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Doutdes
Joined: 14 Oct 2005
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 Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 10:56 pm Post subject: Re: Swallowing my pride - how can I win her back? |
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| rocklee wrote: |
| Which was the problem. She spent the whole month thinking if I loved her or not. The fact that I didn't call her, buy her flowers or gifts (but we go out to eat a lot) showed that I didn't. |
You're a flake. You spent a month, amid infrequent emails, wondering if you love her or not? Well, it's pretty obvious, you don't love her. I would doubt that you even liked her much, because you didn't even call her.
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| I screwed up three times. First time was when I didn't call her overseas when she gave me her number (I lost it). Second time was when she wanted to meet in Kangnam and I asked why (I didn't know that it would take her 1 hour to get there and another hour to my place - she came to my place). Thirdly, I still don't have my own phone. I've been using hers but I told her that I will get one. This was all during my transfer hell when I was changing school, hotels and finally ending up at a place resembling mold hole. I still don't have my own phone but I will try and get one today. |
Losing her number is a mistake. Not giving her a call for a month, while periodically emailing each other is pathetic. Would it have been that difficult to ask for her number again? Not visiting her place or meeting in Kangnam isn't a mistake, it's inconsiderate. The first two "mistakes" are symptoms of your flakiness. I'd put money that the third is too.
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| Basically, I didn't show enough commitment to our relationship, which made her hesistant about me and eventually undecided about our relationship. We talked yesterday and I tried to tell her how I felt and that I was sorry. We seem to have this problem about reaching each other, heightened by the fact that I don't have a working phone yet. |
Ummmm no..... You're not supposed to show commitment to the relationship. You're supposed to show commitment to her. If you only care when she's about to leave you, you don't really care for her.
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| Furthermore, she will be moving to a far away place about 2 hours from Seoul. The only chance I will get to see her is on the weekends or public holidays (and vice versa). She thinks that living 2 hours away from each other is not going to help our relationship. |
That would depend if you actually consider travelling to see her, or if she has to now travel 4 hours to see you. Are you willing to travel 4 hours to be with her?
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| I need to make up for the dumb mistakes by proving to her that I'm serious about our relationship. I take these things slowly, to be sure that its on. I believe she wants to try again, but I just need to win her heart in a big way. |
No you need to walk away. You don't love her and it shows. |
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Junior
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Location: the eye
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 12:14 am Post subject: Re: Swallowing my pride - how can I win her back? |
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[quote="Doutdes"]
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| Not giving her a call for a month, while periodically emailing each other is pathetic. |
Actually I think its fairly standrd in the initial, flirtatious, 'getting to knoe you" stages. Calling every day is for people who have already been in a committed relationship for a while.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I bedded one girl on the first date and didn't bother calling for 2 months after. Next time she saw me she had missed me so much she had jumped me within an hour of the next meeting, and a good relationship was born. ( i did call her regularly after the deal had been cemented). But had i pursued her from the word go I think she probably would have run the opposite way.
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| No you need to walk away. You don't love her and it shows. |
I'll agree with that. Sometimes you only get feelings for someone when they're gone but don't care too much when you have them. Its a trick of the mind and ultimately you realise you just weren't into them enough for it to work in the long run.
of course the one you really want and call everyday, you never get anyhow....haha.
So..what exotic land is this lush from rocklee? And....er... whats her number? |
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kermo
Joined: 01 Sep 2004
Location: Eating eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 12:37 am Post subject: Re: Swallowing my pride - how can I win her back? |
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| Junior wrote: |
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I bedded one girl on the first date and didn't bother calling for 2 months after. Next time she saw me she had missed me so much she had jumped me within an hour of the next meeting, and a good relationship was born. ( i did call her regularly after the deal had been cemented). But had i pursued her from the word go I think she probably would have run the opposite way.
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This is very very weird. If there's any kind of action between myself and someone, and neither of us follows up on it within a week or so, I consider the matter closed. If I saw that fellow again, I'm not sure I'd even say hello, much less jump his indifferent bones.
Rocklee, I'm sorry I can't be of much help. I think everyone needs different levels of reassurance, and this might not be a vicious test like so many on this thread have assumed. If she's a little more insecure than you expected, or she's used to more attention, it might be quite uncomfortable for her to be looking for certain signs, and not get them.
I'm not sure what you can do at this stage, except to be honest with yourself about how you feel and why, and keep up lines of communication with the girl. Good luck. |
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Junior
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Location: the eye
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 12:49 am Post subject: |
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Funny thing is Kermo, you women say one thing but actually do another.
Exercise for you. imagine you are Rocklees object of desire. He has called 3 times since yesterday, but you have not answered. Today you find this email:
"Dearest Kermo,
I called but I guess you didn't hear it ring. Don't worry I forgive you.
