canuckistan
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Joined: 17 Jun 2003
Location: Training future GS competitors.....
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 Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 5:19 pm Post subject: Pocket Taser Stun Gun |
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Moral of the story: if you want a jolt, stick to licking 9-volt batteries 
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This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser
were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, nuts nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my nuts. I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
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