Korean Job Discussion Forums

[waterflower]

Hi everyone,

I had a really bad experience in Seoul in February. I went out on a date with a Korean man and he sexually assaulted me. I met this guy in a cab, actually. I had been out to dinner in Itaewon with my friends and was taking the subway back when it stopped about 4 stops away from my apartment (midnight). So I went outside to try to get a cab.

I got in a taxi and there were some other people in the cab too. I realized this when I got in. Anyway, there was this Korean guy and he seemed really nice and we got to talking. He asked for my number, but I said "Why don't you give me yours instead?" I am a pretty girl, but I'm not a big dater. So we texted back and forth a few weeks before we actually met up to go out for dinner.

Anyway, we went out to dinner near my area and everything went well at first. When the date was over, I said I was going to walk home. I didn't want him coming to my house, because I know how some Korean guys think about Western girls. I'm not like that. I didn't want him to try anything. I don't even KISS on a first date usually. He was being so nice and said "Oh, I don't want you walking home alone. That's dangerous." I insisted I would be fine.

Then he said he was going to hail a cab to go home. He said "why don't you take the cab with me. I'm passing by your neighborhood so you can just get out there?" (insinuating that he would continue on home in the cab).

So finally I agreed. When we got to my neighborhood I was getting out, and he got out with me. I told him I could walk by myself, it was only 2 blocks. He insisted and said he wanted to walk me to my door. Silly me, I thought he was just being a gentleman!

When we got to my door (outside my apartment building) he hugged me goodbye and I thought that was it. I turned to punch in the door code and he approached me again. He said he wanted to hug me again. I laughed sort of awkwardly and said "Um, okay". Then he wouldn't let me go. He tried to kiss me and I turned away.
Then he started putting his hand on my butt. I told him to stop. I said "This is our first date. You shouldn't be touching me there". He apologized but then kept doing it.
I told him to stop again, more forcefully. Then he pushed me up against the wall, put his hand over my mouth, and sexually assaulted me. He didn't technically RAPE me, but he did the second worst thing a guy could do.....if you can use your imagination.

I started crying and kicking at him and yelling for him to stop. Finally I fought him off (good thing I work out regularly with weights). I screamed at him to *beep* off and never talk to me again. I told him to walk away so he couldn't follow me inside.

I missed work the next morning. I called in to tell my director what happened. I was a mess. My supervisor then called me to tell me I MUST come in for the afternoon classes. I told them what happened and they seemed sympathetic but told me if I ever missed work again (I never had before) that I would lose my job.
I was 2 weeks away from completing my contract and I didn't want to lose my bonus or flight home. I asked them if I could leave early to go report the incident to the police (I worked 9 to 6). They refused.
I tried going on the weekend, but the foreign section was closed on the weekend.
My Korean co-teacher tried to help me, but I was never able to go make a report. Some Korean friends told me that it would do no good anyway. They said the Korean police would not take me seriously.

I had to get a Pap test and exam from a medical doctor in Itaewon. It's been a few months and I have been back in North America, but I'm returning to Korea soon. I need to work there to get money and work experience right now. However, I'm REALLY scared and paranoid. I am scared to walk by myself at night, I'm afraid someone else is going to attack me, I'm scared of men in general now and I'm quite unhappy.

I apologize this is a huge rant and lots of information, but I had to get this off my chest. I really need some advice on how to stay safe, healthy, and generally happy for when I return to Korea within the month.

Thanks everyone

[cheezsteakwit]

Wow, I'm sorry to read your story.

I'm a man , so I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but I do have some words of advice. I feel bad reading your story and NOT saying something.

In regards to the attack:

I've heard / read similar stories about the ineffectiveness of the police. I live in a small Korean city , nowhere near the size of Seoul, and I just noticed yesterday that there are CCTV cameras in the intersection right outside my apartment entrance. Might there have been CCTV cameras outside your apartment where the attack occurred ? Otherwise, it's a "he said/she said" situation without any video / physical evidence.

In regards to moving on with your life:

1. Have you talked to a rape counselor ? ... or similar professionals trained in giving you advice.

2. Have you thought about taking martial arts classes ?

I took MMA classes back home in the states and there were a LOT of women enrolled in my school. My school was a kickboxing / jiu jitsu school that taught how to fight standing up and on the ground. Jiu jitsu in particular is useful for a smaller opponent against a larger opponent.

I've been frustrated that I can't find a similar school in my small Korean town. I think hapkido might teach joint locks and that sort of thing, but I have to look more into that.

Anyways, martial arts can help you have the confidence to walk down the street and know that you can protect yourself... and talking to a professional counselor can help you process your feelings. Those are the thoughts that went through my head when I read your story, so I hope this helps.

Good luck to you.

[Mr. Kalgukshi]

Two inappropriate postings have just been deleted.

Future off-topic and/or insensitive postings will result in permanent bans for the authors.

[sirius black]

The advice about martial arts, etc. is great. I would add that you move to another city. If you believe you will not feel safe and it will linger in your mind, go back home.
This may be such a traumaic event that no matter where you live you may feel unsafe and if that's the case then counseling is paramount.