Firstly, let me just say how completely and utterly sorry I am for not calling you more often. I have no excuses, you are right, I am wrong, and I prostrate my miserable apology for a man at your delicous feet. If you please reconsider, I will promise to make it up to you. Anything you want. I'll do anything to show you that you are the one. I love you!! Please answer!
If you don't i'll email again anyway. because this is the man for you right here. And I'm not going to give up, ever. Even though we only met a few times, I just know.
Truley yours~~XXXXXX
Are you feeling hot and turned on yet? |
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MorgolKing
Joined: 18 May 2006
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 12:51 am Post subject: Re: Swallowing my pride - how can I win her back? |
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| kermo wrote: |
keep up lines of communication with the girl. Good luck. |
I'm sorry I really disagree with this. She knows you called--it's time for you to cut line and sinker. She may get back with you, she may not. Either way there's nothing left for you to do. Any action you make in her direction I think lessens your chances if there are any at this point.
Junior--I'm really confounded by that phenomenon. I met a girl about a month ago that I thought was very attractive. But on the first date I felt so sure that I had her and so secure that I lost all desire to pursue her. Then later when I started brushing her off she started to get cold too. That's when I wanted to start chasing her again  So right now she's playing it cool and I want to see if we can start dating again. I sent her a message last week and she didn't respond so I haven't done anything else and won't until she gets back with me...if she does at all. We'll have to see. My friend's wife intentionally ignored him at the beginning of their relationship and when he decided to forget about her she came running after him. I really think that half the time the girl has no interest and half the time she's trying to "test" the poor guy to see how far she can push him before the relationship is strongly established. |
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Junior
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Location: the eye
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:02 am Post subject: Re: Swallowing my pride - how can I win her back? |
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| MorgolKing wrote: |
| So right now she's playing it cool and I want to see if we can start dating again. |
Thats the spanner that fu**s it up here too. K-Women are culturally programmed from birth to believe men have to forcefully and persistently pursue them, and not take no for an answer. Thus, they won't make any moves, even if they want to. Thus...you have to do the chasing...putting all power in her lap. You have to do everything and she just says yes, or no, whenever she wants.
Unless you have a hooker or one that grew up in the west...she will be demure and very subtle about showing her feelings. You take all the risks, she just sits back. |
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kermo
Joined: 01 Sep 2004
Location: Eating eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:04 am Post subject: |
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| Junior wrote: |
Funny thing is Kermo, you women say one thing but actually do another.
Exercise for you. imagine you are Rocklees object of desire. He has called 3 times since yesterday, but you have not answered. Today you find this email:
"Dearest Kermo,
I called but I guess you didn't hear it ring. Don't worry I forgive you.
Firstly, let me just say how completely and utterly sorry I am for not calling you more often. I have no excuses, you are right, I am wrong, and I prostrate my miserable apology for a man at your delicous feet. If you please reconsider, I will promise to make it up to you. Anything you want. I'll do anything to show you that you are the one. I love you!! Please answer!
If you don't i'll email again anyway. because this is the man for you right here. And I'm not going to give up, ever. Even though we only met a few times, I just know.
Truley yours~~XXXXXX
Are you feeling hot and turned on yet? |
One day of unreturned calls does not a stone-wall make. Anyway, I don't know about her nationality, but some ladies would find the aforementioned letter very touching.
I dunno, Junior, I'm a little disturbed by your posts on the subject of women. You generalize a great deal, when in fact we're all a little different. Sometimes a lot different. Your categories for women don't even begin to acknowledge the range of attitudes and situations that characterize male/female interaction. I know I'm not going to change your mind about females, particularly not by using words like 'misogyny.' Maybe you're an equal opportunity misanthropist, and you'd be just as likely to stereotype men. I'm just saying I can't get behind your generalizations about 'us women.' |
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Junior
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Location: the eye
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:23 am Post subject: |
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| kermo wrote: |
One day of unreturned calls does not a stone-wall make. |
 What!!???
Hahahaha... Isn't that so female? What would you call it then? A warm front? What man with self-respect would call back a woman who was obviously deliberately avoiding him?
A Korean, yes, because they ignore all signs and persist until the cornered rabbit is overpowered and surrenders. But not a westerner. One or most 2 unanswered calls is enough. She knows you called but didn't call back? forget her.
Exercise 2 then. You are interested in guy. You call him. No answer. Even though you know he knows you called (his cell rang and "missed call" is on his phone), you call again just incase there was some technical hitch or whatever. No answer.
You call 3 times that day, and again the next day.
But, you just think to yourself: "Its fine. 1 day of unreturned calls does not a stonewall make."
Likely??
