Korean Job Discussion Forums

[sublunari]

Hi guys, sorry for this long post. To sum up very quickly, I want to ferberize our seventeen month-old toddler, while my wife wants to use traditional Korean methods (sleeping with the baby, pampering him to sleep, carrying him around, doing whatever he wants) which, in my own experience, do not work.

For the first six months of the boy's life, we did things her way, and got absolutely no sleep as a result. She was putting him to bed at eleven, dancing around with him on her back, giving him milk whenever he asked for it, and then waking up two or three times a night to do the same thing all over again. Ferberizing him (letting him cry while also checking on him at periodic intervals) took about a week but was a success: he went to be usually in less than ten minutes and didn't wake up until the morning. We did things this way for about a year, though sometimes my wife would object and try to pick him up or pamper him if he took too long to go to bed, and for the past few months she's taken over the process of putting him to bed, and basically regressed to the way things were during the first six months of his life. As a result it now takes at least an hour to put the boy to sleep, he cries the whole time she's with him (carrying him around or lying down with him in bed), he wakes up in the middle of the night, and if I suggest that we should go back to the Ferber Method, she gets incredibly angry, threatens divorce, screams, cries, threatens to call the police, leaves the apartment (sometimes with the baby), and generally drives myself, herself, and the baby, completely insane.

It's apparently typical here for mothers to sleep with their children until they're in elementary school, but as an American I find that ridiculous and unnecessary.

I'm at such a loss of what to do that I'm posting my story here and asking for your advice.

[edwardcatflap]

More fuel for the 'all Korean women are completely irrational and hysterical' brigade.

Did you ever have disagreements about things before you got married that ended up with your wife threatening to call the police/get divorced etc...? If so, it's kind of your fault and you're probably stuck with it. If not there's a chance she could be suffering from a form of Post Natal depression and might need to see someone.

[sublunari]

I find her to be pretty reasonable about everything else. She saw one psychiatrist here in Korea but the guy sounded like crap to me; he made her watch a video of him delivering some sort of lecture. She refuses to try to find a better shrink to talk to.

[Stan Rogers]

PM sent

[madoka]

I wouldn't be so hard on the wife. Many professionals do not like the Ferber method.

Here's one:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/newborns/case-against-ferber-sleep

"I'll admit up front that I'm biased against Ferberizing, or Ferbering, as it is sometimes called. As a psychologist, I follow the research, which has convinced me that babies do better if they are held when they cry.

I understand how desperate a parent can be to get a child to sleep, and I have many good friends who have used the Ferber method with their babies. But I've found that there are kinder, gentler ways to teach babies to put themselves to sleep. And with all due respect, Richard Ferber is trained in physical health, not mental health. He readily admits that he is not trained in infant psychology.

Most interesting, Ferber now says in interviews that he regrets some of the advice he's given. He's been quoted as saying that he feels badly that child health professionals are encouraging parents to leave very young babies to cry, and that it's ok to co-sleep." . . .

[fosterman]

ask your wife to go stay at her mothers for the weekend, you stay with your son. you put him to bed with a story or sleep with him in bed, take care of him just you and him, then sunday or monday your wife comes back.
you stick to the new routine you just made.
the boy will adapt VERY quickly.

[Captain Corea]

I find that 'the Korean style' of raising babies seems really labor intensive. I enjoyed taking care of mine whenever possible, but was always struck by the question "isn't it too difficult??"

[madoka]

[Captain Corea]

So... all of this "keeping the baby close" has LOWERED stress levels in Korean adults??

Good to know.

[Fox]