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mithridates
Joined: 03 Mar 2003
Location: President's office, Korean Space Agency
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 Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 10:10 pm Post subject: |
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All the women that have liked me the most have done so through their own volition. I can't remember once trying really hard to get their affection. I've always been good, never cheat, am never late, don't forget things, etc. but there was definately no incessant suitorship, no wracking my mind over them day and night, nothing of the sort.
The woman I've tried the hardest to like me is the one who has never thought of me as more than a friend. That's a special situation though and I had no choice but to be persistent.
The one thing I noticed above everything is that women seem to like guys who are 75% absorbed in what they are doing, but still decent and interesting when hanging out. It's attractive when you're hanging out with someone and you know they are giving you some of their time when they could be doing something else. For some reason that makes people way more attractive. |
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mithridates
Joined: 03 Mar 2003
Location: President's office, Korean Space Agency
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| Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 10:14 pm Post subject: |
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PS dating someone at work and having it turn into a nightmare will make you think 'wow, what a nightmare that was' for the next few months. Missing out on the opportunity to date someone when it looked like it could have been possible will stick in your mind for even longer, sometimes up to a person's deathbed.
Here's what people regret the most: they know that they should be doing something, and yet they convince themselves through 'logic' or whatever system of thought they have at the time that it wouldn't be wise. After the fact you look back and realize that the 'logic' was either completely mistaken, or simple fear disguised as common sense. |
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coolsage
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Location: The overcast afternoon of the soul
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| Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| MOS: You are quite forthcoming about your personal foibles; I find that admirable. And if I'm rightly reading the signs from up here in the hills, you are indeed falling in love. You seem to have a handle on it. Friends first, that's all good. Be honest, honorable, considerate. Anticipate her needs. And assuming that the cosmos is unfolding as it should, blissfulness is headed in your general direction. It's a hell of a ride. All luck with it. |
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Badmojo
Joined: 07 Mar 2004
Location: I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
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| Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Manner of Speaking wrote: |
Ah, my head is in a whirl. Stopping yourself from doing too much analysis, overthinking, in these situations is so difficult.
Coolsage, yeah I've been here a long time...but some people despite their age, can have certain parts of their character and personality well-developed by this point, and other parts not so well developed. People can be half-assed at their jobs but awesome at maintaining relationships. I think I'm a bit of the opposite.
I've never really "dated" much. In college I met people through mutual friends and in classes, had my share of fun, but the times I've really been in a real relationship have been few, but when I fall I fall deep. I could never see any point in dating someone if you didn't have any feelings for them, even if the physical part of the relationship was good, or even spectacular.
I met this woman almost exactly four weeks ago. This is her first time teaching overseas, she knows very little about Korea right now, but she's really trying hard in her job. Putting up with the unfair complaints that first-time teachers get, doing her best, ambivalent about what she's doing and afraid she might not be able to handle it all, but really trying.
The first day she was here, I was the first "veteran" she met...we talked for about an hour about Korea and the gigs here, gave her advice, tried to be a friend and be supportive. She's kind, levelheaded, not crazy, smart, a little scared, trying to make friends and make her students like her. I'm trying to be a friend, be supportive, but I'm afraid of coming off like a know-it-all, I've been here 6 years and there's no such thing as someone who really knows it all.
We're going to be working together in the same place for a year. We both started at the same time. I'm waiting for things to stabilize, for the job to settle into a stable routine...sometimes the greatest accomplishment you can make working here is to have a stable gig and do a consistent job over the whole course of your gig. That's all anyone can ask for. So to some extent I just want to be thinking about my job, not about anyone else around me.
And for her part, everything is so new and there is so much to absorb. I can understand her. It's almost not fair to come to another country, halfway around the world, start a completely new career. And then have someone you barely know suddenly have feelings for you, with all the obligation that entails, whether you have feelings for them back or not. I can understand completely how maybe she just wants to have friends right now, needs friends right now, doesn't want to get into a relationship. God, that's completely fair. Who wouldn't understand that?
