea?! How much did people who had a smaller wedding lay out in total?

Fourth, what are the traditions with costs here? I would prefer to do the wedding as low-key as possible and focus on the honeymoon and my girlfriend thinks the same way. I am wondering, as a male, what her family would expect from my family? I have heard the mans family should buy a house and a car but I would not ask that of mine nor would I get it!

I might have some more questions later but these will do for now.

[blackjack]

Can't answer most of the questions but in korea the engagement ring is often plain while the wedding ring is fancy.

[storysinger81]

I would say that it sounds like mom already considers you engaged

Really, I'd propose any way you like (with or without ring...both traditions exist here) and then ask your girlfriend (then fiancee) to help you with the cultural expectations. Some families (higher class) still require the lavish presents, exchanges of large cash gifts, and the expectation that you will provide a home and the woman will furnish it upon your marriage (I would also think twice before marrying into a family that still expects all that because they will also expect a baby one year down the road and you might not be willing to conform to all the ideas of "marriage" they have for you). Many families don't expect these things anymore and are especially willing to alter traditions if a foreigner is involved.

As for getting married, the legal paperwork is done at city hall, so you can do whatever you want for your ceremony. Hell, we wanted to have a beach party and ceremony in the water, but our moms didn't go for it--we're having a swing dance party at the swing dance club my fiance and I belong to; other foreigners have done the Confucian academy dress-up super-traditional wedding (like Chosun era traditional). Some have done a church wedding (I've not been to one of these, but I'm told they are much more tasteful than the wedding halls).

Sounds like you just want to know what's expected of you. For that, your gal is the best source of information. Make it the beginning of MANY talks you will have about adapting to each others' cultures and customs. Good luck.

[0916]

[crossmr]

Remember to get your F2 visa after being married (if you're planning on getting that) you'll likely need to show 30,000,000W in assets (combination of bank accounts/deposits on housing) . If you're close to that you might want to do the paperwork before you drop major cash on the wedding if it looks like its going to go that way.

You'll likely be expected to have a buffet for whoever shows up, so that can be expensive.

I had some friends get married out in in a church in Gimcheon about a year ago. It was the groom's hometown.

[0916]

[Murakano]

no idea about the costs to rent a wedding hall but you will be able to recoup some of that from the wedding guests.....(the whole cash in the envelope thing as gifts.).....my friend got married here recently and recovered a nice sum.

[0916]

[Kurtz]

Have you put much thought into the marriage? I mean, I'm sure she's a sexy girl but stop and think what you're about to do, be married with hardly any money in the bank, does that sound like a good idea?

Considering many marriages fail due to financial problems, you're already on the back foot and you haven't even got the ring on the finger yet. What kind of life do you expect to have here without some kind of money behind you? You'll be in struggle town, especially if she gets pregnant.

Are you on a standard EFL teaching salary? I've met some really sad, bloated, living in the past characters here living as second class citizens married to their Korean wife, make sure you don't end up like them.

The same things apply everywhere in the world, not just Korea, but knowing a few Korean guys who have got married, a house and furnishings is part of the deal when marrying a Korean.

Maybe foreigners are given some leeway on said demands.

Not being negative, just providing some food for thought.

[redaxe]

[0916]

[conbon78]

Couple of things...
1) a wedding hall here can run you about 3000 on the low end...my fiance and I (he's Korean) are going to Greece to get married - so you can really do whatever you want. However, Koreans only believe in getting married in Korea, so be prepared.
2) ring is not necessary unless you want to do it that way
3) I've read a lot about the stupid gifts you are supposed to exchange and how the guy is supposed to talk to her family first and offer money. Well I can tell you that it is up to you how immersed you want to be in this culture. My fiance and I want to do our own thing, so we just told our families not to expect any of that traditional stuff. However, him and I talked about it beforehand. He knows what I want and that I will not, under any circumstances, participate in this culture in the way that it exists. He is well aware and certainly doesn't like his culture either, so it works for us.

So my thought for you is this...you should talk to her before you get engaged. You should know where one another stands and what the expectations of her family would be should you marry into it. In Korea, you don't just marry the girl - you marry the family, so you better be sure that you can live with however its going to be.

Most people that have all the traditional gifts/houses/cars, spend way more than they were hoping for a wedding. Good luck!

[0916]

[crossmr]

[Dazed and Confused]

As many have pointed out, it is up to the families to work out how much they expect to pay for. My husband and I were straighforward with his family as to what we could afford to pay for and pointed out we didn't want to get into heavy debt just to get married. They were very happy with the ceremony we had at a small restuarant on the side of a mountain.
Koreans don't have engagement rings that I know of. My husband thought it was an absurd idea. Most Korean women I know got a set of jewels-necklace, bracelet, earrings, and ring as their "wedding ring". Most of them were 24K gold but the stones were man made. Many couples exchange watches as well. I got an engagement ring with matching band. My husband got a simple gold band (cheap) because he doesn't wear rings. The only time he has ever worn it was for the ceremony, honeymoon, and interviews with the embassy when he needed a US visa. Other than that it sits in a box.
My MIL gave us key money for the house. I bought the furniture and everything inside it when we moved in together 2 years prior to getting married.