Korean Job Discussion Forums

[madoka]

So this email has been making the rounds on the net. Heidi Withers (future daughter-in-law) had dinner with the in-laws. Afterwards, her future mother-in-law wrote her this email commenting on her behavior. Heidi then forwarded this email to others and it started to spread. Who would you side with?

from: Carolyn Bourne
to: heidi withers
subject: your lack of manners

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

[Kuros]

How about: neither. But the mother-in-law is older and should be held to a higher standard.

That email was a cowardly and overbearing response to what should have been handled either face-to-face (or at least over the phone).

The mother-in-law slowly progresses from critiquing the daughter-in-law's manners to full-blown fundamental attribution error. Each example of uncouth behavior becomes an excuse for the mother-in-law to put down the daughter-in-law as undeserving of her son and a bad person. But I've seen nothing here that couldn't be explained by youth, poor tact, or other venial errors. Its not as if the daughter-in-law has betrayed the family's trust in any serious way. It seems like her greatest offense is desiring a lavish wedding.

If my mother behaved this way towards a woman I was about to marry, she'd be in deep sh*t.

[madoka]

[litebear]

I read the original newspaper article just yesterday actually. I'd side with the MIL, but only just. Her house her rules and all that (although the thank you card is a BS complaint). An email wasn't the best way to deal with it. When a dog sh*ts on the carpet you don't wait three weeks before rubbing it's nose in it.

[NYC_Gal 2.0]

While I do believe Heidi should have written a thank you note (or email) to her future MIL, the MIL showed that she has bad manners.

As for the second helping rule, that's a rule for peasants. Usually taking second helpings on your own shows a feeling of closeness and being at ease. This was supposed to be a family dinner. Nice welcome, yes?

Also, sleeping in? She's got to wake up to milk the cows?

[flakfizer]

I didn't vote because I don't know the whole story, but I agree that the MIL should be held to a higher standard because she's older and seems to think she knows a lot about decorum. The fact is, it seems from the start that she saw her future DIL as just another guest. She seems distant, cold and a fault-finder. Sending an email is also about as distant a way as possible to deal with any perceived slight. The DIL should not expect an expensive wedding, but other than that, it seems she mostly just expected to be treated somewhat like family - able to help herself to seconds, trade a few barbs and get out of bed when she was ready. BTW, did they tell her they were a "household that rise early?" Was there a sign in the guest bedroom declaring such or something?
The girl might be rude, but it seems her rudeness is due to thoughtlessness, while the MIL seems to have a put a lot of thought into her rudeness.

[DorkothyParker]

I agree with the DIL. Family should be relaxed and comfy cozy style. If MIL wanted her to get up early, she should have told her son so he could have informed her. I just don't get it. I never had such house rules growing up and I would have been incredibly confused.

I think the couple should be more careful with their wedding spending habits, but it was so rude of the MIL to insinuate the bride's family erred in not keeping a savings for their daughter's wedding. Not everyone is made of money! Also, it's not her business, quite frankly. If the couple is asking for money for a crazy castle wedding, decline firmly but politely and be done with it.

Social conventions are so confusing!

[northway]

Here's the thing: we have no evidence of the daughter-in-law's rudeness, outside of broad accusations lodged at her by her future mother-in-law. The mother-in-law, on the other hand, has provided us textual proof of just how rude she is.

[Steelrails]

Also, is this the first dinner or has this been building? I'm going to operate under the assumption that it's their first.

I do think that for the first dinner one should be a bit more dignified and understand that they are representing their family. The time for coziness is after a true relationship has been established. Unless you are dealing with folks from a different style, in which case it is imperative to be as warm and folksy as possible.

The point is that one should be able to spot the cues and adapt accordingly. And that it is necessary for the partners to brief each other well beforehand.

One should be comfortable in both the country club and Falstaff's.

[Sergio Stefanuto]

MIL is clearly a complete c-word

[NYC_Gal 2.0]

After this thread started, I read up on the family. The parents had been running a firm but the company that was in charge laid them off. They were out of work, so couldn't afford the wedding. It was also not the first meeting. The MIL had been rude to her parents at a previous dinner. The FIL, however, was well liked by all.

[furtakk]

[littlelisa]

[cert43]

Is this in the USA or Asia? Complelty different contexts..

[ChopChaeJoe]

spelling of behavio(u)r makes me think Britian.