Korean Job Discussion Forums

[weso1]

I'm having an issue with a Korean coworker.

A few of my other coworkers have let it slip that she really likes me. Though, I didn't them to tell me, it was kind of obvious.

The problem is, she is totally not my type. I would never go for a girl like her. I'm not trying to be rude, but I just want to convey that there is no way I'd ever find her attractive and her personality does nothing for me. She's a fine coworker and I'm happy that she's my friend, but it would never go beyond that.

Recently though, she's begun to get more assertive in her flirting and constant attempts to "get" me. Making excuses to come talk to me, staring at me while I'm at my desk, dropping hints about eating eel or chewing xylitol because it's "good for men." I try to just brush it all off and pull the "well I'm busy and should get back to work" thing, but then that makes her get even more brazen. She's even told some of our students that she thinks I'm handsome (it's a middle school so it's not like shes telling stuff like that to babies.) It's getting annoying.

I don't want to make her feel bad or embarrass her, so I've being working it into conversations now and then that I have a girlfriend (not really, I'm just dating a few girls, though to avoid looking like a man-*beep* I roll them all into one when we talk about it at work and say she's my gf.) But it doesn't seem to matter, she keeps pressing it. Over the weekend the school moved our teacher's room desks around and another teacher told me she was lobbying the boss hard to get our desks put together. I put an end to that toot-sweet by telling my boss I liked who my desk buddy was, we work well together, don't change that.

What should I do? I still have to work with her for another 6-8 months and if it keeps up like this, it's going to cause me to make a scene in front of everyone else one day and really embarrass her. I don't want that. I just want her to take a hint that I'm not at all interested in her and I really wish she'd stop constantly flirting and pursuing me.

[mzeno]

Whatever you do... you're screwed. Fatal attractions have no happy endings! However, have you considered inviting her to coffee, lunch, whatever,...and telling her personally, one to one, how you honestly feel about the situation? There's going to be fall-out either way, but at least you will have made an honest, sincere attempt to minimize it.

[teacherfromca]

Don't make a scene and embarrass her. Ignore her and occasionally throw in there that you had fun at the party with your girlfriend, making sure she hears you, and continue to ignore her, politely. She will eventually get the point.

[liveinkorea316]

Why not introduce her to your fake girlfriend? Use your foreign friend or even a Korean friend. It should work. She will be crushed but it should stop her.

[plchron]

definitely start lying about having another girlfriend

[jvalmer]

Photos...

[Feloria]

Just keep doing what you're doing--be a bit aloof or "standoffish" if you have to be.
So far from what you've described, her actions could be explained away as her just being friendly(even though you know it's more.)
Has she suggested the two of you go out? If not, to say anything to her could backfire--you know the expression "there's nothing worse than a woman scorned?"
Have as little contact as you can with her, and if she does ask you to do something socially--be kind, but direct in your refusal.
She may be bummed out, but we're not in high school anymore.
Good Luck!

[weso1]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I think I may ask one of the girls I'm just dating to meet me at my school after work one night. Maybe if she she's me with another girl that will be enough? I know that's been enough for me in the past. If I was into a girl, but I saw her with another guy, I kind of just gave up on it and moved along.

And jvalmer, that would just be inappropriate.

[pkang0202]

Why not get one of your guy friends to "distract" her?

[Zyzyfer]

[nathanrutledge]

I'm going to disagree here.

Don't do anything. Don't talk about your personal life with anyone at work. Don't mention you have a gf directly OR indirectly. Just keep everything professional.

A couple questions - has her behavior really crossed any lines? From what you've said, I don't think it has. I've had a couple co teachers who I KNOW were not interested in me, but they'd say things like how handsome I was to the middle school students, or how I was such a nice guy, etc. I had one who had my desk moved so I was sitting closer to her. Again, there were no feelings in that regard, but still, it can be a legitimate workplace request. Sitting near a coworker so you can work more easily together - no big deal. I think that IF you let this become a big thing for you and then one day let out all of your frustration, YOU will be the one who looks like an idiot, not her.

Second, what do you hope to accomplish by bringing up your gf? If this coworker is really gunning for you, all you'll do is show her she has competition and she has to work harder. Now, if you had a wife and children, that's different, but as they say, "A ring never blocked a hole." I think you can figure that one out.

Really, I think your best bet is to go to work. Talk only about work. Do only work. Try and involve other coworkers anytime you have to be with this particular one. Then, at the end of the day, go home. I think the other suggestions are bound to blow up in your face.

Say that she accepts that you have a gf, but then all of a sudden decides to turn on you. Again, nothing at work that has happened would justify this, but how could you defend yourself against it? When it comes to her word against your word, who do you think will be believed? Let me rephrase that - we all know that a foreign man will probably be believed less than the Korean woman.

She says you talk about your gf too much at work. She says your gf is always meeting you in front of the school and the students don't like it. She says that all of this makes her feel uncomfortable, possibly it makes the other women their uncomfortable.

Try and take an honest, objective look at this situation. We've all read the horror stories on this board of vindictive coworkers (I had one last year, and it was totally about work - I could barely deal with it, no way if it was something involving my personal life!) .

Long story short, if I were you, I'd ignore her advances, and just play it really cool and calm.

[Times30]

I've been in your position OP.

You shouldn't do anything, especially not bring your GF into work. It only reinforces the idea that you are desirable and can exacerbate things.

It probably won't go away so don't bother doing anything about it. You should be able to control your emotions enough not to explode or cause a scene. It's only 8 months. That's plenty of time to be able to deal with it.

Look I understand your position. I got advances from women over 40. The key is to just take it as a compliment and move on. These are your co-workers and you are a foreigner. Believe it or not your co-workers have a lot of power over what happens to you. And even if you can come back to Korea or not. There's even a post about a guy who had his GF make up lies against him and he could never return back to Korea.

DON'T mess with Korean girls. I've been on the bad end of that stick. I'd follow what Nathanrutledge says. He seems to be right on the money about this.

[Modernist]

Seconded [thirded?].

DON'T try to get rid of her. Don't show her the 'competition.' Don't do anything except stay professional. Just do the job and get the money and go home. The risks of her going crazy on you might be small but the consequences could be dire.

We foreigners are ALWAYS at the mercry of whatever crazy BS Koreans may come up with about us. They [your bosses, the parents, the police, the courts, the press] will always believe the Korean first. You will be guilty until proven innocent, and the proving will be on your time and your dime.

Stay AWAY from Korean girls. Seriously. The cute is nice but cute wears off. I've been quite impressed with the South Africans -- great attitudes, great accents, nice racial mix, stylish, informed, charming. They don't have the legs, I'll admit, but life is about making choices

[Malislamusrex]

Tell them to make an English room because it would help your students ability, cut yourself a key. Then you can sit in your own office away from all the bullshit. In the meantime you can flirt with her, if she asks you out don't go.

[shifty]