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chungbukdo
Joined: 22 Aug 2010
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 Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 12:58 am Post subject: |
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| ATM SPIDERTAO wrote: |
you shouldn't act as if you're equals. you should definitely act like he's the father. |
Thanks for your post. It was very thoughtful and personally helpful.
I definitely don't consider myself his equal simply based on his accomplishments, before Korean culture even gets involved.
Her Mom and I already like each other a lot. |
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mr_thehorse
Joined: 27 Aug 2013
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| Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 7:52 am Post subject: Re: How do you impress a Korean Dad? |
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| chungbukdo wrote: |
| Weigookin74 wrote: |
| chungbukdo wrote: |
Sorry, I'm not saying all Korean dads are the same. Just getting this out of the way to avoid arguments. But I mean the kInd of Korean Dad who is against their daughter getting married to non-Koreans, especially non-Asians. What kInd of stuff can I do to look better in his eyes?
I am already studying Korean and also want to be in this country long term. Of ccourse I love and care for his daughter. |
Want his respect,? Show him you're going to marry his daughter and he can either get on board and support or go eff himself. He'll respect you grudgingly for being a man and maybe someday get over his xenophobia. Look him in the eye when you see him and don't let him give you the stare and show weakness. Say Hi to him everytime you see him. Have a: "I don't give a sh!t look on your face." He'll come around. Don't be a girly man. |
I don't really want him to "eff himself" because I don't want my girlfriend excommunicated from the family. I am not worried about myself at all--so what if a small chubby asian man I don't know very well is upset at me? My worry is her relationship with the family.
I'm not sure if I should stare into his eyes. From what I've heard about Korean culture, you are not supposed to stare into your teachers eyes or any other person who thinks they are deserving of your respect. Purely by my physical presence I am more likely to be construed as "scary" or aggressive in Korea so its better if I tone those things down. I am a 6'2" 110kg bodybuilder with the face of an Islamic terrorist. |
you seem like a smart fellow. the guys who are advising the bull in the china shop mentality tend to be the most frustrated people here(look at their previous posts).
you got the mother's nod. thats all you need. fathers like to think they are in control, but from my experience its the mother that calls the game. Think hard power (father) vs. soft power (mother). Fathers are ripples. Mothers are a f'ing tsunami wave.
Best of luck to you brother. |
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denverdeath
Joined: 21 May 2005
Location: Boo-sahn
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| Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 8:05 am Post subject: Re: How do you impress a Korean Dad? |
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| mr_thehorse wrote: |
| chungbukdo wrote: |
| Weigookin74 wrote: |
| chungbukdo wrote: |
Sorry, I'm not saying all Korean dads are the same. Just getting this out of the way to avoid arguments. But I mean the kInd of Korean Dad who is against their daughter getting married to non-Koreans, especially non-Asians. What kInd of stuff can I do to look better in his eyes?
I am already studying Korean and also want to be in this country long term. Of ccourse I love and care for his daughter. |
Want his respect,? Show him you're going to marry his daughter and he can either get on board and support or go eff himself. He'll respect you grudgingly for being a man and maybe someday get over his xenophobia. Look him in the eye when you see him and don't let him give you the stare and show weakness. Say Hi to him everytime you see him. Have a: "I don't give a sh!t look on your face." He'll come around. Don't be a girly man. |
I don't really want him to "eff himself" because I don't want my girlfriend excommunicated from the family. I am not worried about myself at all--so what if a small chubby asian man I don't know very well is upset at me? My worry is her relationship with the family.
I'm not sure if I should stare into his eyes. From what I've heard about Korean culture, you are not supposed to stare into your teachers eyes or any other person who thinks they are deserving of your respect. Purely by my physical presence I am more likely to be construed as "scary" or aggressive in Korea so its better if I tone those things down. I am a 6'2" 110kg bodybuilder with the face of an Islamic terrorist. |
you seem like a smart fellow. the guys who are advising the bull in the china shop mentality tend to be the most frustrated people here(look at their previous posts).
you got the mother's nod. thats all you need. fathers like to think they are in control, but from my experience its the mother that calls the game. Think hard power (father) vs. soft power (mother). Fathers are ripples. Mothers are a f'ing tsunami wave.
Best of luck to you brother. |
true all DAT! however, think about your g1rl. SHE may be the biggest source of p0w3r of th3m all. tis tru3. remember it! |
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mr_thehorse
Joined: 27 Aug 2013
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| Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 8:16 am Post subject: Re: How do you impress a Korean Dad? |
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| denverdeath wrote: |
| mr_thehorse wrote: |
| chungbukdo wrote: |
| Weigookin74 wrote: |
| chungbukdo wrote: |
Sorry, I'm not saying all Korean dads are the same. Just getting this out of the way to avoid arguments. But I mean the kInd of Korean Dad who is against their daughter getting married to non-Koreans, especially non-Asians. What kInd of stuff can I do to look better in his eyes?
