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Korean Job Discussion Forums
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Sector7G
Joined: 24 May 2008
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 Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:55 am Post subject: |
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| wooden nickels wrote: |
We still proceed and make changes in life, but only with the full consent of each other. We don't let our desires come into conflict, no selfish pettiness.
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But couldn't it also be called selfish pettiness to veto something that the spouse really, really wants? I mean, doesn't it work both ways? |
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wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:57 am Post subject: |
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| stevieg4ever wrote: |
There are two issues here:
1) the actual surgery
2) the fact she didn't tell him
I might not be married but I find it truly astonishing that someone would get some kind of reconstructive surgery without talking about it with their other half. Its kind of disturbing to be honest and extremely disrespectful.
Thing is you can bet your bottom dollar that she told this friend, that friend and the rest of them. Why not her husband?
This sort of thing sets a very bad precedent for the marriage. |
I agree 100%.
There's probably a reason she didn't tell her husband. Anyone want to take a wild guess what the reason might have been? |
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Sector7G
Joined: 24 May 2008
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:01 am Post subject: |
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| wooden nickels wrote: |
There's probably a reason she didn't tell her husband. Anyone want to take a wild guess what the reason might have been? |
Because it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission? |
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wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:09 am Post subject: |
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| Sector7G wrote: |
| wooden nickels wrote: |
We still proceed and make changes in life, but only with the full consent of each other. We don't let our desires come into conflict, no selfish pettiness.
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But couldn't it also be called selfish pettiness to veto something that the spouse really, really wants? I mean, doesn't it work both ways? |
I really love my wife and attempt to not do anything that could bring her unhappiness. Her happiness is what I really, really want. She feels the same way. It's pettiness to pursue something that the other doesn't want. This is a form of selfishness. There are no vetos in our marriage. We discuss things together and come to a conclusion together. |
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tophatcat
Joined: 09 Aug 2006
Location: under the hat
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:14 am Post subject: |
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| I get what you are saying here, wooden nickels. These things usually take some maturity, wisdom, time, and experience to understand. |
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curlyhoward
Joined: 03 Dec 2008
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:25 am Post subject: |
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| tophatcat wrote: |
| I get what you are saying here, wooden nickels. These things usually take some maturity, wisdom, time, and experience to understand. |
+1^
But you will always get a few coming on her with their sophomoric, pompous challenges playing the devil's advocate. |
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Sector7G
Joined: 24 May 2008
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:38 am Post subject: |
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| curlyhoward wrote: |
| tophatcat wrote: |
| I get what you are saying here, wooden nickels. These things usually take some maturity, wisdom, time, and experience to understand. |
+1^
But you will always get a few coming on her with their sophomoric, pompous challenges playing the devil's advocate. |
Ok, I assume that was directed at me, and while I agree it was a bit of playing devil's advocate, how did you arrive at calling it sophomoric and pompous? In the scenario described, one person is always going to be denied in the name of harmony. I am just asking, who gets to decide which side is being petty and selfish? |
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curlyhoward
Joined: 03 Dec 2008
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 8:04 am Post subject: |
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| Sector7G wrote: |
| curlyhoward wrote: |
| tophatcat wrote: |
| I get what you are saying here, wooden nickels. These things usually take some maturity, wisdom, time, and experience to understand. |
+1^
But you will always get a few coming on her with their sophomoric, pompous challenges playing the devil's advocate. |
Ok, I assume that was directed at me, and while I agree it was a bit of playing devil's advocate, how did you arrive at calling it sophomoric and pompous? In the scenario described, one person is always going to be denied in the name of harmony. I am just asking, who gets to decide which side is being petty and selfish? |
OK, I went overboard there. Sophomoric because I think once one has reached a certain level of experience in a marriage these things become more obvious. Yes, I'm an old guy who has been happily married for a long time also.
However, I too can understand the previous posters (nickels and tophat) when they say nobody is being denied. They are saying there are no sides here because the spouses work together in harmony. I think what they are referring to is that none of the husband's/wife's wants are more important than the wife's/husband's wants.
Apologies |
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mc_jc
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Location: C4B- Cp Red Cloud, Area-I
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:38 pm Post subject: |
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| My wife and I never proceed into something that doesn't bring happiness to both. We were perfectly content with each other before marriage. We agreed to accept each other as we were, forever. |
But the rules or guidelines posted totally contradict this statement.
If the both of you have 'guidelines' that govern each other's appearance, does it give some people the impression that the marriage was somewhat based on appearance rather on love?
