Korean Job Discussion Forums

[ajuma]

Maybe being a woman and teaching at a uni makes things different for me (or maybe it's just me!), but I have 5 VERY close Korean friends, both male and female.

One was my female co-teacher when I first came to Korea. We were both new at the school, and she was the only one who spoke half-way decent English. We've traveled together, and shared all kinds of experiences. She was the ONLY person who I could speak English to for ONE MONTH before I met other foreigners. We have a bond that won't ever be broken.

The other 4 are quite a bit younger than I am, but we "bonded" for some reason. They're my "Korean family" and any of us would do anything for any of the others. And while 3 of them are no longer at my uni, we still keep in touch regularly and love each other as much as "natural" family members do.

[jinglejangle]

I've lived in Korea for about a year and a half now. I would like Korean male friends, but I've gotten burned a number of times.

I partly blame Korean culture, and partly my lack of sensitivity to it, especially at first. Also, I was in a really bad place emotionally/spiritually when I came, and that really affected things.

I have made one very close friend here; a korean soldier with whom I've worked the whole time I've been here. He just got out, and it remains to be seen what path our relationship will take now, but I somewhat expect that it will cool off, mature, and not die. All my other male relationships here pretty well have died.

But the big thing here I think is a half understood, difficult to translate concept called cheong (��). This is a very important concept to Koreans, and the closest I can do to describe it is to say it means something like shared experiences and common ground leading to a deepened relationship and connection. My current relationship has much cheong.
We went through very difficult times together, suffered under the same bad NCO's and officers, commiserated over each others disasterous love life episodes, and spent a great deal of time eating, drinking, and discussing everything under the sun. All of these things build cheong, as they would in any western relationship. But we also would say that we had cheong thru the people that we knew in common, and spent time with together. In the Korean mindset, if our relationship goes south, it will make things very difficult with our other mutual friends as well, therefore we are bound together. This is one reason why you can have a lot of cheong with someone you do not like, as he showed me.

There are many things also you can do to hurt a relationship in Korean which would not have occured to me. For example, this same friend once recieved a "coin" a trinket given out for superior performance in the military. Often they are given out at random, and as there is no associated paperwork they are worthless, save as momentos. My friend got this one for doing very little, and as it had no value for him, he gave it to me. I tried refusing it, and he acted as though it was trash, so I took it and gave it to someone else who did value it, right in front of him. That hurt him a great deal, and pissed of every Korean around me. That would have destroyed a relationship with a Korean of lesser understanding on the spot, but my sudden understanding, and his forgiveness, actually deepened our cheong.

Another pitfall would be expressing anger or extreme displeasure OR praise in front of others. That sort of thing is much better left to formal ceremony or when the two of you are alone. I have ruined some very close relationships by blowing up in public.

Overall, assuming you find someone who likes you for more than novelty or English, the key factor will be mutual understanding, sympathy, patience, and forgiveness, as well as all the cheong you can create. Just be aware that when you do this, anything you do create with him will likely be lost should your relationship fall apart, so that a breakup with a close Korean friend can cause hurt almost on the level of a breakup with lover.

My final advice therefore is this. The Chinese say that a cunning rabbit has three warrens. Just so, when living in Korea, it is wise to have a few mutually exclusive relationships. Say one primary and two long term on the burner. Korean relationships, once established, can go awhile on very occasional contact, if your primary, preferably someone from work or church or something where you already have much contact and cheong, goes south, you can fall back on your other support nets. Also, I consider it well advised to keep your love life with Korean women fairly separate from you close friendships, and to maintain regular, close friendships with at least some westerners, to stave off homesickness, help you deal with culture shock, and have someone to commiserate with who knows much more how you feel.

I'm gonna request some of the more experienced hands to review this entry and make sure I'm not full of bullhocky on this one, but in the limited scope of my largely unsuccessful experieces here, I think this advice is largely sound. Albiet poorly written.

