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periwinkle
Joined: 08 Feb 2003
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 Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 7:45 pm Post subject: Does your SO have an issue with your gay friend? |
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One of my best friends in Korea is gay. I guess you could say my husband "tolerates" him, at best. My friend might read this, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I'm not going to say much. What it really comes down to is his insecurity that I have a good male friend. He threatened to find himself a lesbian friend. I said fine, I have no problems with him having a lesbian friend. Why should I? Anybody else have this problem?  |
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xingyiman
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
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| Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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| The issue of your husband "tolerating" him demonstrates the still present uncomfortable nature of large numbers of people towards the group. I always hate it when the issue of tolernace comes up because to tolerate something means to accept something that you find objectionable. There is a big difference between tolerance and acceptence. I had a simlar problem years ago when I was married and had a very attractive study mate at college. My wife clearly didn't like the fact that I was spending time with this person. In lieu of your current dilemna you it soulds like your husband isn't going to give so you might have to ask yourself whch is more important - your marriage or your friendship? I don't condemn him for not wanting associate with him. There are lots of people that I dont want to be around either. I dont have a problem with the people who are gay, and equally I have no problem with people who do not agree with the gay/lesbian lifestyle so long as either group does not use their differences as a basis to commit crimes or deny personal liberties. I have had people that I was friends with in the past who were gay and I enjoyed the asociation with them. But it was never a deep association as I judged that our lifestyles were too different. If I were you I would try havin a long conversation about it wth your huby and explain yourself. And find out wy he is so objectionable to your friend. Is it based on deep beliefs that he holds about the ssue of homosexuality or is it a more shallow hatred? |
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peppergirl
Joined: 07 Dec 2003
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| Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:30 pm Post subject: |
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| My Korean husband doesn't have any problems with my gay friends (male/female), none of them live in Korea though. He didn't mind having a gay godmother for our baby (asked someone else cause she already has a bunch of godchildren). |
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jacl
Joined: 31 Oct 2005
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:22 am Post subject: |
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| You probably make him feel jealous. Most likely your fault in part. |
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paperbag princess
Joined: 07 Mar 2004
Location: veggie hell
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:05 pm Post subject: |
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right, it's her fault that her man is insecure and homophobic, not his.  |
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dutchman
Joined: 23 Jan 2003
Location: My backyard
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:42 pm Post subject: Re: Does your SO have an issue with your gay friend? |
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| periwinkle wrote: |
| One of my best friends in Korea is gay. I guess you could say my husband "tolerates" him, at best. My friend might read this, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I'm not going to say much. What it really comes down to is his insecurity that I have a good male friend. He threatened to find himself a lesbian friend. I said fine, I have no problems with him having a lesbian friend. Why should I? Anybody else have this problem? |
Not enough info given.
If my wife had lunch with her gay friend (or straight friend) a couple of times a week and he was over to our home occasionally. I'd have no problem.
However, if he's taking her to gay clubs every weekend and chatting her ear off every night while sitting on my sofa making snarky comments about my nose hair and poor fashion sense...then yes, I'd have a problem. |
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laogaiguk
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Location: somewhere in Korea
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 4:21 pm Post subject: Re: Does your SO have an issue with your gay friend? |
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| dutchman wrote: |
However, if he's taking her to gay clubs every weekend and chatting her ear off every night while sitting on my sofa making snarky comments about my nose hair and poor fashion sense...then yes, I'd have a problem. |
Not stereotyping, are you?  |
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dutchman
Joined: 23 Jan 2003
Location: My backyard
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 8:16 pm Post subject: Re: Does your SO have an issue with your gay friend? |
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| laogaiguk wrote: |
| dutchman wrote: |
However, if he's taking her to gay clubs every weekend and chatting her ear off every night while sitting on my sofa making snarky comments about my nose hair and poor fashion sense...then yes, I'd have a problem. |
Not stereotyping, are you? |
Just saying that IF the stereotype were true, I'd find it irritating.  |
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magicwolfman
Joined: 01 Sep 2005
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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| The fact being that homosexuality is a choice, maybe your S.O is worried that your currently homosexual friend will someday come to the realization that homosexuality is "yesterday's fad" and decide to put the moves on you. Do I blame your S.O? Not in the least. Drop the sinner as a friend, who needs the hassel. |
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xingyiman
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| right, it's her fault that her man is insecure and homophobic, not his. |
