Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Starperson]

Is this normal?


Today my boyfriend (we've been together for over a year) and I had planned to spend the day together. However, it turns out that last evening his mother's 'cousin' turned up and spent the night, and now it's up to my boyfriend to drop her out to Suwon this afternoon, enjoying a nice family visit along the way! Now, from my point of view, this is selfish of the relative and of my boyfriend's mother. It seems to me that the cousin could be more organised and think of a way to get herself home, rather than ruining the plans that my boyfriend may have had.

It's the same with his boss. If he wants him to come in several hours earlier, which means he works a 12.5 hour day, he tells him the night before by phone!

Is this normal? (Especially the family thing). They always do this to him, including his older sister, who might decide she needs a forty-minute ride home the night before his big final exam.

Is it normal for this sort of thing to go on? Is it considered fair in this culture?

[Homer]

I suggest you ask your bf what he thinks of this instead of us.....
It is his family afterall.

[Ryst Helmut]

Star,

Yes-ish. This is a cultural norm, as I have been 'a part' of it for years now. Best example I can use is:

Week between spring and summer session (time off) I get a call (actually, full foreign staff) at 9 am telling me to go to school by 10 am to pack up our offices, as we are being moved. Three days of packing, moving, unpacking, yaddy ya...all with 1 hour's notice....anything left in offices would be tossed. For those who left, and unable to return in time, were screwed...good thing the rest of us packed their stuff.

My Korean family has not pulled any of that bs, as I do most of those family responsibilities naturally, but the parents-in-law do yank on the younger brothers. I think I nipped this cultural string through commenting on dramas when watching with the family... I remember we were watching a show where a daughter was 'made' to do something (by parents) she didn't want to, in order to appease a second uncle. I said that those parents were bass-ackward in choosing harmony with a distant relative, than their child (and future care-giver).

Of course, you can be passive aggressive, and explain that you had plans, and let them know you'll do this for them....guilt the relative..

I personally think that you should just roll with it....this is small stuff, so don't sweat it.

Be careful what you reap!

Shoosh,

Ryst

Oh, dating a year? I pray your BF ain't the oldest child/son, if so and you marry, you best get ready for this kinda stuff to intensify.

[HardyandTiny]

It is VERY typical in Korea for people to spontaneously get-together, arrive at another's home uninvited, call in the morning and tell you they are having a birthday party at 600pm, suddenly call and ask everyone to come out and take a family picture, etc.. It is also typical for your BF to be expected to drive people all over the place.

In my opinion there's not a lot you can do. Your BF is just carrying out his duty and he's not doing anything wrong. And the visiting relatives don't see there unannounced visits as rude or a problem in anyway...YOU are the one who sees a problem, not THEM. Be careful, If you complain about it, the family will consider you as a troublemaker and might blame you when something goes wrong in your realtionship, even if it's your boyfriend's fault.
I never liked the spontaneous thing. I also found it incredible that related Koreans would show up, stay in my home and suddenly open bedroom doors without knocking!
Forget it. If you're a foreigner, do yourself a favor, make some money have a few beers and get the hell out.

[Harpeau]

When my wife and I first met over 4 years ago, this type of stuff would happen and I told them to plan ahead. I got rather myffed about it. Now, they don't invite us over so often, or they try to call a couple days in advance and know if we have plans, then we probably won't make it, so they're planning ahead a little further.

Chusok and Solal- we usually take the time for family, and of course medical emergencies. What we've tried to instill to her family is that we are busy, our time is preacious and they need to be a little thoughtful if they want us to join up with them.

With the sudden thing happening, we have a choice, we make a decision. Sometimes, she goes alone. They've come to figure out that we are very busy and keep a schedule. They're dealing with a Westerner that needs time to plan things.

The main thing is to be loving, polite, tactful, and express that you care. e.g. my mother in law was in the hospital. We couldn't come right away, but we did come 2 days later. (It wasn't life threatening.)

Most of all, you are what you choose.

Cheers,
Harpeau

[Starperson]

Thanks for the advice. I'll try to discreetly 'instill' a few things into the family.

It seems to me that generally, being a foreigner wife would be a completely different story to being a foreigner husband.

What's your experience with this concept? A man's parents come first, then his children, THEN his wife. This is how it seems to work. Or is my boyfriend overly old-fashioned at his young age of 26?

And, yes, he is the oldest son.

[Harpeau]

Many Korean men are traditional. Very few have the guts to go against the traditional family values- though I have seen one or two courageous examples of it, it's very rare, indeed. The guy really has to want it and probably experienced other cultures and is powerfully drawn to them.
Best wishes,
Harpeau

[anae]

In my husband's world, we as a couple come first followed by any children we might have and then parents (his and mine). When I worry about how our non- traditional (immigrated to Canada, I work, we don't have children even after 4 years of marriage and are considering adoption) lifestyle might be looked upon by his parents, he says what is good for us is good for them. He feels that his parents just want us to be happy.


Then again, he is the second son and has this luxury. His elder brother is very traditional with an arranged marriage, the whole two and a half kids (let the third be a boy, please!) and lives close to home to help with the farm and the ancestor ceremonies. This son gets the financial benefits of the family that go along with the responsibility, while we just look after ourselves.

[waterbaby]

I am a foreign wife of a first born son

Great news is that his family is very laid back and not so traditional. Yeah, we do the bowing thing for New Year and will join grandmother's first born son for Chusok this year (our first Chusok as a married couple). We live in Seoul, they live in Pohang, his younger brothers are in the military.

And whenever we visit my parents-in-law, they dote on me ... here's the credit card - go shopping! What do you want to eat? I'll do your washing etc etc etc... There's definitely no traditional role that I am expected to fulfil.

[Corporal]

I'm also the foreign wife of a first-born son.

I refused to bow to his mother. I bow to no man, nor no woman neither. She should count herself lucky I still smile and and acknowledge her AT ALL, after the shit she has pulled.

I make my husband one meal a day. The rest of the time he has to fend for himself.

Basically, I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

All things considered, his mother doesn't like me that much, but that's her problem, isn't it? And, I know she wanted me to have a male child, but that's her problem too.

[anae]

Ladies!

That's great news. One for lucking out with a non-traditional family. I hope it stays that way for you. The other for having the chutzpah (sp?) to stand up to your in-laws for bad treatment. It gives me faith.

[dutchman]

[Trinny]

Story about my Korean ex-fiance and his family.

Even before marriage, I had to go to his parents place every weekend. Sometimes, when his aunts and cousins dropped in, I peeled fruits and prepare meals for them, while they sat in a couch and did nothing. They didn't even bother to strike up a conversation with me or be friendly. His first and second cousins were about the same age as I was, but I still have to obey them, because they were my mother-in-law would-be's nieces and that means they were at the top of hierarchy and I was at the bottom of the barrel.

One day I decided to pack up and leave for Canada. That was the best decision I have made yet.

[waterbaby]

[anae]