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RACETRAITOR
Joined: 24 Oct 2005
Location: Seoul, South Korea
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 Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:01 am Post subject: |
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| dogbert wrote: |
| RACETRAITOR wrote: |
| Mills wrote: |
| dogbert wrote: |
| I really don't see how that Xenu story is any less believable than a tripped-out purple Indian prancing through a forest while tigers mount elks in ecstasy. |
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Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
So bring on the horny tiger and we'll have a little fairy dance. |
OK, smart guy, explain the eight-armed demons, talking monkey-men, and holy elephants. |
Okay, no problem. I'll explain the eight-armed demons, talking monkey men, holy elephants, and tigers humping elks--and I'll even throw in Jesus and the Holy Trinity, and Muhammad and Moses and the Garden of Eden while I'm at it.
Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.
Xenu the alien ruler Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.
Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).
These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.
The story doesn't end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a "thetan" in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).
After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were eight-armed demons, talking monkey men, holy elephants, tigers humping elks, Jesus and the Holy Trinity, and Muhammad and Moses and the Garden of Eden. In the story this process is called "implanting".
When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.
As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today. |
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Free World
Joined: 01 Apr 2005
Location: Drake Hotel
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 5:09 am Post subject: |
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| RACETRAITOR wrote: |
| As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today. |
I think I heard that he escaped. |
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Bulsajo
Joined: 16 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 9:14 am Post subject: |
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I want a WWF Xenu vs. Cthulu match!
It's the way wrestling was meant to be!
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Rteacher
Joined: 23 May 2005
Location: Western MA, USA
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 4:18 pm Post subject: |
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Who wants to take on this guy? (Reportedly, this battle took place on Earth millions of years ago...)
The Lord incarnates as half-man and half-lion, Nrsimhadev, to fight the demon king, Hiranyakashipu. |
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RACETRAITOR
Joined: 24 Oct 2005
Location: Seoul, South Korea
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Xenu hasn't been released yet. Right now his loyal devotees are preparing for his return, and when it happens you will know.
Here's what he looks like according to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, two very loyal Xenuists.
This is what Xenu looks like on some BBC show. It's more likely the real Xenu was humanoid like this, as Hubbard never offered a description of what he looks like. Although if you were ever to gaze upon Xenu's likeness, you would come down with a case of pneumonia and die slowly.
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seoulsucker
Joined: 05 Mar 2006
Location: The Land of the Hesitant Cutoff
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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| RACETRAITOR wrote: |
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Dude, that's Emperor Ming from Flash Gordon. |
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RACETRAITOR
Joined: 24 Oct 2005
Location: Seoul, South Korea
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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| seoulsucker wrote: |
| RACETRAITOR wrote: |
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Dude, that's Emperor Ming from Flash Gordon. |
Perhaps, but why does he have Magneto's helmet? |
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laogaiguk
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Location: somewhere in Korea
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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| It's nice to see everyone agreeing. Scientology and Isaac Hayes suck! |
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Rteacher
Joined: 23 May 2005
Location: Western MA, USA
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| Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 4:18 am Post subject: |
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What about Jenna Elfman?
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Mills
Joined: 07 Jan 2006
Location: Incheon
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| Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Are you suggesting that just because an actor/actress believes your load of crap, it is any more believable?
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laogaiguk
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Location: somewhere in Korea
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| Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Mills wrote: |
Are you suggesting that just because an actor/actress believes your load of crap, it is any more believable?
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I hope not, cause the entire point of the thread is STUPID actors/actresses who believe in crap!  (And especially Isaac Hayes) |
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RACETRAITOR
Joined: 24 Oct 2005
Location: Seoul, South Korea
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Hollywoodaction
Joined: 02 Jul 2004
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| Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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Once again, you beat me to it. Damn you, RACETRAITORRRRRRRRRRR! |
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RACETRAITOR
Joined: 24 Oct 2005
Location: Seoul, South Korea
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| Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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What can I say? Xenu contacted me telepathically...
...using Fark. |
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Bulsajo
Joined: 16 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 10:38 am Post subject: |
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So somebody is spreading lies and engaging in a smear campaign against Scientologists?
Schadenfreude.
It's wrong but it feels so good... |
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