Korean Job Discussion Forums

[dharma bum]

well, i'm at a bit of a turning point in my life, to put it lightly. although i like to live an independent existence and have a certain amount of freedom in my life, i've entered into a fairly deep relationship with someone over the last year and a half.

now, while i love her greatly, feel i can talk to her about anything and everything, and can imagine years of comfortable cohabitation with this person, when i think about getting married, i am not enthralled by the life i imagine. i like the idea of spending my life with someone i love and having a special connection with another human being, but at the same time, i don't think our connection's perfect (even though i'm closer to her than i think i ever will be to anyone else) and i continue to have feelings of wanting to roam around and live my life free and alone (have a lot of experiences and "do my own thang," if you will).

with that said, i am also plagued by the fear of losing the only person i've ever loved (not counting family), which will almost certainly happen if i say i don't want to get married- especially as (very tentative) wedding talks/plans are already in the works. basically, i have a case of the pre-pre-wedding jitters and am attracted to the idea of being on my own in life again. at the same time, i worry that, if i give in to these "jitters," i will be condemning myself to an endless string of meaningless dating and pointless relationships (which is what i had before this relationship) and that sooner or later i will realize that living independently is a bottomless pit of loneliness and wish i had married the one person i connected with when i could. (i'm not saying this is true about being single forever - it's just a deep fear i have...)

now, i know all of the typical advice concerning this situation - don't marry if you don't feel its 100% right, don't marry someone you can live with; marry someone you can't live without, it's not fair to marry her if you're not sure (which is true enough!), etc. - but what i'm truly looking for is anecdotal evidence here, especially from the more senior members of the board who have lived through a number of relationships and reached an age where they might have a better perspective on what it's like to live life both with someone and alone.

so...
firstly, for those of you who have walked away from a relationship with someone you love(d) to pursue something or to satisfy a need for independence and to roam, have you regretted it and are you happy with your decision to live single rather than tie the knot?

and then, for those of you who have had that loner's urge to do this but married the person you love(d) anyway, how did it turn out? were you happy? unhappy? did the urge to roam eventually overwhelm you to the point of giving up on the relationship later on or did that urge just disappear only to be replaced by a sense of contentment (maybe i'm dreaming with that one?)?

i'd really appreciate any advice people can offer about this. i know we have a wide variety of people who have come from all walks of life on this board, so i'm looking forward to the stories to be honest - while also, of course, hoping that they will help me work through this decision in my life.

side note: i have tried to talk to my significant other about this before anyone talks about my not talking to her about it even though i say we can talk about anything.

[tacon101]

do you have to get married?

if you're thinking of other women or think you'd cheat on her, don't marry her doofus

if you're just worried it won't last forever but you think it'll last a really long time then only marry her if you think you won't get divorced until your kids are grown up

there's no sense in wasting money on a marriage that you think will fizzle out. just be companions for a while

[the_beaver]

A fear of commitment is not irrational.

[Draz]

[yawarakaijin]

I think I understand where you are coming from. In my mid 20's I couldn't wait to get married. If any of my relationships at that time had progessed to that point I wouldn't have had a second thought.

Now in my mid 30's things are really starting to look differently. I have a job I love, a salary that keeps me more than happy and still quite a few adventures I haven't embarked on yet. Every year since I hit 30 and continue to run into those dammed birthdays every once in a while my desire to marry has fallen proportionately. While I am not dating anyone seriously at the moment I have to say that getting married would be an incredibly tough call at the moment.

When I'm single, I'm often wishing I had that someone special but once I meet that person I have to admit that it doesn't take long to start feeling penned in. Suddenly I can no longer spend my time the way I like, I can't spend my money the way I like, I can't take a vacation where I like. It's quite frustrating if I am to be honest.

Perhaps I haven't met that woman who makes me want to sacrifice everything in my life for her. Perhaps I haven't met that woman who is comfortable enough to let me be myself and yet still maintain a relationship. It's a tough call really.

I do have to say this though. The majority of Asian women I have neared that point with tended to have a very rigid idea of what married life is supposed to be. Primarily being me working my ass off and giving her my entire paycheque so she can run things at home. Gotta say it doesn't quite do it for me.

My advice man, play it safe. I believe accepting your doom to remain single is far more honorable than possibly bringing a child into this world that you are unwilling or unable to devote 100% of your energy to.

[Cheonmunka]

How old are you?

[Rae]

[Easter Clark]

No relationship is perfect. The question is, can the two of you live with those imperfections?

[KirbyMagnus]

Make a choice:

1) Marry a girl when you are at or around the peak of your attractiveness. A man is only as loyal as his options, be certain that the woman you are with is the best you can get.

2) Wait till after you peak has passed and settle for the best you can get.

The difference being is that in 1 you are the one taking the initiative and not hoping a woman takes pity on you. That said if you choose 1... how can you be certain a better woman isn't going to come along?

[tacon101]

[Panda]

my friend's parents has been together for 30 years, but they never got married.

Another my friend got married this summer and a big D one month later.

The marriage certificate is nothing but a piece of paper.

[dharma bum]

good responses so far. thanks to everyone who's posted.

for magnus kirby, i don't feel that i want to just be with the person who is the best i can get. in fact, although i think the person i'm with now is the best i will find, i'm just not sure that i want to live my life with anyone now or, though it's intimidating for me to think about, in the future. maybe that's selfish, i don't know...

for draz, i'd be interested in what your ex thinks - though i guess it would be hard for him to regret his decision if you're still around and willing to take him back.

for yawarakaijin, at this point in your life, do you still have the feeling of wanting to be with someone special that you mentioned? (i have that feeling too - along with the feelings of being penned in.) if so, are you content with the idea of remaining relatively single in the long term?

also, to answer/address a few other questions or comments. i'm in my mid- to late twenties and have no desire to have kids (which is something my S.O., at least at the moment, has little or no problem with).

thanks again for all the responses, and please keep the stories and comments coming. (feel free to post friends' stories as well!)

[Cornfed]

If your bride to be is a Westernized woman, I'd run a mile. But, you say, your girl is special and not like the rest. The thing is that Western women really have no character to speak of - not even any bad character. Hence they are quite capable of seeming nice for months or years when it suits their interests. Then when circumstances change they'll suddenly turn on you, drive you to bankruptcy, jail and suicide, and think nothing more of it than putting a dollar in a coke machine. Besides, women have been seducing good men to ruin for millenia. You'd be foolhardy to pit your own intuition against their generations of collective experience.

[misschel]

I've been wondering about the same idea. Although I'm still young and a successful career is the number one priority to me right now, sometimes I wonder if I met the "right" person who/what would come first?
I don't think everyone is meant to be tamed and settle down into the typical family unit. Some people are travellers, loners, adventurers, who like to be on their own. We don't need to find the right person to settle down with, just someone who's just as wild to run with.

Regardless, I really do believe that the grass always appears to be greener. No matter which choice you make, whether to get married or stay single, you'll always look back and wonder if you made the right decision. It's not always about what's in your heart, but what is logically and realistically the right choice as well.

[Draz]