I am already studying Korean and also want to be in this country long term. Of ccourse I love and care for his daughter. |
Want his respect,? Show him you're going to marry his daughter and he can either get on board and support or go eff himself. He'll respect you grudgingly for being a man and maybe someday get over his xenophobia. Look him in the eye when you see him and don't let him give you the stare and show weakness. Say Hi to him everytime you see him. Have a: "I don't give a sh!t look on your face." He'll come around. Don't be a girly man. |
I don't really want him to "eff himself" because I don't want my girlfriend excommunicated from the family. I am not worried about myself at all--so what if a small chubby asian man I don't know very well is upset at me? My worry is her relationship with the family.
I'm not sure if I should stare into his eyes. From what I've heard about Korean culture, you are not supposed to stare into your teachers eyes or any other person who thinks they are deserving of your respect. Purely by my physical presence I am more likely to be construed as "scary" or aggressive in Korea so its better if I tone those things down. I am a 6'2" 110kg bodybuilder with the face of an Islamic terrorist. |
you seem like a smart fellow. the guys who are advising the bull in the china shop mentality tend to be the most frustrated people here(look at their previous posts).
you got the mother's nod. thats all you need. fathers like to think they are in control, but from my experience its the mother that calls the game. Think hard power (father) vs. soft power (mother). Fathers are ripples. Mothers are a f'ing tsunami wave.
Best of luck to you brother. |
true all DAT! however, think about your g1rl. SHE may be the biggest source of p0w3r of th3m all. tis tru3. remember it! |
good man. i stand corrected sir. Girl #1 |
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KimchiNinja
Joined: 01 May 2012
Location: Gangnam
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| Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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| IPayInCash wrote: |
There is NOTHING you can do to change his views. Youll always be a foreigner to him, and everyone else in Korea for that matter.
So instead of acting like a beta do whatever you want and dont show any signs of weakness, that way he has no choice but to accept you.
Luckily for me my smoking hot girlfriends dad was blown away when he met me. My confidence, my success, my presence, it tends to have a way with people. We have met on multiple occassions and he thinks very highly of me, which is no surprise after meeting someone like me. |
Haha, yes! 
I agree with this attitude in many ways.
When the woman's dad heard about us, the rumor was he was going to kill us both. He's old school, hard arse, ex-military intelligence, rules the family with an iron fist. After meeting me he changed his mind, now he brags to everyone about knowing an American, and thinks I'm the best of his sons (which probably annoys his two real sons).
A few things that helped 1) admire the guy, he's was a total bad boy back in his day, that's cool, people can tell when you admire them, ain't nobody hates someone who admires them, 2) be respectful and patient but don't back down or 'beta out', damn that guy tried everything in the book to get me to be his slave (like the rest of the family is), none of his schemes worked, and eventually he had to accept me and show respect, 3) eat Korean food and say how fantastic it is (mandatory), 4) give him gifts on birthday and holidays, don't be an inconsiderate bastard.
Things go much more smoothly with the guy on your side, just make it happen. |
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Who's Your Daddy?
Joined: 30 May 2010
Location: Victoria, Canada.
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| Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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In my fathers-in-law's case, he respected me when I did a 2 year lease on a large family sized apartment. He knew I could take care of his daughter, and I wasn't just going to run away if things got tough.
KimchiNinja is right with his post. I'd say any father wants to see that you're a real man, not a boy. |
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Milwaukiedave
Joined: 02 Oct 2004
Location: Goseong
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| Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 3:04 am Post subject: |
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I'll chime in here. I'm closing in on 6 years of being married. Here is what happened.
I met my wife, we dated for almost a year. I proposed and we got married at the beginning of January . My wife first told her older sister, younger sister, and mother. Her father was the last to find out. Initially I understand he was hesitant. I was invited over for Lunar New Year. He warmed up to me right away. We went to a Karoke Bar with the family and had some drinks. My wife told everyone we were getting married. We planned a ceremony for June. At some point she told her parents we already went through with the paperwork and they had no problem with it by then.
Her parents have accepted me as their son. |
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PatrickGHBusan
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Location: Busan (1997-2008) Canada 2008 -
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| Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 4:38 am Post subject: |
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| Milwaukiedave wrote: |
I'll chime in here. I'm closing in on 6 years of being married. Here is what happened.
I met my wife, we dated for almost a year. I proposed and we got married at the beginning of January . My wife first told her older sister, younger sister, and mother. Her father was the last to find out. Initially I understand he was hesitant. I was invited over for Lunar New Year. He warmed up to me right away. We went to a Karoke Bar with the family and had some drinks. My wife told everyone we were getting married. We planned a ceremony for June. At some point she told her parents we already went through with the paperwork and they had no problem with it by then.
Her parents have accepted me as their son. |
This pretty much mirrors my experience with my wife's family.
My parents in law never treated me like foreigner and I became one of the family. So that BS about us always being foreigners to our spouses family is just bull sorry. |
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Stan Rogers
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
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| Posted: Sun Dec 01, 2013 5:16 pm Post subject: |
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| PatrickGHBusan wrote: |
| Milwaukiedave wrote: |
I'll chime in here. I'm closing in on 6 years of being married. Here is what happened.