No. Being a woman, 1 ignored call throws you into an incosolable fury and you decide there and then to teach him a lesson. You promise never to call or answer his calls again. That'll show him. And when he comes running back ( as men do, because they need us women for sex, poor things), I'll be the one to slam the door and my precious ego will be restored." The only possible way he could get back is to beg and plead, at which point he'll look so pathetic and dumb that I won't be interested anymore anyway. |
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kermo
Joined: 01 Sep 2004
Location: Eating eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:47 am Post subject: |
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| Junior wrote: |
| kermo wrote: |
One day of unreturned calls does not a stone-wall make. |
What!!???
Hahahaha... Isn't that so female? What would you call it then? A warm front? What man with self-respect would call back a woman who was obviously deliberately avoiding him?
A Korean, yes, because they ignore all signs and persist until the cornered rabbit is overpowered and surrenders. But not a westerner. One or most 2 unanswered calls is enough. She knows you called but didn't call back? forget her.
Exercise 2 then. You are interested in guy. You call him. No answer. Even though you know he knows you called (his cell rang and "missed call" is on his phone), you call again just incase there was some technical hitch or whatever. No answer.
You call 3 times that day, and again the next day.
But, you just think to yourself: "Its fine. 1 day of unreturned calls does not a stonewall make."
Likely??
No. Being a woman, 1 ignored call throws you into an incosolable fury and you decide there and then to teach him a lesson. You promise never to call or answer his calls again. That'll show him. And when he comes running back ( as men do, because they need us women for sex, poor things), I'll be the one to slam the door and my precious ego will be restored." The only possible way he could get back is to beg and plead, at which point he'll look so pathetic and dumb that I won't be interested anymore anyway. |
So long as you are saying things like "Being a woman...." I don't think we can have a conversation. |
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Junior
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Location: the eye
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:53 am Post subject: |
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| kermo wrote: |
So long as you are saying things like "Being a woman...." I don't think we can have a conversation. |
hahahaha! |
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LateBloomer
Joined: 06 May 2006
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 3:04 am Post subject: |
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Junior, you really are a "one-trick pony". The way you started out on this thread is just another variation on your favorite theme--"Korea sucks." In this case, the tune was "all Korean women are". When you embarrassed yourself on that one.... now it's "all women are". I hope I never get jaded enough to think that you're typical of all men. (By the way, your previous avatar suited you much better.)
You and a couple of others who posted on this thread obviously view relationships as a "competition" and an exercise in "one-upmanship". Those with that kind of attitude are doomed to never have a rewarding relationship.
Rocklee, I wasn't there for all the twists and turns....but based on what you've said, you should give it your "best shot" to let her know how you feel. Sometimes when emotions are running high, responding to a phone call is too emotionally charged and a lack of a response could mean different things because despite what Junior and those of his "ilk" think.....all women are not the same.
You also said she was preparing for exams this week. Maybe she doesn't think she can handle both her exams and the emotional turmoil.
A well-worded email might be better at this point. Then the ball is in her court. I don't advocate being a "door mat." |
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rocklee
Joined: 04 Oct 2005
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 6:01 am Post subject: |
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Thanks guys.
Some of you bashed me, but its a wake up call and I should have tried harder. It wasn't that I didn't show enough love to her, it was because I was taking it slowly because I don't rush these things (so Doutdes thanks, it was a wake up call). I did like her a lot from the start, but I was changing job and she was travelling a bit so it was hard to define our relationship. I made too many mistakes based on ignorance.
I didn't realise that she wanted me to call her overseas when e-mailing and MSN would do. I'm not a cheap bastard and the phone thing is because I had to wait 3 months to get a contracted phone and the one I want cost a bomb. I guess I'm too "practical" to be a "romantic".
I got an e-mail from her and she says that given our situation and how we're living so far away, she just wants to be friends. I called her today and said that I want to try again and that I will come and visit her whenever I can. She seemed touched when I told her that I won't give up. I think she's worried that we won't be able to spend a lot of time together, and I screwed up.
Poker player, I'm just not that kind of guy but thanks anyway. |
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kingplaya4
Joined: 14 May 2006
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 6:31 am Post subject: |
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In the end your pride doesn't matter, and what others think even less so. Sometimes you have to pull out all the stops, although at least in the West you need to know when you are crossing the line into stalker territory.
I think very few guys just cut a girl they're really interested loose just because she didn't return their phone calls for a day, unless they're players and just looking for the next fish anyway.
Sounds like things are looking up for the two of you.
Good luck to you and try not to repeat your mistakes this time around. |
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Mashimaro
Joined: 31 Jan 2003
Location: location, location
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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| rocklee wrote: |
| She seemed touched when I told her that I won't give up. |
give up.. plenty more korean princesses in the sea |
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Junior
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Location: the eye
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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| Congratulations. Your relationship is over, you are now officially her "friend". |
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