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edwardcatflap
Joined: 22 Mar 2009
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 Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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| So, you are married and this worked out for you? |
Yep, never had an argument before we got married and haven't had one since - almost 3 years now. |
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byrddogs
Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Location: Shanghai
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| edwardcatflap wrote: |
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| So, you are married and this worked out for you? |
Yep, never had an argument before we got married and haven't had one since - almost 3 years now. |
Congrats on the being married, BS on the never having an argument  . |
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daeguowl
Joined: 06 Aug 2009
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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| byrddogs wrote: |
| edwardcatflap wrote: |
| Quote: |
| So, you are married and this worked out for you? |
Yep, never had an argument before we got married and haven't had one since - almost 3 years now. |
Congrats on the being married, BS on the never having an argument . |
Well, could be one of them is pumping a lot of weights or killing prostitutes for stress relief...or maybe one of those master and slave relationships where the slave side doesnt really have any say in anything. |
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slothrop
Joined: 03 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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edit
Last edited by slothrop on Sun Aug 12, 2012 10:26 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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sublunari
Joined: 11 Jun 2009
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:33 am Post subject: |
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I think I read here awhile back that Korean wives threaten divorce on a fairly regular basis and I'm wondering if other married members can confirm this. It took me several months of pleading to get my wife to stop doing this every time we had a disagreement, and although things have improved she still sometimes threatens to move out. We have a baby, which adds an incredible amount of stress to the relationship, and only really disagree about how to put him to sleep (we used the Ferber method with a great deal of success about eight months ago but she still insists on sleeping with him whenever he cries too much, which I think spoils him).
We've come to understandings on a lot of our other points of dissent, and if we manage to head out on a date together without the baby we still have a great time because, for once, we can focus on each other, rather than on whether junior is going to run around and trash whatever restaurant we're in (oh Korean restaurants, you are so wonderful, but everyone sits on the floor, and you do not have high chairs).
I still have a lot of trouble getting her to watch movies with me in the evenings, and she doesn't read enough books for my tastes, but she doesn't waste money like the wives of some other posters, and is actually dedicated to making us rich. My wife is a wonderful, beautiful woman. |
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is so delicious
Joined: 28 Apr 2009
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 4:24 am Post subject: |
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| LuckyNomad wrote: |
Steelrails is correct. Marriage cannot be based on physical attraction alone. The moment she changes from being your girlfriend to being your wife, things will change. If you picture your life from now until death, during most of that time you will both be in your 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's. The time period where she is really attractive will be kind of short. You have to tolerate this old woman day in and day out until the day you die. Also, when you start having kids, life and your relationship changes. Forget the bangathons. You'll be exhausted and stressed out.
You will fight and yell at each other and get angry and annoyed with each other. How else could it be. Two people sharing their life is not an easy task. You will have to make some serious adjustments. Are you able to make that transition?
Also, some people say that a woman is a woman and being Korean doesn't matter. Well, it does if you are in Korea. She's trapped in the cycle or destruction and you are too. Get ready to find out why Koreans are so stressed out. A lot of your freetime is going to be sucked up by extended family stuff.
Expect to go fairly bankrupt. Money does not have the same value in Korea as in other countries. Just expect it to disappear. On her parents birthday she'll want to give them a couple hundred bucks. On Parents day too she'll want to give them something expensive or a couple hundred bucks. She'll be giving hundreds out as birthday gifts throughout the year. Buying those 30 dollar cakes at Paris Baguett too. Oh, your nephew just graduated Elementary school. She'll give him a hundred bucks. WHAT??!!!  I didn't have that kind of money till I had a job in highschool!
Ahh the weekend is here. Time to relax? No. It is time to go to her 5th grade classmate's wedding. Who? No she never talks to this person but you will be showing up at their wedding. And you'll be giving them money. Then it is time to visit some other friends of hers and everytime you do, you'll be buying a big box of overpriced peaches to give to them.
