Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Mr. Pink]

I always have to wonder. Why is it the foreigner has to:

Basically do all the work in making the Korean family happy? I mean they don't do SQUAT to satisfy us...because in reality western parents don't really care who their kids marry, as long as they love them.

I didn't have to do much for my in-laws, but they still moan about how crappy my Korean is. They also moan I don't eat enough Korean food, or do enough cultural things.

Why should I have to change 100% and the Koreans don't change? With that thinking, I haven't changed much. I provided an apt. for my wife/me and I visit my wife's extended family once a year or so. I refuse to go do family burial stuff, or do the big bow. We give her parents cash a few times a year and I think that is about as fair as I can get.

Sistersarah you have to decide on what is worth it for you. Are some guy's parents worth you stressing yourself out all the time? I'd think if the guy is as cool as he sounds, I'd just elope, leave Korea and come back with a grandkid. Bet that would soften his parents up. I know when I had a kid, my wife's parents seemed to stop moaning about my lack of Korean speaking...they had other things to keep their minds busy - the kid.

When I think of eldest son - I think of the guy who gets his families cash/assets and manages his parents in old age. Does your boyfriend want to possibly alienate his parents and get cut off from future inheritences? Does he NOT want to take care of his parents?

[anae]

I am not saying that Sistersarah should give up her life and live in in-law servitude.

My understanding is that she and her fiance will marry and immigrate to Canada. A little show of willingness to meld into their family and cultural traditions in the time leading up to the big move will help to smooth things over. In my case, it helped my in-laws feel better not only about the marriage, but about the move to Canada. They know my husband is still able to carry on Korean traditions in our house and that we will teach them to our children.

If she was going to be a permanent resident of Korea, I might give some different advice. In that case, being the "good daughter-in-law" might be impossible and lead to expectations that she will be this way for the rest of her life. Most mother-in-law foreign daughter-in-law pairs eventually come to some sort of agreement that both can live with.

It is hardly the case that their was no give on my parents-in-laws side. For the happiness of their son, they had to put aside most of their expectations of a daughter-in-law. My mother-in-law ended up doing more work on holidays because I don't have much of a clue. Both had to deal with the fact that I was going to work and could not come to help with ancestor duties or the farming. They had to accept that we were not going to follow the Korean tradition of getting pregnant right away. (we are now going on five years with no kids). Finally, they had to accept their son was going to find his way in another country. I appreciate the sacrifices they had to make, so I don't regret having made a little songpyun and peeled a little fruit.

[dogbert]

[Corporal]

[Corporal]

[sistersarah]

hhhmmm. lots to think about.

[taegu girl]

Sister Sarah-
Don't give up hope. Sorry if this is a long post. I am an American woman who met and married my Korean husband in Taegu. My husband went through basically the same story as your fiance/boyfriend? is going through now. Telling his parents about you is a big step in the right direction. According to my husband, many korean parents reject initially to their son or daughter's choice in who to marry even in korean-korean relationships. He says parent's initial rejection is very common so to not stress to much over that. The fact that your boyfriend left his parents house when they argued instead of sticking around and giving in shows that he can stand on his own two feet. He is going to need to be strong to deal with his parents. There is some korean saying roughly translated in english that means parents can never win against their child. Sorry i don't know the exact saying in korean- but your boyfriend should:). If you don't know, Taegu is one of the most "conservative" cities in Korea and that is where my husband grew up. My husband (who is a first son too.) initially introduced me to his mother who is VERY MODERN AND OPEN MINDED. However, his dad was the exact opposite who fought us getting married until four weeks before the wedding. My advice is if your boyfriend is having trouble getting family support, have him first talk to open minded relatives who can persuade the parents that you are not a bad western girl trying to steal their son. That is what my husband did (talked to all his dad's brothers) in addition having his mother gently prod and nag him to death about accepting me. I met her two years before we got married and we met often when the father was at work. She saw me for who i am, a nice girl who loved her son and was willing to do some things to show my acceptance of holiday traditions. The earlier suggestion to help with holiday food is a good idea, although i must add that my MIL believes in equal work for everyone. My husband and brother in law were right beside my sister in law and i making the traditional food. To make a long story short, after 3years of dating my husband and i wanted to get married. FOrtunately, my husband had a lucky card in his hand- a work visa to work in the USA from an American company. He told his dad, either let me get married here or we will marry in the USA where you will not see the wedding. Similarly, if you apply for a fiance visa for your fiance, he will have a lucky card too:). His dad finally complied and 4 weeks later we married. His parents planned and made the arrangements for the wedding, fine with me and i told them what i wanted that was not included in their plans and it was added. I am not saying that they may not hurt you by their comments. i still remember my FIL asking me (on our wedding day no less) if i was going to be like a chinese girl, marry his son, and then take all the money and leave. Since we moved to the States (6 months after getting married) we have had no problems and his dad now brags about me, i guess he is happy we are in good financial shape. At the same time, my sister in law has had more problems with her korean husband and now i am the more favored of the two in laws by his dad - shocking turnaround. We will celebrate 3 years of marriage in July/ 2 and 1/2 of those years in the States. Of course as an oldest son, your boyfriend may feel financially responsible to help his parents, so you have to decide whether you can deal with him giving money to his parents. we help his parents sometimes but i knew this would happen even before we married. My husband was very clear about this issue. i say all of this to let you know there are success stories out there of oldest korean sons marrying foreign woman and to not give up. Just give your boyfriend time and don't be on his case all the time about it. If he loves you, he will do what he has to do in order to get the parent's approval. Good luck

