Korean Job Discussion Forums

[periwinkle]

My (future) mother-in-law doesn't want my fiance and I to attend any events. Apparently once you set your wedding date, it is bad luck to attend any kind of event, such as birthday parties, funerals, other weddings, etc. I guess it's because you want to avoid conflicting with the luck of others. Heh- funny thing is, I don't believe in luck. Karma, yes; luck, no.

Anyway, my close co-worker (guy on my team- there are only 3 of us) is getting married this weekend. I've managed to get my fiance's approval (pu ha ha) to attend, but he will not be attending, unfortunately.

I don't think my fiance holds any stock in this belief. He justs want to humor his mother. I feel badly for him, actually, because he (we) have missed-out on several events because of this (I don't really mind, because it seems like there's something to attend every gol-darned weekend). Also, our co-workers think his mother is being old-fashioned and irritational.

I told him that in the future, I don't want his mother's ideas running our household, and especially not dictating how we raise our children. He assured me it won't be a problem because she's independent and has her own thing going on. Case in point: I told him I WILL NOT be eating mi-yuk-kook for days on end following the birth of our future children ("Why not? It's healthy...."). Etc, etc.

Hey, it's cool if people want to hold onto superstitions so their culture won't die out, yada, yada, yada, but man, I had to have NUMEROUS conversations (ok- whine sessions) w/my fiance so that I could attend this wedding w/out it causing a rift in our relationship. Never a dull moment, hey?

Anybody else encounter anything like this?

[Freezer Burn]

Theres a lot of talk about his culture, what about yours?

[fidel]

[Grotto]

I say you whack her. While she's sleeping you slide a fan into her room and all your problems will be solved

[hellofaniceguy]

Gesh...he's not man enough to stand up to his mother and yet wants to control his future wife it seems...
any woman marrying a korean male is in for a life time of....mainly unhappiness....and why oh why did I ever marry him! Now it's too late..."we have children and I am too old to start over and I have no money saved...so I might as well be unhappy and yet still secured knowing I have a place to live with my children." Very common thinking with korean women.
What... a few days ago...foreign wives of korean men....article in the KH....the majority are regreting it.

[Gopher]

You should be careful and think long and hard, and explore issues you think are not even important now: like what might happen to your children if you separate, for example.

Also, if there are "family" issues now, don't expect them to go away once you get married. Indeed, they will get a little worse. Once you have children, issues will emerge that didn't exist before.

Cross-cultural marriages are much more problematic than they appear on the surface. Be careful and be sure you understand what you're getting into. Koreans aren't the most tolerant of people, for example.

[komtengi]

[Jamin]

It is interesting that you are prepared to marry a Korean male but not prepared to deal with the culture. Of course your mother-in-law will play a big part in your life. You must know that in Korea culture the upon marrying a female essentially joins the males family. I am sure that your mother-in-law will make allowences due to you not being a Korean. I think it is your responsibilty to make allowences for her as well. One of the fun benefits of marrying into another culture is the opportunity to be an active participant in that culture.

Essentially, don't expect your Korean husband to suddenly not act Korean. He will defer to his mother. He will try to do things to make her happy. This means that he will likely ask you to do things like eat mi-ok guk after you give birth. Why not, it won't hurt you and it will make your extended family happy! Take into account your husband's position. He always needs to straddle two cultures. A position that forces him to constantly explain your actions to his mother and her actions to you.

I have been married to a Korean lady for the last 8 years. One of the highlights of our relationship is that I am able to function within the korean culture on its own terms. I know my responsibilities as a male married to the oldest daughter. This fact has allowed me to create some strong bonds with my in-laws that would have been impossilbe if I had tried to deal with them as if they were from the west.

I think if you try to understand your mother-in-law, you will not only strenghen your relationship with her but also learn to see the world in a totally new way!

[denverdeath]

I'm not defending any Korean mother-in-laws or anything, but I have a half-decent relationship going with mine. Yes, I have put up with a little crap, and my wife and I have had a few big fights about things, but most of the things were really not that bad and we've always worked things out...so far. I think if anyone should be shot, it's the fortune tellers. My mother-in-law is supposed to be Christian which makes some things even harder to fathom. She goes to those idiots all the time. The first incident was when we were waiting for a date to be set for our marriage. The "oh so important" YY/MM/DD/TT. I could give them the first three but had trouble with the last. We waited almost two months for the actually date to be set and then we had to do everything at the last minute. I think they were even trying to get my blood-type from me at one point...I still don't know what the hell it is. I think the main problem was the difference in our ages, but who knows? I think the woman ended up flipping through a calendar with her eyes closed to give us the date. We, the people who were getting married, never even met the damned fortune teller. Another incident. Again, finger pointed at the fortune teller. I was moving from my last place to where I'm currently living. Of course, the in-laws were involved and the fortune teller had to decide the date. The best time, in my opinion, was on a sunny Saturday or Sunday. No, that wasn't possible. Instead, the date was a Friday. This was the day when everyone had to work, I had an early-afternoon meeting, and it was pouring out. I still shake my head when I remember that time. If nothing else, it's good entertainment. Other posters have some good advice. Don't give in too much. Not to the mother and not to the spouse. A lot of it is just pure foolishness that I don't mind letting slide...

[ulsanchris]

denverdeath sounds like the fortune teller might be choosing your childrens names. I hear a lot of mothers do that to their daughters children. I wish you luck there.

[hellofaniceguy]

You need to tell the MIL to mind her OWN business...I'll do it for you!
Good relationship or not...it's NOT her business to interfere!
She needs to be put in her place. She didn't like her MIL interfering in her marriage you can bet on!
I'd tell her straight up...."it's my life, my wife and my marriage...stay out of it....your only concern should be your daughter's happiness and you are not making her happy. Your daughter does not have the guts to stand up to you, I do."
Sure...the MIL will be angry at you...but...she'll get over it and respect you for being a man.

[Gopher]

So many peoples and cultures around the world are just one step higher than fire worshippers, it's insane.

On one date in Chile a black cat ran across our path and the girl -- I kid you not -- made a series of spins, and I'm gonna go ahead and estimate seven.

I was, first of all, surprised to see the cat to begin with. Chileans are afraid of cats and generally dislike them -- although there are a few exceptional people who own and like cats there, generally wealthier, well-traveled, educated people, by the way. I once tried to play with my kitten in my home in San Diego while a Chilean girlfriend was visiting me, saying "look at that baby face!" and she sermonized me on orhpans...

If I were married to a Korean and my mother-in-law was consulting a fortune teller to get the names of our kids, without allowing me any input, I'd try really hard to lay down the law on that one. It's almost a dealbreaker, man.

[Gopher]

[denverdeath]

[komtengi]