Now, no matter how much money you make, no matter how nice the place you live is, no matter what she has, it is not enough and you are going to here about it fairly often. Her friend's husband makes more money than you. The neighbor has a luxury car. Your wife doesn't have any clothes even though she has a closet full of clothes, blah blah blah, money money money money. And you begin to sympathize with the Korean men who spend their freetime drinking bottle after bottle of soju.
That's just the possible bad side that must be considered. I have great kids and a wife who I love a lot, but you must understand that in Korea she will be forced to Play the Game. And that means you will be too. |
HOLY HELL, WHAT A READ!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I turned 31 a few months ago. About a year before that I broke up with my Korean girlfriend of three years. She was/is absolutely the most wonderful girl I could ever hope to meet. Mind-bogglingly funny, pretty, sweet. Adored me to a fault. We loved the same movies (note: not "Love Actually"), the same music (note: not Maroon 5), etc. She was REALLY different from any Korean girl I've met, and just a complete dream of a person. My first serious relationship.
Having said all that she was still... Korean. Never introduced or even mentioned me to her parents, because she was so afraid of being ostracized or even disowned. And for how incredibly cool and charming and beautiful she was, she would start completely illogical fights that reeked of insecurity (like when the belt she bought me for my birthday broke, so I stopped wearing it, or when I bet a bunch of money against Korea in the world cup, and so I wasn't cheering for them in the bar). Or just kind of a way of expressing other stuff she'd gotten pissed about along the way (is my guess).
And yes, there were still regular outbursts or disagreements where her logic, although she seemed kind of ashamed by it, was kind of along the "because I'm Korean, this is Korea, and that's just how it is" set of guidelines.
I think about her every day. I put up good numbers being single, and sometimes it's really nice not to have to always be asking after someone and taking care of someone and feeling obligated to hang out with someone. Being constantly stressed (though not always by her, but of my own doing) and worried about what our future is and if we're just wasting each others time. At the same time, nobody I meet has ever come close to her. I keep telling her that on paper, I let the girl of my dreams get away, just because I'm selfish and cheap and like being alone, doing whatever I want, don't want kids and don't want to spend my money on others or compromise my plans.
I'm at kind of a delicate age, I think (though maybe, looking back, this will not end up being the case) where I'm kind of approaching the end of my attractiveness or my being near the top of the swinging food chain or whatever. Like in a few years, I'll be nearly middle-aged, and probably won't be able to pull what I pull now, and not as often. Sometimes I have these horrible pangs or premonitions of regret where I fear I gave up the love of my life just for a few years of good times and sex with randoms.
But having said all this, deep down, as unsentimental and cold and cynical as it is, I think "Lucky Nomad" paints a picture that really, really needs to be considered before I or any of us make the leap. We still talk sometimes. I saw her for the first time in a year recently, and she said she still loved me and thought of me constantly, and I feel the same way about her. I tell her I want her back from time to time, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just going through the motions. Because her response to it (if there is one) is usually something like: honey, I'm a Korean woman, my family is VERY Korean, and... trust me when I say you DON'T want me.
I don't trust there are people who can be happy with this sort of thing. And maybe I sound like I'm trying to convince myself, but... yeah. I just think the reality of the situation is it is VERY complicated and there is a LOT of baggage and a LOT of differences, and the end result... I'm just not sure it's very pleasant. I don't mean to sound self-righteous, and I am quite concerned, if not terrified, that being alone my whole life will not make me happy, either. But at least it's much simpler. And the alternative, or fixing it or whatever, can just be something to hope for along the way (rather than something to dread, like divorce or scattering a family all over the world or whatever).