[sistersarah]

teagu girl...wow. thanks. that was good to hear. i think our situations sound pretty similar. as you say, it's going to be an extended period of time before they accept me. the part about getting in with the mother or another open-minded relative was really interested and something i never thought about. but difficult because my korean is very poor. and your FIL's concern about you leaving him after marriage....that's something they're probably thinking about too. i guess it'll be just having to prove myself over time.

thanks again.

[taegu girl]

Sister Sarah,
Please don't worry about the language barrier too much. Your boyfriend's parents/ relatives can understand broken korean much like you can understand broken english. When i visited i always brought a dictionary and believe me body language helps too. i also made a point to get a korean tutor to help me learn korean in order to improve communication. Also your boyfriend can be there to translate too. A small gift of fruit goes a long ways, this is normal in korean-korean relationship to bring some some gift for the host so it is not doing anything more than a normal korean would do in a dating situation. Also, if you can find an ENglish speaking relative that helps to improve things. That way it is more natural for you and they feel like they are hearing it from you directly. Fortunately for me, my sister in law speaks English well, as well as several uncles on both sides of my husband's family. She helped with communication b/w my MIL and me at the house if she was home. But there were times it was just me and the future MIL talking. Having a funny story to share about her son brought a smile to her face too. If the parent is interested in communicating, she/he may take some basic english classes too. My mother in law is doing this because she doesn't want to be a "pabo harmoni" when we have kids who may not understand her korean perfectly and expect english instead. Remember they are giving up a lot too in this relationship. They may not see their son but maybe once a year if you guys move. Is that easy on any mother or father regardless of country especially around the holidays ??? hope this helps.

[peppergirl]

[elmer]

[Yaya]

Hey, Sarah,


Let's see, I know of a few Korean men who married non-Korean women. I read in the Korea Herald a few years ago of a Korean male dancer who met a Hungarian woman while working at Lotte World. Neither planned on getting close but they did. The man's parents were apprehensive at first but the woman showed her sincerity and stuff, and the opposition was gone. I'm not sure if the parents still like her 100%, but there has been no trouble and the couple is living in Seoul.

The second example was this Lithuanian woman I met in Seoul. She met her Korean husband in China while attending a Chinese-language course. They moved to Seoul and had to deal with opposition, but after they had a kid, the parents accepted her more. She says, though, that she still suspects his parents wished he had married a Korean woman.

That said, think what the parents are going through. First, you said you and your man will leave Korea, and that would shock many a Korean parent if they heard their jangnam was leaving. Second, many Korean parents look forward to a daughter-in-law being around, and well, I suspect your Korean language and custom skills may not be on par with a native. I'm not against you being with your man but just try to place yourself in the shoes of his parents.

I think your man will fight for you, and that is good for you. The parents will eventually come around, ESPECIALLY if you have a kid with him. My best friend in the US, a gyopo, went through hell when he brought home his then white girlfriend. My friend's parents were like "you sellout, don't you ever consider marrying that *beep*" and the like. His mother made life so hard for my buddy, going up to his woman's face and calling her names and to stay away from her son, bla bla bla. One time, my friend had to physically eject his mother from his apartment.

My friend considered dumping his woman for that reason, until he asked me what he should do. I asked him do you really love this woman and is she gonna be worth all the trouble that you will face? My friend said yes, so I advised him to fight for her. They moved in together and got married, and his mother threatened suicide if he did. Then they had a kid and magically, his mother came around.

[dogbert]