Korean Job Discussion Forums

davester13 · Joined: 07 Nov 2005

We all have heard of people, usually males, who, after having their romantic advances spurned by a member of the opposite sex, doggedly pursue the object of their affection until he or she eventually relents and enters into a relationship with his or her suitor. But I�m wondering when this kind of persistence (not stalking) is a suitable course of action, especially in small-town Korea (about 200,000) where I live.

I met a rather shy 27-year-old Korean woman (I�m 31) about a month ago. After many friendly encounters, I invited her to meet for coffee and a language-study exchange, and she readily accepted. As the evening progressed, it was clear she was having a good time; she laughed a lot and agreed to extend the engagement well beyond the initial arrangement. At one point, I decided to show her my romantic intentions by telling her that she was pretty, that I liked her, and that I wanted to �go out� with her again. She agreed. A few days later, however, she balked and made excuses why she couldn�t meet the following weekend. She is clearly not interested in me romantically.

I have never romantically pursued a woman for a long period of time to the point of winning her over, but I wonder if it�s worth trying, especially in light of the fact that I live, in general, around conservative, sometimes reticent women. I have a male Korean friend who tells me that practically every day for four consecutive months, he asked his current girlfriend to go out with him before she finally said yes. I know I could always look elsewhere, but because I'm finding much resistance to dating within my social circles, I thought that maybe I should be more persistent than I've been. Besides, I am attracted to her and I do like her a lot. So, when is persistent courtship appropriate in Korea? Apart from moving to Seoul (I�m not interested in living in the big city, at least right now), what suggestions or advice would you have?

Ya-ta Boy · Joined: 16 Jan 2003 Location: Established in 1994

There is some Korean proverb thingie that goes on about how many whacks it takes to cut down a tree. The point is that persistence matters. It's often a kind of game here. Trying and trying shows that you are really interested. To give up means that you were not interested.

I think (and this is only my opinion) that the cut-off point is when it turns to stalking...lurking in the shadows outside apartments, calling at 3am in a drunken stupor...that kind of thing.

I'd say, go for it. E-mail/text the lady in question frequently. And talk to your Korean male friend. He has far more insight than anyone here at Dave's. (Unless he's just a thug.)

However, I will mention this. One of my Korean friends says his friend fell in love with a young lady who spurned him. After several months of that nonsense he kidnapped her (yes, really) and hauled her off to some mountain cabin and raped her and kept her locked up for a month or so until she agreed to marry him. They are still married years later and (my friend says) happily so. Keep that option FAR, FAR in the background.

rednblack · Joined: 12 Jun 2006 Location: In a quiet place

Not much help, but a girl I worked with met a nice guy and got engaged. Soon after the old boy friend from 12 months ago started making phone calls again, begging forgiveness and declaring his love, etc. She changed her number and he found it (how, I have no clue). Next thing he starts driving 50 Km every night and waiting for her outside the school. She was was pretty good about it and spent the next couple of months trying to persuade him to let it go. He even contacted her parents and tried to reason with them. Finally, he demanded a meeting with her and hubby to be. The next day she said he spent 2 hours talking and crying in the back of the car. The fiancee said bugger all the whole time. Wise or weak, I'm not sure. Anyway, I guess persistance is acceptable in Korea.

WorldWide · Joined: 28 Apr 2006

anjucat · Joined: 26 Jul 2005

I agree with and second everything that YaTa Boy said (except for the hauling off the the cabin part -- don't do that).

Persistence DOES play a big role in courtship here in Korea, it seems (based on my limited experience). In fact, i rather think it's the norm (again, until it reaches that wierd "stalker" level). Asking persistently seems to be a sign that you really like her.

Ask her out again. And again, if you're really into her and she hasn't declared openly that she's not interested. If she's really that great, then it will all be worth it in the end, regardless of the outcome.

Unless, of course, that outcome involves a cabin in the mountains...

SuperFly · Joined: 09 Jul 2003 Location: In the doghouse

In my case, my wife would beat me regularly untill I agreed on a date. Then she beat the crap out of me till I agreed to get married. I had no choice. The cops won't believe me coz she's so damned hot. No one can imagine a fine hotty beating the shi.t out of you, but believe me, the bruises tell the real story.

I would run away, but where am I gonna go? I'm just a black dog, I don't even have any money. Nobody wants an old dog anymore.

WorldWide · Joined: 28 Apr 2006

RACETRAITOR · Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Location: Seoul, South Korea

I take the opposite approach. There's nothing more pathetic than a desperate dude. Give her some room, and if she likes you she'll make a move. If she doesn't, then she wouldn't have liked you anyway and no amount of pressuring her would help.

WorldWide · Joined: 28 Apr 2006

brento1138 · Joined: 17 Nov 2004

TheFonz · Joined: 01 Dec 2005 Location: North Georgia

Junior · Joined: 18 Nov 2005 Location: the eye

The more you pursue anything, the faster it runs away. Trust me.

Be cool....Like me. Think of everything in life as a magnet. It either repels or attracts.
Be that magnet.

If you chase, it vanishes. If you stop, it stops. If you retreat, it comes after you. Didn't you study physics? Applies to everything in life.

Teufelswacht · Joined: 06 Sep 2004 Location: Land Of The Not Quite Right

I'm not trying to sound like a jerk or anything but I do have a couple of questions/observations.

Junior · Joined: 18 Nov 2005 Location: the eye

Being able to accept rejection is a truly liberating thing.

I believe I finally can. I don't even get jealous anymore. Because I take nothing personally. I feel great. I see everything as an exchange of energy. Some days you have enough, somedays too much. You get rejected when you lack it...primeval energy, the stuff of life. The more energy you put out, the more attractive you are. But don't beat yourself up if it goes wrong. You are merely atoms, particles interacting with another mass.

Junior · Joined: 18 Nov 2005 Location: the eye

A 27 yr old Korean? Haha. Most of them are heavily influenced by the opinion of family and friends. Remember in Korea you need to get the approval of her group before she will accept you.

A 27 yr old is about 20 in western age. You can't expect them to act or think independently. If you want her, impress her parents and friends first. Suxx., but that is Korea.