[Gwangjuboy]

Making Korean acquaintances is easy. Maintaining a good relationship with them, and cementing genuine friendship is very difficult. Never underestimate how much of an outsider you are, and how long it will be before you truly become part of their circle. You can get in there though. I have a very good Korean friend who let me stay at his house (his family were there too) in between jobs. He even left a key for me to let myself in when everyone was out. It has taken a lot of effort from both sides to get the friendship to this stage. You really have to work on it. I have known him for nearly 3 years and I think I am about there, and the friendship is very rewarding. I have some other Korean friends too, but because they are more than 10 years older than me, it makes cementing a true friendship with them difficult. Still, very good people though.

[The Man known as The Man]

[bad guy]

Koreans you take as they come. Some are pretty eay going and easy to get along with, others you don't want anything to do with. I find if you do make a good friendship with a Korean, they will do anything to help you. I have met a good few Koreans, and they are better than most foreigners in this country. Yes there are the odd language barriers to over come, but that is better than dealing with the majority of the fucked up english teachers in this country. Why are so many english teachers so alternative and strange?

[jinglejangle]

[PolyChronic Time Girl]

There is also a cultural difference with the issue of space. Many Koreans go gun-ho over their relationships and I have often made Korean friends but tried to break it because they became too suffocating or demanding of my time. I've practically been stalked when an older ajumma I made friends with would sit in her car outside my house and just repeatedly call and say, not ask, "right now, we look at Cherry Blossoms" Westerners we tend to plan our outing more or set a date...we like distance. But Koreans tend to be more spontaneous and have a more "Okay, let's do this right now" attitude...nothing wrong with it, of course, but many westerners value more solitude and space from their friends. I can understand what many of the men are talking about with personal questions and the "instant friend" syndrome....and the strained conversations can make it a little more difficult. It's not always exciting when you are out with a Korean and they ask really mundane questions in order to practice their English, such as "what did you eat for breakfast today."
Generally, I tend to avoid/blow off strangers who just seem overzealous in meeting foreigners. I've been in the sauna and have a couple of business ladies march up to me and say "oooh, I like foreigners...give me your phone number. We meet sometime" Warning flag right there...potential stalker and cheap-skate who wants free English lessons.
But I do have Korean friends and they are usually just the chill ones I meet who are friends with someone I know. They are open-minded and interested in learning English, but they are not fanatical about it. After living in Korea for sometime, you learn which types of "English zealots" to stay away from.

[thebum]

One of my best friends is a Korean guy. He came to America more than 2 years ago to study. However, he is not a typical Korean at all. In fact, he hates many of the same things about Koreans and Korean culture that people write about on here all the time.

[Universalis]

[jinglejangle]

Universalis..
Very very wise.

[Universalis]

All of my Korean friends share two things in common: a willingness to speak Korean with me; and they're non-smokers. The former is important because it's a good sign that the person is interested in me as a person.. not as an English speaker. And regarding the second, I don't like hanging out with smokers very much, no matter what their nationality.

Because of these two things, I don't have many male Korean friends. Too many of them are smokers and it just really turns me off...

Brian

[Mashimaro]

I've found the korean people who are the most 'friendly' and often initiate friendships are actually the last people you would want to build lasting friendships with.

Whilst I give people some credit for approaching a stranger and being friendly, a bit of confidence doesn't mean they are a good or interesting person.

Like any country it's probably a numbers game, you have to meet a lot of people before you meet people you'd like to make lifelong friends. Most foreigners don't meet that many koreans in their short time here, even fewer if you discount people met in bars.

[jajdude]

It is a stange thing that occasionally a Korean man will give his "name card" to a foreigner for no apparent reason, and they'll maybe speak a little broken language together, then he might ask the foreigner to call him sometime. Maybe it's polite?
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I wonder...do many Koreans wish they had foreign friends, but feel it to be hopeless (language, few foreigners, culture diffs.) ?

[Leslie Cheswyck]