But to a great extent, after meeting her, I can't just do my job anymore. She walks into the teachers staff room, and everyone else in the room just seems to disappear. The air feels electric around her. She's beautiful, down to earth, considerate, smart, supportive, funny, fantastic.
Oh, I hate feeling this way. You feel so undignified. You feel like there's no money left in your bank account anymore, or like you're waiting for the test results to come back. A sense of emotional stability you've taken for granted for so long is just GONE. When I was in my 20s, love felt like a fire hose stuck in the middle of your chest, pumping all the blood out of you, turning you into a deflating ballon. So much in your head and your heart to wrestle, get control over again. At this age, when it happens to you it doesn't feel so sharp, so raw-edged, but...
So I guess I have a new task this year...one I didn't expect, but one I think I can handle. Be a friend. Be honest to yourself, honest to her. Become friends first, be a better person. Be what she needs right now. Because maybe what she needs right now is also what I need right now. Don't start becoming obsessed or creepy. Be close, dependable, but not overbearing. Spend time having some laughs, getting out with mutual friends, out seeing a bit of the country. Be dependable, be a man. And hope that a good friendship will lead to something deeper. And accept it and move on if it doesn't.
I just sit here and wonder...how the F*** did this happen? |
Man, you did got hit by a thunderbolt.
I personally wish you all the best, but if this doesn't work out down the road, it might get ugly. Don't worry about that now. From the tone of your post there's only one direction and it's forward.
She sounds like quite a woman. |
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zappadelta
Joined: 31 Aug 2004
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2005 1:36 am Post subject: |
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| Yea, can you post a picture of her and then we can decide better if she is worth risking it for. |
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rapier
Joined: 16 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2005 4:43 am Post subject: |
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to be honest, the very fact that you 100% love and respect someone virtually ensures that you have no chance with them.
Not sure why: thats just the way it has been with me. The rare, incredibly special woman that you really get into and would do anything for,(there have been 4 in my life) always slips away somehow: either she leaves, or circumstances do not permit, or she vanishes from your life with no trtace, or she's married, or whatever.
You never get her.
Sure, you can pick from a pool of women who like you but you are undecided about, and settle for someone half decent and "grow to love them" over time. But the angels, the goddesses are ever elusive.
As Russian novellist Ivan Turgenev said: "Real love is unrequited, fleeting, and crowned by death".
I believe that.
Last edited by rapier on Sun May 01, 2005 8:57 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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mindmetoo
Joined: 02 Feb 2004
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2005 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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| rapier wrote: |
| to be honest, the very fact that you 100% love and respect someone virtually ensures that you have no chance with them. |
Maybe it's your approach. You're not noted here for having the most enlightened attitude towards women. You sure you don't creep women out from the get go? Because I find women who are 100% in love with me and respect me really like me being 100% in love with them and respecting them. |
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rapier
Joined: 16 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2005 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
| to be honest, the very fact that you 100% love and respect someone virtually ensures that you have no chance with them. |
Maybe it's your approach. You're not noted here for having the most enlightened attitude towards women. You sure you don't creep women out from the get go? Because I find women who are 100% in love with me and respect me really like me being 100% in love with them and respecting them. |
Very PC. But my guess is that you've settled for the one available to you. Somewhere deep inside you pine, regret the one that got away, that you can't have. This is true for most people.
Last edited by rapier on Sun May 01, 2005 11:30 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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pollyplummer
Joined: 07 Mar 2005
Location: McMinnvillve, Oregon
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2005 9:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Manner of Speaking wrote: |
But to a great extent, after meeting her, I can't just do my job anymore. She walks into the teachers staff room, and everyone else in the room just seems to disappear. The air feels electric around her. She's beautiful, down to earth, considerate, smart, supportive, funny, fantastic.