Sorry to write so much. Had to get it out. Thank you, Lucky Nomad. I'm gonna watch a movie in the nude with a plate of crappy food on my stomach. |
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J Rock
Joined: 17 Jan 2009
Location: The center of the Earth, Suji
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 4:33 am Post subject: |
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| So OP how about an update, still feeling weird about the whole thing or have you calmed down? |
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edwardcatflap
Joined: 22 Mar 2009
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:55 am Post subject: |
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HOLY HELL, WHAT A READ!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I turned 31 a few months ago. About a year before that I broke up with my Korean girlfriend of three years. She was/is absolutely the most wonderful girl I could ever hope to meet. Mind-bogglingly funny, pretty, sweet. Adored me to a fault. We loved the same movies (note: not "Love Actually"), the same music (note: not Maroon 5), etc. She was REALLY different from any Korean girl I've met, and just a complete dream of a person. My first serious relationship.
Having said all that she was still... Korean. Never introduced or even mentioned me to her parents, because she was so afraid of being ostracized or even disowned. And for how incredibly cool and charming and beautiful she was, she would start completely illogical fights that reeked of insecurity (like when the belt she bought me for my birthday broke, so I stopped wearing it, or when I bet a bunch of money against Korea in the world cup, and so I wasn't cheering for them in the bar). Or just kind of a way of expressing other stuff she'd gotten pissed about along the way (is my guess).
And yes, there were still regular outbursts or disagreements where her logic, although she seemed kind of ashamed by it, was kind of along the "because I'm Korean, this is Korea, and that's just how it is" set of guidelines.
I think about her every day. I put up good numbers being single, and sometimes it's really nice not to have to always be asking after someone and taking care of someone and feeling obligated to hang out with someone. Being constantly stressed (though not always by her, but of my own doing) and worried about what our future is and if we're just wasting each others time. At the same time, nobody I meet has ever come close to her. I keep telling her that on paper, I let the girl of my dreams get away, just because I'm selfish and cheap and like being alone, doing whatever I want, don't want kids and don't want to spend my money on others or compromise my plans.
I'm at kind of a delicate age, I think (though maybe, looking back, this will not end up being the case) where I'm kind of approaching the end of my attractiveness or my being near the top of the swinging food chain or whatever. Like in a few years, I'll be nearly middle-aged, and probably won't be able to pull what I pull now, and not as often. Sometimes I have these horrible pangs or premonitions of regret where I fear I gave up the love of my life just for a few years of good times and sex with randoms.
But having said all this, deep down, as unsentimental and cold and cynical as it is, I think "Lucky Nomad" paints a picture that really, really needs to be considered before I or any of us make the leap. We still talk sometimes. I saw her for the first time in a year recently, and she said she still loved me and thought of me constantly, and I feel the same way about her. I tell her I want her back from time to time, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just going through the motions. Because her response to it (if there is one) is usually something like: honey, I'm a Korean woman, my family is VERY Korean, and... trust me when I say you DON'T want me.
I don't trust there are people who can be happy with this sort of thing. And maybe I sound like I'm trying to convince myself, but... yeah. I just think the reality of the situation is it is VERY complicated and there is a LOT of baggage and a LOT of differences, and the end result... I'm just not sure it's very pleasant. I don't mean to sound self-righteous, and I am quite concerned, if not terrified, that being alone my whole life will not make me happy, either. But at least it's much simpler. And the alternative, or fixing it or whatever, can just be something to hope for along the way (rather than something to dread, like divorce or scattering a family all over the world or whatever).
Sorry to write so much. Had to get it out. Thank you, Lucky Nomad. I'm gonna watch a movie in the nude with a plate of crappy food on my stomach. |
Interesting read, it reminded me of how I felt before I got married. though 31 seems a bit on the young side to think you're over the hill. In the end it's all about compromise. I grew up with parents who had arguments all the time, due to my mother who liked to start them, and I vowed I'd never get in a relationship like that myself. So that was a real deal breaker for me. There are other boxes my missus doesn't tick (she doesn't want to leave Korea and we have very little taste in music or movies in common) but that was a sacrifice I decided to make. Other guys might put up with the occasional row if the lady ticks all the other boxes. If you wait for someone who ticks them all, let's face it, you'll die alone.
