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sistersarah
Joined: 03 Jan 2004
Location: hiding out
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 Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:01 pm Post subject: a |
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abcdefg
Last edited by sistersarah on Mon Nov 21, 2005 5:23 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ryleeys
Joined: 22 Dec 2003
Location: Columbia, MD
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry to hear that... I hope that you find a solution where you can keep your boyfriend and he doesn't have to completely alienate his family.
Wish I could help, but it's outta my realm... |
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dogbert
Joined: 29 Jan 2003
Location: Killbox 90210
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:14 pm Post subject: Re: Interracial marriages...part 3...my dilemma |
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| sistersarah wrote: |
| he says, i didn't spend all that money to send you to canada to find a canadian girl. he said, after all we've done for you, this is how you treat us. |
This is what gets me. We're good enough for them to send their kids to us to be educated, but not good enough to socialize with/marry.
Forget the fact that Canadians were using indoor plumbing when Koreans were still joyously fertilizing the fields the old-fashioned way -- we're just not good enough.
| sistersarah wrote: |
in the end, my bf asks, will you at least meet her? they say....no...
they add, we will help you find a nice korean girl. |
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| sistersarah wrote: |
needless to say, i'm pretty down about this.
i'm just throwing this out to see what people think of my dilemma. also, how do korean women and korean men's situations differ when if comes to marrying a foreigner?? |
I think you need to have some self-respect and dump the guy. |
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just because
Joined: 01 Aug 2003
Location: Changwon - 4964
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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Unlike Dogberts comment above, I hope you stick with it and give them a chance to cool down. If they haven't changed their attitude in a couple o f months then i would start thinking other things.
Your b/f sounds great that he is willing to stand by you.
I know in my situation the same is going to happen to me, probably worse so I expect the worst and if I get better than I will be happy. |
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ryleeys
Joined: 22 Dec 2003
Location: Columbia, MD
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't agree with the statement that she should dump him... he isn't the problem here and appears to be taking action to find a solution. |
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sistersarah
Joined: 03 Jan 2004
Location: hiding out
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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i would never dump this guy because of his parents! i've never been happier! i was just hoping his parents would at least agree to meet me.
the whole sending him to canada to learn english thing is kind of funny, eh? at first, bf didn't want to go to canada, but his father pretty much forced him to go. now he's with me. dad got more than he bargained for, eh? 
i'm hoping things will work out over time. but even if they do agree to meet me and accept the fact that we're getting married, it's sad to think that i'll never be truly accepted by his family. well, take the good with the bad, i suppose.
did any foreign males have this problem when marrying korean females? |
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dogbert
Joined: 29 Jan 2003
Location: Killbox 90210
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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| sistersarah wrote: |
| i would never dump this guy because of his parents! i've never been happier! i was just hoping his parents would at least agree to meet me. |
OK...then the worry becomes will he dump you because of his parents.
| sistersarah wrote: |
| did any foreign males have this problem when marrying korean females? |
Of course, this comes up the other way around as well. But from what I've seen, families can eventually accept "losing" a daughter, whereas it is more difficult for them to accept losing the all-important male man-child. |
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Butterfly
Joined: 02 Mar 2003
Location: Kuwait
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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| sistersarah wrote: |
| did any foreign males have this problem when marrying korean females? |
I had a Korean woman I wanted to marry but didn't. The thing was that her parents were very nice to me, bought me things, invited me over etc. but at the same time secretly didn't want me to marry her. Weird, but I tend to think that your boyfriend's family reaction is a better one, one that you can work with, because at least they are starting from a position of honesty, and you are not given a false sense of security as I was. I became complacent that they would agree, and lost. With hindsight I am glad it happened.
