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passport220
Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Location: Gyeongsangbuk-do province
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 Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 7:12 pm Post subject: Please proof read my cover letter |
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Please proof read (part) of my cover letter
I have a general cover letter that I send out with success for job applications, however I want to adjust this letter to apply for a specific job with some very specific job requirements. I am a good conversation English teacher, but I admit my grammar and technical skills in English are rather weak.
Please take a look and make corrections or suggestions as you see fit. Thanks in advance for taking the time!
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Here is the text I need reviewed (I have blocked out some individual details to protect my idenity):
It is with great enthusiasm that I to apply to your office for a position as a Corporate English Teacher. I feel I am uniquely qualified to teach English to the target audience of company engineers and management. I have successfully taught engineering students at xx University and at xx. I hold a Bachelor of Science degree from xx State University, I also hold a Teaching Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) from xx College.
I have high level management experience in banking and government before my teaching career and I feel I understand how to properly conduct myself in a conservative, professional business environment yet all the while conducting fun and interesting English classes that gain wide approval and participation from adult students. |
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SeoulMan6
Joined: 27 Jul 2005
Location: Gangwon-do
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 7:39 pm Post subject: Re: Please proof read my cover letter |
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Very good, in my opinion. I wouldn't stop reading the letter, which is what you want from the reader.
| passport220 wrote: |
| I hold a Bachelor of Science degree from xx State University, I also hold a Teaching Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) from xx College. [/i] |
However, I wouldn't use a comma above. Use 'and' or start a new sentence. I wouldn't use the word 'conservative' either; 'professional' is plenty.
Good luck! |
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passport220
Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Location: Gyeongsangbuk-do province
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 7:53 pm Post subject: Re: Please proof read my cover letter |
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| SeoulMan6 wrote: |
Very good, in my opinion. I wouldn't stop reading the letter, which is what you want from the reader.
| passport220 wrote: |
| I hold a Bachelor of Science degree from xx State University, I also hold a Teaching Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) from xx College. [/i] |
However, I wouldn't use a comma above. Use 'and' or start a new sentence. I wouldn't use the word 'conservative' either; 'professional' is plenty.
Good luck! |
You're right the word "conservative" is presumptuous of what I think the the environment of the job might be like, it is also limiting and unnecessary. I will remove it.
I will also take out the comma and start a new sentence.
SeoulMan6 ....You're awesome! Thanks for taking the time. |
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The Cosmic Hum
Joined: 09 May 2003
Location: Sonic Space
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:37 pm Post subject: Re: Please proof read my cover letter |
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| passport220 wrote: |
It is with great enthusiasm that I (to) apply to your office for a position as a Corporate English Teacher. I feel I am uniquely qualified to teach English to the target audience of company engineers and management. I have successfully taught engineering students at xx University and at xx. I hold a Bachelor of Science degree from xx State University. I also hold a Teaching Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) from xx College.
I (have) attained high level management experience in banking and government before my teaching career, and I feel I understand how to properly conduct myself in a (conservative), professional business environment, yet all the while conducting fun and interesting English classes that gain wide approval and participation from adult students. |
^^Here are some suggestions.
...that I to apply... - delete to
The commas in the second part are mostly prescriptive by nature, but useful in that long compound-complex sentence.
...teaching career, and I...
...environment, yet all...
have - delete have...perhaps try....earned, attained, acquired...etc
SeoulMan6 is making good suggestions about the comma splice...just put a period.
...and about the use of conservative - perhaps...dynamic  ...or just delete.
Hope this is useful.
Best of luck with the applications. |
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passport220
Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Location: Gyeongsangbuk-do province
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 11:48 pm Post subject: Re: Please proof read my cover letter |
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| The Cosmic Hum wrote: |
| Hope this is useful... |
Useful indeed! Very kind of you to take the time, thank you.
This is what the current draft looks like:
It is with great enthusiasm that I apply to your office for a position as a Corporate English Teacher. I feel I am uniquely qualified to teach English to the target audience of company engineers and management. I have successfully taught engineering students at xx University and at xx. I hold a Bachelor of Science degree from xx State University. I also hold a Teaching Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) from xx College.
I attained high level management experience in banking and government before my teaching career, and I feel I understand how to properly conduct myself in a professional business environment, yet all the while presenting fun, interesting and effective English classes that gain wide participation and approval from adult students.
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I made a few changes like changing "conductiing" to "presenting" as I already had the work conduct in the paragraph. I made note that my classes are effective in addition to fun and interesting. I switched the order of participation and approval, as it would seem you would need to participate in an English class before you could really approve of it. |
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