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[Sleepy in Seoul]

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his Itinerary to visit Ninety-Mile Beach on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an Australian rugby jersey struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Australian from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was, of course, the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist, xenophobic people trying to divide New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow.

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up, or do we need to get another one?"

[Sleepy in Seoul]

A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son
to college

Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee.

When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: "Fascinating, no? Don't I perhaps look like a count?"

"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"

[Sleepy in Seoul]

Once, a long time ago, there was a Wallaby tour of New Zealand. During their stay in Wellington, one of the players had a fairly torrid affair with a local lass. The team moved on, the girl stayed behind, and the whole thing was eventually forgotten about.

Four years later, the same player returned to NZ with another Wallaby touring side. They were in Wellington, and who should he see walking down the street but his lover with a small child! He rans up to her and greeted her, and asked if the child was his. "Yes", she said, "it is." "But why didn't you tell me?" he asked plaintively. "Well" she said, "after I found out I was pregnant, I invited all the members of my family together for a discussion on the matter - my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, aunts and cousins. And we all came to the same conclusion: we would rather that it was a b*stard than have a Wallaby for a father."

[Wangja]

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies.

Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger. The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

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This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.



Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage With six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass
glipper on both the sugly isters without success - their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[Wangja]

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?







Well, most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears but once in a while you get an ass so fantastic it brings tears to your eyes!

[Wangja]

A teacher was explaining how a double negative, when spoken, always gives a positive. This, he said, is true in every language accross the world.

However, there is no example in any culture where a double positive gives a negative! Looking proud, the teacher sits down, and there followed a short silence, followed by a sarcastic voice:

"Yeah, right."

[Wangja]

With apologies to my southern hemisphere cousins....


An Englishman, an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"Well mate, in 'Straaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out a gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[Wangja]

. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
. Every calendar's days are numbered.
. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
. A backward poet writes inverse.
. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
. When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
. Without geometry, life is pointless.
. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown Apart.
. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[Wangja]

A well dressed gentleman walks into a pub and up to the bar.

"Can I get you a drink sir"? Enquires the landlord.

"Indeed you can my good man, I'll take one for myself", he says, "I'll take one for you to join me and" raising his voice, "one for EVERYBODY in the pub"!

A large cheer goes up followed by a stampede for the bar. Friends are quickly made and drinks are quickly drunk. Upon finishing his drink, the gentleman turns again toward the bar and the landlord,

"I'll take one for myself, I'll take one for you to join me and one for EVERYBODY in the pub"!

Another cheer goes up. And so the evening progresses, as one round is finished another is ordered by the welcome stranger.

Come ten O'clock the gentleman is just starting his recital, "I'll take one for myself..." when the landlord interupts,

"Hold on sir, no more, I've no more drink, the pub has been drunk dry"!

"Not to worry", says the gentleman, "come on men, to the next establishment follow me".

"Hold on just a minute", says the landlord, "what about the bill"?

"Ah", says the gentleman "money, yes, well I haven't any, I am sure we are all most grateful for your hospitality..."

At this point the landlord springs over the bar and proceeds to beat the gentleman to within an inch of his life.

Several days later, having discharged himself from hospital, the gentleman finds himself once more outside the same pub, and enters.

The landlord sees him and watches incredulously as he walks toward the bar, just as the gentleman is about to speak the landlord interupts,

"Hang on, don't tell me, you'll take one for yourself, one for me to join you and one for EVERYBODY in the pub, right"?

"No" says the gentleman, "I'll just take one for myself and one for EVERYBODY in the pub"! He then leans over to the landlord;

"None for you this time my good man, you seem to get a bit nasty after you've had a few".

[Wangja]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday?

I'd love to be twelve again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* the Death Slide,

* the Wall of Fear,

* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,

* every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well, Dear, what was it like being twelve again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you stupid bastard."

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong !

[jinglejangle]

53!

[Wangja]

Mostly for Brits, but imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Eeeuww!!.....)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole

The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart

[Wangja]

North Americans do not need to read this tale ....



The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly sisters would not let her go.

She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her. "Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my step mother and step sisters won't let me go to the ball"

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother."

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and listen to it carefully. You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon.

The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied.

[Wangja]

[Hobophobic]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and
all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your underwear .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not