Get ready, nonetheless, for the long haul and a lot of heartache and make sure, that you trust your boyfriend absolutely, because if he lets you down halfway through all this, you're really going to be out on a limb and heartbroken. Don't necessarily take Dogbert's advice, or advice to the contrary, but give this a LOT of thought before you throw yourself and all your hope completely into it. Good luck. |
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sistersarah
Joined: 03 Jan 2004
Location: hiding out
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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| OK...then the worry becomes will he dump you because of his parents |
this is no worry for me at all. he's very very firm in his decision. of course, i worry about him being alienated from his parents because of me, and someday resenting me for it. i doubt this would happen, but it's in the back of my mind.
| Quote: |
| Of course, this comes up the other way around as well. But from what I've seen, families can eventually accept "losing" a daughter, whereas it is more difficult for them to accept losing the all-important male man-child. |
yes, perhaps, especially if that daughter is over thirty and the parents are worried that she'll never marry.
what i got from the way my bf described the argument, was this. his parents were looking at him as an investment....send him to hogwans, to canada, so eventually he'll come back and be able to earn lots of money and take care of them. this plan fell through and now they're upset. if he's with me, he probably won't fulfill all of the responsibilities of the "eldest son", especially if we move to canada. and i, not being a korean wife of the eldest son, definitely can't fulfill all the responsibilities of that position. he has a younger brother, by the way, but they wasted no time or money on him. they put all their hopes into the eldest.
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just because
Joined: 01 Aug 2003
Location: Changwon - 4964
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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| sistersarah wrote: |
he has a younger brother, by the way, but they wasted no time or money on him. they put all their hopes into the eldest.
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That right there is one of the problems with Korean society. Put all your hopes on the eldest. mybe the younger one will get a lot of attention all of a sudden. |
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sistersarah
Joined: 03 Jan 2004
Location: hiding out
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Weird, but I tend to think that your boyfriend's family reaction is a better one, one that you can work with, because at least they are starting from a position of honesty, and you are not given a false sense of security as I was. |
i never looked at it this way. i suppose you could be right. they're not playing any games, are they? |
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Butterfly
Joined: 02 Mar 2003
Location: Kuwait
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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| sistersarah wrote: |
| Quote: |
| Weird, but I tend to think that your boyfriend's family reaction is a better one, one that you can work with, because at least they are starting from a position of honesty, and you are not given a false sense of security as I was. |
i never looked at it this way. i suppose you could be right. they're not playing any games, are they? |
Not at all, they are being point blank honest, which in my optimistic view is a start. When they get to meet you, and they will if your bf is persistent enough, provided they get a good impression (and I'm sure they will  ) then I believe they will be honest about that too. |
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jaebea
Joined: 21 Sep 2003
Location: SYD
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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Butterfly's frank account of his early experience is really the winner here.
You know where they stand, and it's not behind fake smiles and gifts. This can only help you in making your decision, without leaving you doubting the honest position of the parentals.
Some posts above referred to the concept of the eldest son being the provider for the parents as they retire. I think they need to weigh up the advantages of their own comfort in the twilight of their years compared to the happiness of their son in the best years of his life.
I know what most people would decide, and it's not as if you're going to leave them to starve and die in poverty.
jae. |
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crazylemongirl
Joined: 23 Mar 2003
Location: almost there...
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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Sarah I am sorry to hear about your situation. I think part of it comes down to the fact the ulimatly girls are expendable here, as the family line is carried by the males as well as the rights and responsbilties that go with being the eldest boy. To be honest this isn't just a korean thing, if any of you have seen whalerider there is a similar theme there and no doubt other numerous examples from around the world.
Anyway as for you situation I hope that things cool down in the next few months, but as to what to do if they don't that's only something you and your b/f can decide. |
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weatherman
Joined: 14 Jan 2003
Location: Korea
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| Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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| I can understand the old man. He wants his ancestors to remember him and preform the rites. To the Korean mind, this can't be done by a mixed kid. Why? I have no idea. To me, it wouldn't matter, but for him, he is clearly defining his reality in terms of race. Is there a second son? That might change the math. I say you are between a rock and a hard place. Good luck. |
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