Marriage should involved compromise and acceptance; if you love your wife and she does something, then after some discussion and if she is still determined to do it and you can't find a logical reason why she shouldn't do it, then the next best thing is acceptance.
| Quote: |
I might not be married but I find it truly astonishing that someone would get some kind of reconstructive surgery without talking about it with their other half. Its kind of disturbing to be honest and extremely disrespectful.
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Before I answer this, I will post a passage from the original post
| Quote: |
| Whenever she talked about it I told her not to do it, and that from the pictures i've seen of woman with it done it looked unnatural and not pretty at all....... Korean woman's natural eyes look beautiful, I loved her eyes. I told her countless times that she was beautiful...My partner and I have spoken few times about it, feeling that it is a rather sensitive issue I tried to tread carefully. |
The assumption I get is that it was discussed passingly and not in a serious manner. Also, the OP touched upon only the appearance aspect of the surgical procedure, not on any other apsects. Maybe if he had presented a more logical explanation, like the possible adverse side effects, she might've reconsidered the procedure.
However, the above passage gives the impression that beauty far outweighed character when he married her.
I will ask this question again;
| Quote: |
| If a western woman were to have a surgical procedure, such as breast augmentation or just have botox injections, would the OP be in such an uproar about it? |
This is still a cultural thing where the western man still wants control over his 'Korean' wife.
| Quote: |
| We don't make drastic changes in our appearance, well, because we don't want to be on some site asking strangers what they would do in this situation. |
Why would you need to come onto an anonymous message board to ask a bunch of strangers for advice about a personal matter if you could exercise free will? |
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wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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| mc_jc wrote: |
| Quote: |
| My wife and I never proceed into something that doesn't bring happiness to both. We were perfectly content with each other before marriage. We agreed to accept each other as we were, forever. |
But the rules or guidelines posted totally contradict this statement.
If the both of you have 'guidelines' that govern each other's appearance, does it give some people the impression that the marriage was somewhat based on appearance rather on love?
Marriage should involved compromise and acceptance; if you love your wife and she does something, then after some discussion and if she is still determined to do it and you can't find a logical reason why she shouldn't do it, then the next best thing is acceptance.
| Quote: |
I might not be married but I find it truly astonishing that someone would get some kind of reconstructive surgery without talking about it with their other half. Its kind of disturbing to be honest and extremely disrespectful.
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Before I answer this, I will post a passage from the original post
| Quote: |
| Whenever she talked about it I told her not to do it, and that from the pictures i've seen of woman with it done it looked unnatural and not pretty at all....... Korean woman's natural eyes look beautiful, I loved her eyes. I told her countless times that she was beautiful...My partner and I have spoken few times about it, feeling that it is a rather sensitive issue I tried to tread carefully. |
The assumption I get is that it was discussed passingly and not in a serious manner. Also, the OP touched upon only the appearance aspect of the surgical procedure, not on any other apsects. Maybe if he had presented a more logical explanation, like the possible adverse side effects, she might've reconsidered the procedure.
However, the above passage gives the impression that beauty far outweighed character when he married her.
I will ask this question again;
| Quote: |
| If a western woman were to have a surgical procedure, such as breast augmentation or just have botox injections, would the OP be in such an uproar about it? |
This is still a cultural thing where the western man still wants control over his 'Korean' wife.
| Quote: |
| We don't make drastic changes in our appearance, well, because we don't want to be on some site asking strangers what they would do in this situation. |
Why would you need to come onto an anonymous message board to ask a bunch of strangers for advice about a personal matter if you could exercise free will? |
You are mixing my posts with the OP's posts. I never said I totally agree with the OP in all of his procedures. My wife and my acts are not about control.
Basically, you have picked pieces from 2 different Posters and built your debate to challenge my posts. If someone were to read this it would make my posts look weak. Good try! However, if you only look at my posts it becomes a different story.
No, my wife's and my decisions are not about appearance. The decisions are about being mature, stable and responsible adults. As I've mentioned, we both made the decisions and we are both happy. We respect and love each other and function as one. We are emotionally and financially stable and our decisions have resulted in a happy successful marriage.
We love each other and have a happy successful marriage. My wife and I agree that we wouldn't change a thing. I suppose you would like to fix our marriage for us? |
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wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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| mc_jc wrote: |
| Quote: |
| My wife and I never proceed into something that doesn't bring happiness to both. We were perfectly content with each other before marriage. We agreed to accept each other as we were, forever. |
But the rules or guidelines posted totally contradict this statement.
If the both of you have 'guidelines' that govern each other's appearance, does it give some people the impression that the marriage was somewhat based on appearance rather on love?
