Korean Job Discussion Forums

prorohiv · Joined: 02 Dec 2005 Location: Seoul

Hi there folks, I need some help on this.
I met my girlfriend here in grad school a year ago, now we're both ready to move back to her home. I have teaching experience and an ok education, she studied art in different countries and has apparently spent a fortune on her education. About a month ago she tells me that in order to pay her parents back for all they've done for her she's going to get a job and her entire salary will be given to them every month. She also asked me if she can't find a job to give them part of my monthly paycheck. I told her straight up no. I never had any help going through college, god knows how much in debt I am, I've also argued that if we want to have a family one day we need to save and make the best use of our salaries.
She says she can do what she pleases with her salary, which is true but it sucks she's so stubborn on this one point.
Help please, anyone who's had any similar experiences, how did you resolve this? I don't want this to be the breaking point in our relationship.

Homer · Guest

cruisemonkey · Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:16 am Post subject:

You're moving into your crazy girlfriend's parents place? WTF is wrong with you?

Homer · Guest

Cruise...put like that...I have to agree! Very Happy

prorohiv · Joined: 02 Dec 2005 Location: Seoul

No I'm not looking to move into her parent's place, why would I do that, I simply meant moving to Korea. And yes, it'll be the first time she's had to budget/live on her own salary.
Is this common practice in Korea? I know in Thailand where I taught for 3 years If a foreigner wanted to be with/marry a thai lady he had to pay the parents to release her, this was in fact the reason I left.

Ya-ta Boy · Joined: 16 Jan 2003 Location: Established in 1994

ajuma · Joined: 18 Feb 2003 Location: Anywere but Seoul!!

If you really care about this girl, maybe you can find a middle ground. Tell her that you think she's a fine person for wanting to help her parents, but she needs to help YOU, since you are a couple. Tell her that when she gets a job, she has to put 50% (or whatever you think is reasonable) of it into a "household account" and you will do likewise. The other 50% is hers to do with as she will...as YOUR 50% is yours to do what YOU want (and don't be blackmailed or "loved" into giving up your share!!).

joe_doufu · Joined: 09 May 2005 Location: Elsewhere

It's common for Asian people to send money to their parents. The parents probably raised children for this purpose... to make them richer in middle age, and to support them entirely after retirement. Especially because she's a woman, and not expected to have to support her own home and self, she feels free to send all her earnings to the parents. I would try to compromise with her and send only a portion to the folks.

Homer · Guest

Then again..if her parents are in need...it can be quite understandable she wants to help out. But..all her earnings.....thats a bit much.

rapier · Joined: 16 Feb 2003

teachingld2004 · Joined: 29 Mar 2004

Cruise, thank you for your post. I needed a good laugh.

tzechuk · Joined: 20 Dec 2004

My parents spent a fortune on my education - private school and 2 uni degrees - they never asked me for a penny back. I give them some money every month, so that I am sure they have enough to live on and can afford a few luxuries. When I go to HK I get them lots of stuff that they want/need.

I would never ever thought to give them my entire salary - nor would they expect it - and I would never, ever ask my husband to give up any of his money to give my parents. He gives me a monthly allowance and it's up to me to do what I want with it, but I wouldn't say, you have to give me an allowance PLUS so much for my parents a month.

I think it is ludicrous.

jazblanc77 · Joined: 22 Feb 2004

You're not married yet... you do the math on what you owe her family!

If you are thinking that she is the one, get this sorted out now, before these expectations have been set and duly expected.

Obligations to the my wife's family was one of the hardest things for me to accept during our engagement and honeymoon period. She also wanted to give her whole salary to her parents, even though it was not expected of her and still isn't. After a lot of talk on the subject, we came to a compromise and decided to put some money away each month for her parents(to the amount of only a couple hundred thousand per month), so that they could use it when they are no longer able to work. This eases my wife's guilt trip and still ensures the PILs some security in their retirement. The main thing is that in a relationship with any Korean, you will likely be confronted with the situation and therefore need to accept it and find a compromise.

To me, her asking for you to support her completely AND shell out to her parents while you are just dating is very unreasonable.

Mashimaro · Joined: 31 Jan 2003 Location: location, location

give them exactly 3/7s of sweet fa

jacl · Joined: 31 Oct 2005

I would say to her, "No, I'm not going to give your parents any money. How will you eat?"