[Nismo]

That's a terrible experience to have. The only thing I feel I can comment on is that not all men are bad (obviously), but what can you really do to determine who is or isn't? It's very unfortunate for women, but you have to be vigilant and get home early or with people you trust. It's absolutely unfair, but at least it's safe.

[Squire]

That's sad to hear. I'm not expert but I'd say the odds on it happening again are very slim, although that's probably not much consolation if it's happened before. I'd advise a knee/kick in the balls in any situation like this. A full blooded shot will incapacitate any guy- it doesn't matter who they are. Getting hit with a football between the legs is bad and somehow takes all of your strength away temporarily, so a solid kick is going to give a girl plenty of time to figure out how to get away

[plhanlon85]

Sorry to hear about what happened to you. I think if it were a foreign man and a Korean woman, he would be in the prison already.

[fermentation]

That sucks. I despise rapists and molestors. I hope he runs into a lot of pain.

In hindsight, you should have reported this to the police immediately. As soon as you got your bearings you should have called the cops and/or called a Korean to translate. They might do nothing (it's likely) but still it's better than nothing. On a similar note you should've called a friend or somebody you trust to support you. I'm sure a good friend would've been there for you if they know you've been sexually assaulted.

Good call on the counselor by another poster.

Martial Arts is a valuable tool as are self-defense lessons that teach you to be vigilant and aware of your surroundings. It's also important to make sure the school legit and you're getting practical instruction and not be overconfident. I've seen some pretty crappy gyms full of people who think they're badasses.

I personally suggest Brazilian Jiujitsu as I have read about women using BJJ techniques to choke out or break the arm of their would-be rapists. There are also schools in Korea so you can continue your training here. It's just a good sport in general as well.

You can also personally drill certain movements/actions in preperation. Even simple things like dialing 911. Your fingers can't move when you're in a tense situation. I suggest a book called On Combat on this issue. On Combat also refers to several other good books on self-defense.

You can also get stun guns and pepper spray in Korea, so look into that. And be sure you can use it when push comes to shove.

It's important to become a wolf rather than a sheep; be vigilant and at the very least mentally prepare for contingencies such as these. It doesn't mean you have live waking moment looking over your shoulder, at the very least realize this kind of stuff can happen go over what you're prepared to do in these situations.

[young_clinton]

Go to the police. Also carry weapons and become mentally prepared to use them if you're grabbed and you can't run.

[soulofseoul]

You mean he did this right outside your front door?
Didnt neighbors hear anything?

[VTsoi]

I understand you need the money, but I'd STRONGLY reconsider returning. As your experience bears out, this is a place where sexual assault can happen and little is done about it. To an extent you'd be revisiting an environment that you found harmful and unsupportive.

Surely decent, private counseling and a network of understanding friends will be an important part of your healing process.

The sad fact of the matter is that you'll be unlikely to find that as a Korean hogwan teacher. Your school could drop you if they find out you're in counseling. Even if you successfully hide it, your school isn't going to be supportive when it comes to giving you days off or decreasing your workload when your emotions are in a shaky place. What happens when you're experiencing acute emotional and psychological effects of trauma and you're supposed to go in to work and deal with crowds of energetic children for 8 hours?

Socially, you'll probably have a smaller pool of people to draw on that will be understanding or helpful given the transient and often superficial nature of the expat scene here.

If you really are having difficulties making ends meet it might be a time to call on family or close friends for help.

I wish you luck.

[thunderbird]

sorry i dont get it. what did he actually do 2 u? if u have any info bout the guy u should release it

[VTsoi]

[luckylady]

Waterflower -

there's a LOT of info out there to help female sexual assault survivors and here's one that's very well respected:

http://www.pandys.org/

my personal opinion as one female to another, Dave's is not where you need to be working out your fear/sexual assault survivor issues. Pandy's should be able to help you find resources in your area as well as offer a more conducive environment for healing.

it may or may not work out if you come back here and it would be hard for anyone at all to tell you what exactly you can or cannot tolerate. only you can decide that.

importantly, there are some sexual survivors who are victimized multiple times, even as adults and even in completely different circumstances, because they've been unable to completely process the first event, as well as obtain proper counseling and therapy, and unfortunately, this leaves them in a constant state of "victimhood" which creates a destructive cycle of bad jugment and self-destructive mistakes. this is NOT to say that it is their fault but rather, the hurt and pain these individuals suffer can actually blind them to their environment and actions in such a manner they don't really see how dangerous certain things/people can be and consequently make mistakes that can be costly. predators are everywhere, Korea included, and they are expert at spotting such individuals and that's how they do what they do.

depending on one's support system/network, one's mind can take longer to heal than one's body so don't assume that you are "over it" just because your body may not show any signs of physical injury.

furthermore, underplaying such an event can lead to further problems down the road - it's not easy dealing with trauma, but people do deal with it all the time and they do heal successfully. it's just up to you, no one can make you take that step.

good luck and please do check out Pandys.

[bobbybigfoot]

Sorry to read about your story. Shameful how insensitive your work was. And it is sad to read about the comments regarding the police. From what I've gathered over my time in Korea, going to the police would have been completely ineffective.

Don't let this man steal your soul too. You can overcome this.

Find support.

All the best to you.