Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Buff]

I've been dating a really great Korean guy for about 6 months and have spent time with his Korean friends. The other day I kind of overstepped my bounds with a joking comment I made to his hyung. He was pretty gentle about it, but still kind of corrected me. I'm still unsure of how I crossed the line, but the b/f says the fact that he corrected me was acknowledging that there is a relationship and he sees me as his dongseng (sp?) by default. So....the question is... does this ever happen to you and if so, how do you handle it?

[Bulsajo]

Sounds wierd without having more details. What was the joke? Was the joke understood? Was it taken badly by the other person, or was it just your boyfriend who objected. I don't think you'll get many helpful answers without telling more.

But no, it's never happened to me- maybe I just tell funny jokes...

[Buff]

Sorry for the lack of details, I was just trying to be brief. Unfortunately it's not really possible. I'll do my best to explain.

My b/f's hyung wanted to take us(me, boyfriend, and another girl) out for dinner but had to go grocery shopping first so he brought us along and we helped. Everything went fine. He had agreed to drop us off at my place, but in the car on the way home he was asking who was going to help him carry all the groceries up to his place. The other girl had a bad back but said she would help, and he was dropping us off at my place because I had ripped the seat of my pants on a metal part sticking out of his car and was embarrassed to be walking around. So they were trying to figure out what to do.

I thought I'd be funny and jokingly said, "you could get a luggage cart" because he bought a TON of groceries. It was not a serious suggestion and wasn't really directed at him personally, but just a general, offhanded remark. Then it got really quiet. "E" (b/f's hyung) said something to the effect of, "I know you're not Korean so I understand that you may not know how to act with people who are older than you (he's 5 yrs. older), but if you were Korean, I would be really mad at you for being so disrespectful. But don't worry about it...it's ok...just so you know for the future, etc..."

I'm thinking it was maybe the sarcastic (although joking)tone of voice or maybe somehow communicating that I would not help that was perceived as disrespect, but I'm still clueless. My b/f says it's too hard to explain what exactly was offensive, but that it's best to keep any jokes aimed at either myself or someone completely detached (i.e. Michael Jackson or something) when with someone who is my oppa.

Sorry that this is so long, but I'd like to know if anyone else has been in this kind of situation and how they handled it.

[hellofaniceguy]

Quote
"I know you're not Korean so I understand that you may not know how to act with people who are older than you (he's 5 yrs. older), but if you were Korean, I would be really mad at you for being so disrespectful. But don't worry about it...it's ok...just so you know for the future, etc..."


Everything points to you being in the wrong relationship! Especially down the road! The warn signs are present.
He's your senior, 5 years older, is a crock of bull reasoning! Respect is a two way street! Age has nothing to do with it! It's common manners and common respect. How many times have I seen pregnant women, at least 7/8 months by the looks of it, walking out of e-mart carrying bags of food while the husband/BF just walks ahead without carrying any bags! Many times I have seen it! Or he does not hold the door open for her, many examples.
How to handle it? If you don't already know how to handle it..... a rough road ahead.
Tell him that you are suppose to be equals!! He is not above you or anyone else. The same with his parents. Friends. One earns respect, not demands it.

[dutchman]

Funny stuff. Buddy sounds a little uptight. I don't think he is typical. I joke with older Korean friends all the time. Sure there are differences you need to adjust to but most Koreans will meet you half way. I'd be more concerned about your boyfriend's reaction than his hyung. If you can't joke around with him, lose him.

[Buff]

hellofaniceguy...read carefully, it wasn't my boyfriend who said that. It was his hyung. I can joke around with my boyfriend...we joke all the time...one of the more sarcastic, goofy, and equal relationships I've ever been in. He respects me, treats me great... it's just his hyung who had something up his butt. I just want to keep the peace with his hyung and wanna know how I should approach humor with him in the future.

[sparkx]

deleted...sorry i also misread it...For the record though I always joke around with older guys too. Old dudes at my company love the fact that im not a slave to the confucian hierarchy. Its all a question of breaking them in and showing no self-consciousness about it. I make no bones about who I am - age doesn't mean sh*t to me and I talk to people accordingly. As my uncle always used to say to me, "if they can't take a joke, fawk 'em'"

[katydid]

Guy has a serious problem with his humor detector.
Just cause he's your bf's friend (hyeong) he HAS to be your oppa?
I've been reading your comment, and have no idea how or why it should be considered offensive.

[Bulsajo]

B/F's hyung is a jackass with no sense of humour, or maybe they all got the impression were calling him a weak old man. Regardless, still a lack of humour- have you asked the B/F what he thinks of hyung? It's an unequal relationship that he has to put up with (one of many) but you don't- find a reason to be 'busy' next time hyung invites you out.

[The Evil Clown]

[Buff]

Yeah, I'm still clueless on how the comment was offensive. B/f likes hyung most of the time but doesn't like his bluntness. I talked to b/f and he said that he would talk to hyung-ie-poo about it. It just sucks because before this little incident I really liked hanging out with him and he was always really nice...now that he said that I want to avoid him. Ah well...thanks for the input.

[Swiss James]

Doesn't found offensive to me, but I've been surprised sometimes as to how even fairly young koreans can want to be pretty clear about what your relationship is to them on the seniority scale.
I used to rail against it cos I thought it was stupid (OK then, because it is stupid) but if you just play along a couple of times they seem to stop being bothered about it and you can just be yourself again.

[Pyongshin Sangja]

Maybe he wants your boyfriend and is jealous of you.

[Buff]

Haha! That's rich. I mean...after all, my boyfriend IS pretty hot... I think that's my favorite interpretation so far:)

[katydid]

Yeah they say a lack of sex makes people uptight.