Last edited by edwardcatflap on Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:56 am; edited 1 time in total |
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bojangles
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Location: south jeolla
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:56 am Post subject: hey |
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| edwardcatflap wrote: |
Could you give me the gist of it so I don't have to listen to 5 minutes of adverts and people whining about not getting their milk shakes on time. I couldn't find the fast forward button. |
Good things come to those who wait. The gist is not to get married. The reasons why are humorously illustrated by the host who talks to the poor suckers who thought they were doing the right thing because they were in love. Keep tuning in for Leykis 101. |
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edwardcatflap
Joined: 22 Mar 2009
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 7:24 am Post subject: |
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| Good things come to those who wait. The gist is not to get married. The reasons why are humorously illustrated by the host who talks to the poor suckers who thought they were doing the right thing because they were in love. Keep tuning in for Leykis 101 |
At the risk of sounding a bit snobby I don't think many people on here would want to get their pre-marriage guidance counselling from losers/'people calling up a red neck talk radio show where the host has to read out the crappy adverts himself. |
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bojangles
Joined: 19 Feb 2011
Location: south jeolla
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 8:49 am Post subject: what |
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| edwardcatflap wrote: |
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| Good things come to those who wait. The gist is not to get married. The reasons why are humorously illustrated by the host who talks to the poor suckers who thought they were doing the right thing because they were in love. Keep tuning in for Leykis 101 |
At the risk of sounding a bit snobby I don't think many people on here would want to get their pre-marriage guidance counselling from losers/'people calling up a red neck talk radio show where the host has to read out the crappy adverts himself. |
At the risk of sounding a bit presumptuous, I don't think most people on here would like you to do their thinking for them. Those 'losers' are people like you and me. Tom Leykis is a lot of things, but a redneck is not one of them. His current show is a brand new, experimental internet continuation of his very successful Los Angeles radio show that he is funding on his own dime. It's a show for men. Obviously its not for you. |
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edwardcatflap
Joined: 22 Mar 2009
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 11:58 am Post subject: |
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At the risk of sounding a bit presumptuous, I don't think most people on here would like you to do their thinking for them. Those 'losers' are people like you and me. Tom Leykis is a lot of things, but a redneck is not one of them. His current show is a brand new, experimental internet continuation of his very successful Los Angeles radio show that he is funding on his own dime. It's a show for men. Obviously its not for you. |
The guy makes a living out of telling white trash/chavs how to live their lives properly. By making fun of their boyfriends' low paid jobs and judging how much passion they have in life from how they respond to aggressive questioning during the first interview they probably ever had on radio. He makes Jeremy Kyle look professional. I'd rather get marriage guidance from Zackback. |
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LuckyNomad
Joined: 28 May 2007
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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| sublunari wrote: |
I think I read here awhile back that Korean wives threaten divorce on a fairly regular basis and I'm wondering if other married members can confirm this. It took me several months of pleading to get my wife to stop doing this every time we had a disagreement, and although things have improved she still sometimes threatens to move out. We have a baby, which adds an incredible amount of stress to the relationship, and only really disagree about how to put him to sleep (we used the Ferber method with a great deal of success about eight months ago but she still insists on sleeping with him whenever he cries too much, which I think spoils him).
We've come to understandings on a lot of our other points of dissent, and if we manage to head out on a date together without the baby we still have a great time because, for once, we can focus on each other, rather than on whether junior is going to run around and trash whatever restaurant we're in (oh Korean restaurants, you are so wonderful, but everyone sits on the floor, and you do not have high chairs).
I still have a lot of trouble getting her to watch movies with me in the evenings, and she doesn't read enough books for my tastes, but she doesn't waste money like the wives of some other posters, and is actually dedicated to making us rich. My wife is a wonderful, beautiful woman. |
HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Yes, threatening divorce is given at the drop of a hat. Since day 2 of my marriage my wife has been saying it to me. I was losing my mind about it until recently, especially because of our kids. I was about ready to confront her mother as to why she raised a daughter who could divorce so easily. There is nothing in between. It is either, Divorce or solve the little argument immediately. It is like a border dispute automatically triggers a nuclear war. There should be some sort of escalation process in there, right? 