I met my wife, we dated for almost a year. I proposed and we got married at the beginning of January . My wife first told her older sister, younger sister, and mother. Her father was the last to find out. Initially I understand he was hesitant. I was invited over for Lunar New Year. He warmed up to me right away. We went to a Karoke Bar with the family and had some drinks. My wife told everyone we were getting married. We planned a ceremony for June. At some point she told her parents we already went through with the paperwork and they had no problem with it by then.
Her parents have accepted me as their son. |
This pretty much mirrors my experience with my wife's family.
My parents in law never treated me like foreigner and I became one of the family. So that BS about us always being foreigners to our spouses family is just bull sorry. |
Let me correct this for you. They didn't treat you like you thought a foreigner might be treated. But they have, and probably always will think of you as a foreigner because you are a foreigner. You are never really part of the family until you give them a grandchild.
As for impressing your Korean Dad, I just did. I gave him a bottle of whiskey and a raw fish. He thinks I'm the champ. |
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Captain Corea
Joined: 28 Feb 2005
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Sun Dec 01, 2013 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Stan Rogers wrote: |
Let me correct this for you. They didn't treat you like you thought a foreigner might be treated. But they have, and probably always will think of you as a foreigner because you are a foreigner. You are never really part of the family until you give them a grandchild. |
Perhaps it's best if you only speak for yourself.
To say that all other families are like this, is simply incorrect. |
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Weigookin74
Joined: 26 Oct 2009
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| Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Juregen wrote: |
| IPayInCash wrote: |
There is NOTHING you can do to change his views. Youll always be a foreigner to him, and everyone else in Korea for that matter.
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Oh really ...
Came to meet the parents in 1999. From the bat, my wife told me her father said she should not marry a foreigner. I had a steep mountain to climb, or so I thought.
Spend 2 weeks in South Korea. At the end of the 2 weeks, he had no more qualms about his oldest daughter getting married to a blond, green-eyed foreigner.
2003 Got married IN Korea (PhD got in the way)
2005 Moved permanently to South Korea
2006-2007 MBA in Korea University
2013 Still no problens with anyone in South Korea
Koreans treat you the way you treat them, you act like a baby, they'll treat you like one. |
Are you a rich foriegner? With all those qualifications, it sounds like you might be able to have a good job here. In which case, money and status takes over and shuts out the racism.
Had a friend who went through something similiar. Because he had a good job and made lots of money in the west and married her there, his dad had no problem. But if it were a lowly English teacher, he would have been as racist as heck. He moved here and he and his wife got all kinds of crap from the locals though, but they did live in a small town.
In essence, most of the time, even the most racist Korean will throw it out the window in favor of money and status. The younger generation is changing a lot in these regards. But, anyone over 40 here will either fully or partially have those type of views. (Well, not everyone; but many.) |
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Weigookin74
Joined: 26 Oct 2009
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| Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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Let me also add, they tried to turn him into their own personal ATM machine. They came here 10 years ago. So, Korea was probably a much different place than it is today.
Gold digging is a trait common in many asian countries with the whole family in on the conspiracy. |
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Captain Corea
Joined: 28 Feb 2005
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Weigookin74 wrote: |
| Juregen wrote: |
| IPayInCash wrote: |
There is NOTHING you can do to change his views. Youll always be a foreigner to him, and everyone else in Korea for that matter.
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Oh really ...
Came to meet the parents in 1999. From the bat, my wife told me her father said she should not marry a foreigner. I had a steep mountain to climb, or so I thought.
Spend 2 weeks in South Korea. At the end of the 2 weeks, he had no more qualms about his oldest daughter getting married to a blond, green-eyed foreigner.
2003 Got married IN Korea (PhD got in the way)
2005 Moved permanently to South Korea
2006-2007 MBA in Korea University
2013 Still no problens with anyone in South Korea
Koreans treat you the way you treat them, you act like a baby, they'll treat you like one. |
Are you a rich foriegner? With all those qualifications, it sounds like you might be able to have a good job here. In which case, money and status takes over and shuts out the racism.
Had a friend who went through something similiar. Because he had a good job and made lots of money in the west and married her there, his dad had no problem. But if it were a lowly English teacher, he would have been as racist as heck. He moved here and he and his wife got all kinds of crap from the locals though, but they did live in a small town.
In essence, most of the time, even the most racist Korean will throw it out the window in favor of money and status. The younger generation is changing a lot in these regards. But, anyone over 40 here will either fully or partially have those type of views. (Well, not everyone; but many.) |
You're way out to lunch. Both in your assessment of Jurgen's situation, and the overall picture.
I came to korea with a mountain of debt, and from a poor family. I had nothing to offer my wife (and her family) financially or through status.
Yet they accepted me as a person.
And the thing is, that rings true for most of the foreigners I know that are married here. Not everyone, but most.
And trust me, I know a lot of married couples here. |
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