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 I gotta wear sunglasses for this one! You hate this feeling, but you love it at the same time. I think it's possible that you really see her, or have the potential to really see her, from what you've written. This is one thing that a woman wants: for someone to really see her, not just to think she's pretty, not just to admire her character, not just to appreciate her attitude, but someone to truly see who she is and to love her all the more for it. (even her shortcomings) A women wants this, but she's often frightened at the same time, for to truly be seen is to be naked before the seer. What if he doesnt love me after he sees me like this? What if he never wants to see me again after having sprayed soda out my nose while laughing? What if one day I am mean to him and he will not accept my apology? What if I become boring to him? What if I'm his stepping stone to somewhere else? Women have their share of fears, too.
I don't think you need to worry so much about being careful because she is new to Korea and new in her job. She's not new to being an adult. Meeting the person of your dreams may not come package wrapped, ready for you to open it at the most convenient time. The best things about life are often inconvenient. You meet people where you meet them and when you meet them. I think that she will appreciate you recognizing that you are both adults who seem to be level-headed enough to handle your feelings with some wisdom. Who knows? She may have come to Korea for adventure, but maybe meeting someone else along the same path is something that she has entertained as a possibility as well. I dont know, pal... my work is boring. So what if there is drama at work? If you handle your part well, then any high drama as a result of things going sour will not be your fault and you should be able to just ignore it. I like drama in the workplace, though I'm not often involved in it. It gives me a reason to chuckle at my co-workers. ;o) Drama and relationships are part of life and life doesn't shut off just because you are at work. Now, that doesn't mean you should feel free to do it on the copy machine  but don't be afraid to be alive wherever you are, even with the potential for drama and things getting ugly.
As far as what she needs and wants... maybe as you gradually get to know her better, she will reveal that to you. Most girls overseas are very independent and happy to wrestle with challenges and differences. But you cannot assume that this kind of woman is like this at all times. Sometimes I want to conquer new worlds and sometimes I just want to be held. Always I want to be seen. That's probably the bravest thing a woman can do- to be truly known by a man for all that she is and all that she isn't, and to not run away when he finds out that she's not perfect either. In a relationship where there is a potential for two people to really see each other, there is a depth of adventure and emotion that will far surpass any adventure of being in a new country with a new culture. That adventure is internal and may co-exist with external adventures. It does not and should not take a second place. |
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mindmetoo
Joined: 02 Feb 2004
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 3:01 am Post subject: |
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| rapier wrote: |
| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
| to be honest, the very fact that you 100% love and respect someone virtually ensures that you have no chance with them. |
Maybe it's your approach. You're not noted here for having the most enlightened attitude towards women. You sure you don't creep women out from the get go? Because I find women who are 100% in love with me and respect me really like me being 100% in love with them and respecting them. |
Very PC. But my guess is that you've settled for the one available to you. Somewhere deep inside you pine, regret the one that got away, that you can't have. This is true for most people. |
I rarely settle. I'll happily go 2 or 3 years sans girlfriend sans ho-ho-ho-we-used-all-the-furninture-last-night-yi-ha-ride-'em-skipper because I don't want to pass up Miss Right. Life is full of regrets, although I'd be hard put to think of any in my life. In general, happy and balanced people can accept both their (romantic) victories and (romantic) defeats with equal aplomb. In other words, you can't always get what you want. You don't sound like you've ever learned that lesson. A woman rejects your advances, it's because she's biatch who is just out to find the guy with the fattest wallet, it seems. |
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rapier
Joined: 16 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 4:23 am Post subject: |
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| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
| to be honest, the very fact that you 100% love and respect someone virtually ensures that you have no chance with them. |
Maybe it's your approach. You're not noted here for having the most enlightened attitude towards women. You sure you don't creep women out from the get go? Because I find women who are 100% in love with me and respect me really like me being 100% in love with them and respecting them. |