Well I talked to one of my friends who also confirmed that his wife would often threaten him with divorce until he put his foot down and told her if she tried it ever again, he was going to go through with it because living your life like that is simply ridiculous.
If you watch dramas here you'll notice that divorce gets thrown around a lot by women. I saw one drama where the middle aged women tells her husband she wants a divorce and he tels her that he wants one too, which absolutely shocks her. What? You weren't being serious? Then don't say it.
Anyway, my wife and I went to a marriage course a few months ago and all the couples, mostly older couples than us, had the same experience or were having. Damn near all the wives had said it many times or were in the middle of wanting to divorce their husbands. People married 20 or 30 years and the wives would talk about how much anger they had over their husbands behavior for the past couple of decades. Every woman is doing the same thing and every man is hearing the "I want a divorce thing." Hence the Soju.
The divorce thing should not be taken as a serious threat. It is her routine way of saying that she is angry and you had better solve her anger problem. Do it with force, like in those dramas they watch.
I actually diffused a situation in the dumbest way about 2 months ago.
She told me she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce.
"You can't divorce me. You promised you would stay with me."
"When? When did I promise that? Huh?"
"WHEN WE GOT MARRIED! HAPPINESS OR SADNESS! RICH OR POOR! REMEMBER?!"
"OH honey! That's right!" 
Oh? That was easy. Anger gone. Problem solved. She thinks she is in a drama so I'll just pretend like I am too. If she is not using logic, you don't have to either. |
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Scott in Incheon
Joined: 30 Aug 2004
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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13 years of marriage and my wife hasn't once brought up divorce....never. I haven't heard of my friends' wives doing it either...the only couple I know that talked about divorce...got divorced.
Never hear about the salaries or houses of other couples (except from me as I would like a bigger place)...never been to a grade 5 friend's wedding (when they happen she goes by herself)...and we don't hand out money like candy to relatives. We do give out presents but no more to her family than to mine.
Maybe my marriage is the exception that proves the rule, but don't think your marriage as to be has other posters have described.
Last edited by Scott in Incheon on Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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LuckyNomad
Joined: 28 May 2007
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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| is so delicious wrote: |
| LuckyNomad wrote: |
Steelrails is correct. Marriage cannot be based on physical attraction alone. The moment she changes from being your girlfriend to being your wife, things will change. If you picture your life from now until death, during most of that time you will both be in your 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's. The time period where she is really attractive will be kind of short. You have to tolerate this old woman day in and day out until the day you die. Also, when you start having kids, life and your relationship changes. Forget the bangathons. You'll be exhausted and stressed out.
You will fight and yell at each other and get angry and annoyed with each other. How else could it be. Two people sharing their life is not an easy task. You will have to make some serious adjustments. Are you able to make that transition?
Also, some people say that a woman is a woman and being Korean doesn't matter. Well, it does if you are in Korea. She's trapped in the cycle or destruction and you are too. Get ready to find out why Koreans are so stressed out. A lot of your freetime is going to be sucked up by extended family stuff.
Expect to go fairly bankrupt. Money does not have the same value in Korea as in other countries. Just expect it to disappear. On her parents birthday she'll want to give them a couple hundred bucks. On Parents day too she'll want to give them something expensive or a couple hundred bucks. She'll be giving hundreds out as birthday gifts throughout the year. Buying those 30 dollar cakes at Paris Baguett too. Oh, your nephew just graduated Elementary school. She'll give him a hundred bucks. WHAT??!!! I didn't have that kind of money till I had a job in highschool!
Ahh the weekend is here. Time to relax? No. It is time to go to her 5th grade classmate's wedding. Who? No she never talks to this person but you will be showing up at their wedding. And you'll be giving them money. Then it is time to visit some other friends of hers and everytime you do, you'll be buying a big box of overpriced peaches to give to them.