I am really tired of hearing the word "phobia" attatched to a word to discredit or cast a dim light on a person who disagrees with someone or a group of people. First it was homophobia now its Islamaphobia. I dont make it a habit of hanging around Islamic people or countries where it is the prevailing religeon. So I would be classified as having "Islamaphobia". But I do not have a psycotic, unreasonable fear of a particular religeous preference. It's just that I am wary of placing myself within proximity to people who hate me (because I'm an American) and who seem to have no quams about sending a woman or a child packed with explosives into a crowd of civilians who often consist of people of their own ethinicity or religeon. I have had aquaintences who were gay. I often enjoyed talking to them on work related matters and enjoyed their humor. I didnt hang around them much in their private lives becsause they tended to flaunt their sexuality too much. It's not that in itself but that it always seemed to be an effort to gain acceptence. I am not gay. And I find the prospect of having intimate relations with another man unappealing. Its not that I am insecure about my sexuality. I just have no attraction to men whatsoever. I dont want to sit through a gay porn for the same reasons I would not go back to see the vagina monolouges. It just isn't my bag and I find the subjects inappropriate to my tastes. The OP's husband in question may hold religeous beliefs that homosexual behavior is wrong. Now those beliefs do not give him the right to be mean to or discriminate publicly against the other person. But in the privacy of his home he has the right to view the situation according to his beliefs. I am tired of the Act Up propaganda that suggests all people who think homosexual behavior is abberant are insecure, closet homosexuals. People have the right to view behaviors in any light they choose. Most people I know who have been involved in S&M have had serious character issues often stemming from child abuse. I wouldn't be mean to those people but I also probably wouldn't let them in my inner circle because there is too much divergence of behavior between us and that behavior difference seperates us to degree. The husband may feel that way about the friend and seeing how it is in contact with the more reserved parts of his life and in my opinion he has the right to his views without recklessly being labled as having a legitimate medical condition. |
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Swiss James
Joined: 26 Nov 2003
Location: Shanghai
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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| magicwolfman wrote: |
| The fact being that homosexuality is a choice, maybe your S.O is worried that your currently homosexual friend will someday come to the realization that homosexuality is "yesterday's fad" and decide to put the moves on you. Do I blame your S.O? Not in the least. Drop the sinner as a friend, who needs the hassel. |
The man knows what he's talking about, that's how he got his wife. |
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periwinkle
Joined: 08 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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| magicwolfman wrote: |
| The fact being that homosexuality is a choice, maybe your S.O is worried that your currently homosexual friend will someday come to the realization that homosexuality is "yesterday's fad" and decide to put the moves on you. Do I blame your S.O? Not in the least. Drop the sinner as a friend, who needs the hassel. |
I think that's what it is. I don't think he truly believes my friend is gay (my friend absolutely has no interest in women)- I know my husband just can't wrap his mind around the concept of homosexuality, which is why he " threatened" to find himself a lesbian friend  . I think he is also somewhat jealous of the close relationship we have. I've known my friend longer than my husband, and we have a relationship that is more "female"- gossipy, chatty, and all that. My husband isn't like that.
Ok, changing the topic a bit, is your S/O jealous of your relationship with an opposite sex friend or co-worker? Several of you have recommended I drop my friend I get that, but would you drop your opposite sex friend if your S/O had issues with the relationship? |
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jinju
Joined: 22 Jan 2006
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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| periwinkle wrote: |
| magicwolfman wrote: |
| The fact being that homosexuality is a choice, maybe your S.O is worried that your currently homosexual friend will someday come to the realization that homosexuality is "yesterday's fad" and decide to put the moves on you. Do I blame your S.O? Not in the least. Drop the sinner as a friend, who needs the hassel. |
I think that's what it is. I don't think he truly believes my friend is gay (my friend absolutely has no interest in women)- I know my husband just can't wrap his mind around the concept of homosexuality, which is why he " threatened" to find himself a lesbian friend . I think he is also somewhat jealous of the close relationship we have. I've known my friend longer than my husband, and we have a relationship that is more "female"- gossipy, chatty, and all that. My husband isn't like that.
Ok, changing the topic a bit, is your S/O jealous of your relationship with an opposite sex friend or co-worker? Several of you have recommended I drop my friend I get that, but would you drop your opposite sex friend if your S/O had issues with the relationship? |
if it came down to a choice: S/O or friend..then its bye bye friend. |
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laogaiguk
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Location: somewhere in Korea
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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| magicwolfman wrote: |
| The fact being that homosexuality is a choice, maybe your S.O is worried that your currently homosexual friend will someday come to the realization that homosexuality is "yesterday's fad" and decide to put the moves on you. Do I blame your S.O? Not in the least. Drop the sinner as a friend, who needs the hassel. |
Good thing we still don't burn sinners at the stake, as 200 years ago a name like MagicWolfman would have been a good mob torching just waiting to happen |
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magicwolfman
Joined: 01 Sep 2005
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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| laogaiguk wrote: |
| magicwolfman wrote: |
| The fact being that homosexuality is a choice, maybe your S.O is worried that your currently homosexual friend will someday come to the realization that homosexuality is "yesterday's fad" and decide to put the moves on you. Do I blame your S.O? Not in the least. Drop the sinner as a friend, who needs the hassel. |
Good thing we still don't burn sinners at the stake, as 200 years ago a name like MagicWolfman would have been a good mob torching just waiting to happen |
I saw a good quote once... Burn them all and let God sort them out. I think I sort of applies in this situation |
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