Very PC. But my guess is that you've settled for the one available to you. Somewhere deep inside you pine, regret the one that got away, that you can't have. This is true for most people. |
I rarely settle. I'll happily go 2 or 3 years sans girlfriend sans ho-ho-ho-we-used-all-the-furninture-last-night-yi-ha-ride-'em-skipper because I don't want to pass up Miss Right. Life is full of regrets, although I'd be hard put to think of any in my life. In general, happy and balanced people can accept both their (romantic) victories and (romantic) defeats with equal aplomb. In other words, you can't always get what you want. You don't sound like you've ever learned that lesson. A woman rejects your advances, it's because she's biatch who is just out to find the guy with the fattest wallet, it seems. |
Does your 100% love and respect for your girlfriend include posting her picture up on the internet for hundreds of anonymous seoulites to view, in an effort to try and "fetishize her"? |
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mindmetoo
Joined: 02 Feb 2004
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 4:26 am Post subject: |
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| rapier wrote: |
| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
| to be honest, the very fact that you 100% love and respect someone virtually ensures that you have no chance with them. |
Maybe it's your approach. You're not noted here for having the most enlightened attitude towards women. You sure you don't creep women out from the get go? Because I find women who are 100% in love with me and respect me really like me being 100% in love with them and respecting them. |
Very PC. But my guess is that you've settled for the one available to you. Somewhere deep inside you pine, regret the one that got away, that you can't have. This is true for most people. |
I rarely settle. I'll happily go 2 or 3 years sans girlfriend sans ho-ho-ho-we-used-all-the-furninture-last-night-yi-ha-ride-'em-skipper because I don't want to pass up Miss Right. Life is full of regrets, although I'd be hard put to think of any in my life. In general, happy and balanced people can accept both their (romantic) victories and (romantic) defeats with equal aplomb. In other words, you can't always get what you want. You don't sound like you've ever learned that lesson. A woman rejects your advances, it's because she's biatch who is just out to find the guy with the fattest wallet, it seems. |
Does your 100% love and respect for your girlfriend include posting her picture up on the internet for hundreds of anonymous seoulites to view, in an effort to try and "fetishize her"? |
Yeah! Eat your heart out. |
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rapier
Joined: 16 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 5:19 am Post subject: |
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| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
Does your 100% love and respect for your girlfriend include posting her picture up on the internet for hundreds of anonymous seoulites to view, in an effort to try and "fetishize her"? |
Yeah! Eat your heart out. |
so you've told her then? I can't see how any balanced person would post pics of his girlfriend all over the net without her express permission, in order to try and force himself to feel more attracted to her. Still, do whatever you feel it takes.  |
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NightSky
Joined: 19 Apr 2005
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 5:50 am Post subject: |
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| rapier wrote: |
| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
Does your 100% love and respect for your girlfriend include posting her picture up on the internet for hundreds of anonymous seoulites to view, in an effort to try and "fetishize her"? |
Yeah! Eat your heart out. |
so you've told her then? I can't see how any balanced person would post pics of his girlfriend all over the net without her express permission, in order to try and force himself to feel more attracted to her. Still, do whatever you feel it takes. |
haha...right on, rapier...the only thing worse than baby avatars is girlfriend avatars! |
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mindmetoo
Joined: 02 Feb 2004
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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| rapier wrote: |
| mindmetoo wrote: |
| rapier wrote: |
Does your 100% love and respect for your girlfriend include posting her picture up on the internet for hundreds of anonymous seoulites to view, in an effort to try and "fetishize her"? |
Yeah! Eat your heart out. |
so you've told her then? I can't see how any balanced person would post pics of his girlfriend all over the net without her express permission, in order to try and force himself to feel more attracted to her. Still, do whatever you feel it takes. |
I love my girlfriend and to me she is the most beautiful person imaginable. And I'm going to idolize her. Got a problem with that? I'm sure you do. Come back to me when you've put together a stable, emotionally enriching relationship. Until then, keep being a wonderful example of how not to live your life to the rest of the members of Dave's. You're fun to laugh at. |
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