Marriage should involved compromise and acceptance; if you love your wife and she does something, then after some discussion and if she is still determined to do it and you can't find a logical reason why she shouldn't do it, then the next best thing is acceptance.
| Quote: |
I might not be married but I find it truly astonishing that someone would get some kind of reconstructive surgery without talking about it with their other half. Its kind of disturbing to be honest and extremely disrespectful.
|
Before I answer this, I will post a passage from the original post
| Quote: |
| Whenever she talked about it I told her not to do it, and that from the pictures i've seen of woman with it done it looked unnatural and not pretty at all....... Korean woman's natural eyes look beautiful, I loved her eyes. I told her countless times that she was beautiful...My partner and I have spoken few times about it, feeling that it is a rather sensitive issue I tried to tread carefully. |
The assumption I get is that it was discussed passingly and not in a serious manner. Also, the OP touched upon only the appearance aspect of the surgical procedure, not on any other apsects. Maybe if he had presented a more logical explanation, like the possible adverse side effects, she might've reconsidered the procedure.
However, the above passage gives the impression that beauty far outweighed character when he married her.
I will ask this question again;
| Quote: |
| If a western woman were to have a surgical procedure, such as breast augmentation or just have botox injections, would the OP be in such an uproar about it? |
This is still a cultural thing where the western man still wants control over his 'Korean' wife.
| Quote: |
| We don't make drastic changes in our appearance, well, because we don't want to be on some site asking strangers what they would do in this situation. |
Why would you need to come onto an anonymous message board to ask a bunch of strangers for advice about a personal matter if you could exercise free will? |
I don't think he, the western man, is seeking control over his 'Korean." That's just my opinion based on what I've read from his posts.
mr_jc, are you single or divorced? |
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mc_jc
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Location: C4B- Cp Red Cloud, Area-I
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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I am not picking at your post specifically...I was discussing issues as they happen.
I am not trying to make your posts look weak, it is the fact that you placed guidelines on each other to make sure the harmonal balance is kept.
However, if appearance was not an issue, then things like appearance wouldn't be brought up.
Love shouldn't be dependent on what the other person looks like- if that were the case, do you plan on divorcing your wife at 40 because her beauty faded?
A person's appearance changes either willingly or naturally. You already said that you both are in business with each other, whats not to say that she might want to 'enhance' her appearance later for the sake of the business (I am not saying she would, but just for the sake of arguments), would you stop her?
Also, I am going to ask YOU the same question- if your wife was not Korean, instead was a western woman, would you have made these guidelines?
Again, if the money was earned by you exclusively, then I could sympathize since it would put a dent in your budget. But I see a partnership at work here and part of any partnership is a sense of equality- is it there?
| Quote: |
| mr_jc, are you single or divorced? |
Does it matter?
Are you a good enough friend to me for me to talk such information about myself with you?
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| I suppose you would like to fix our marriage for us? |
Why? Is there something wrong with it?
Are you hinting that amid the "bliss" there might be trouble in paradise? |
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machoman
Joined: 11 Jul 2007
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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i sympathize with the OP. there's something about a person who wants to get surgery for something so petty. if she'd been in an accident and needed surgery to restore her original look, then of course, that's understandable.
but i think what's bothering the OP is that there was nothing wrong with his wife to begin with yet she still got it, and that by going through with it, says something about her character, which he doesn't like. i'm guessing the OP doesn't like plastic surgery in general. so there's a philosophical difference between the couple.
it's like if an atheist were to date a christian. they could be in love, have good chemistry, sex, whatever. but at the end of the day, the christian is going to believe that the atheist is going to hell. |
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Slowmotion
Joined: 15 Aug 2009
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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| kardisa wrote: |
| It's her face, not yours. The ONLY thing that matters is how she feels about it. |
haha this is funny. It may be her face, but she should get her spouses opinion and try to please him as well.
I'm more shocked your wife could leave you in Australia by yourself for 6 months! |
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mc_jc
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Location: C4B- Cp Red Cloud, Area-I
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
It may be her face, but she should get her spouses opinion and try to please him as well.
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My question is why should she have to please him?
Can't a woman do something to please herself?
You seem to be using the word 'opinion' in place of the word 'permission'.
She had tried to talk about it with him, yet he seemed too passive to talk about it with her.
What happened with the directness of a discussion between people?
In order to let the other person who how you feel, you need to be direct with them. Why would a person be afraid of that?
If you can't be direct about your feelings about something with the person you love, is there truly love there in the first place?
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| I'm more shocked your wife could leave you in Australia by yourself for 6 months |
The OP already stated that she went back to Korea because one of her parents were sick. Had your mother or father been sick, would you've gone home to see them?
Last edited by mc_jc on Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:04 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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