Now, no matter how much money you make, no matter how nice the place you live is, no matter what she has, it is not enough and you are going to here about it fairly often. Her friend's husband makes more money than you. The neighbor has a luxury car. Your wife doesn't have any clothes even though she has a closet full of clothes, blah blah blah, money money money money. And you begin to sympathize with the Korean men who spend their freetime drinking bottle after bottle of soju.
That's just the possible bad side that must be considered. I have great kids and a wife who I love a lot, but you must understand that in Korea she will be forced to Play the Game. And that means you will be too. |
HOLY HELL, WHAT A READ!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I turned 31 a few months ago. About a year before that I broke up with my Korean girlfriend of three years. She was/is absolutely the most wonderful girl I could ever hope to meet. Mind-bogglingly funny, pretty, sweet. Adored me to a fault. We loved the same movies (note: not "Love Actually"), the same music (note: not Maroon 5), etc. She was REALLY different from any Korean girl I've met, and just a complete dream of a person. My first serious relationship.
Having said all that she was still... Korean. Never introduced or even mentioned me to her parents, because she was so afraid of being ostracized or even disowned. And for how incredibly cool and charming and beautiful she was, she would start completely illogical fights that reeked of insecurity (like when the belt she bought me for my birthday broke, so I stopped wearing it, or when I bet a bunch of money against Korea in the world cup, and so I wasn't cheering for them in the bar). Or just kind of a way of expressing other stuff she'd gotten pissed about along the way (is my guess).
And yes, there were still regular outbursts or disagreements where her logic, although she seemed kind of ashamed by it, was kind of along the "because I'm Korean, this is Korea, and that's just how it is" set of guidelines.
I think about her every day. I put up good numbers being single, and sometimes it's really nice not to have to always be asking after someone and taking care of someone and feeling obligated to hang out with someone. Being constantly stressed (though not always by her, but of my own doing) and worried about what our future is and if we're just wasting each others time. At the same time, nobody I meet has ever come close to her. I keep telling her that on paper, I let the girl of my dreams get away, just because I'm selfish and cheap and like being alone, doing whatever I want, don't want kids and don't want to spend my money on others or compromise my plans.
I'm at kind of a delicate age, I think (though maybe, looking back, this will not end up being the case) where I'm kind of approaching the end of my attractiveness or my being near the top of the swinging food chain or whatever. Like in a few years, I'll be nearly middle-aged, and probably won't be able to pull what I pull now, and not as often. Sometimes I have these horrible pangs or premonitions of regret where I fear I gave up the love of my life just for a few years of good times and sex with randoms.
But having said all this, deep down, as unsentimental and cold and cynical as it is, I think "Lucky Nomad" paints a picture that really, really needs to be considered before I or any of us make the leap. We still talk sometimes. I saw her for the first time in a year recently, and she said she still loved me and thought of me constantly, and I feel the same way about her. I tell her I want her back from time to time, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just going through the motions. Because her response to it (if there is one) is usually something like: honey, I'm a Korean woman, my family is VERY Korean, and... trust me when I say you DON'T want me.
I don't trust there are people who can be happy with this sort of thing. And maybe I sound like I'm trying to convince myself, but... yeah. I just think the reality of the situation is it is VERY complicated and there is a LOT of baggage and a LOT of differences, and the end result... I'm just not sure it's very pleasant. I don't mean to sound self-righteous, and I am quite concerned, if not terrified, that being alone my whole life will not make me happy, either. But at least it's much simpler. And the alternative, or fixing it or whatever, can just be something to hope for along the way (rather than something to dread, like divorce or scattering a family all over the world or whatever).
Sorry to write so much. Had to get it out. Thank you, Lucky Nomad. I'm gonna watch a movie in the nude with a plate of crappy food on my stomach. |
Well, I am giving you some of the things that you will have to deal with. I could make a list of good things too, but before people get married they already know a lot of them anyway and see with rose colored glasses. |
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