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zephyrblows · Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 15 Location: taiwan

Sorry to post such a long long problem, but I really need help.
Recently I've been working on my writing skills, only to see my scores getting lower and lower Crying or Very sad

This is my latest composition in a test:
(There are 4 pictures on the sheet:
1. A man is walking on the street. Another man is dishing out flyers.
2. On the flyer are 2 donuts.
3. The man is waiting in a long line in front of the donut shop.
4. It's finally the man's turn, but all the donuts are sold out.)
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Yesterday afternoon when I was walking down the street, a crowd of people captured my attention. Out of curiousity I walked forward to see what's happening, and then I found people were surrounding a young man, who was handing out flyers. On the flyers were pictures of some donuts-- hot, crispy, and coated with tastefully thick layers of chocolate and jam. It was an advertisement of a newly-opened donut store(it should be shop) around the corner. And, as if not allowing me to resist the lure, the store was having a buy-one-get-one-free promotion.

"Well, what am I waiting for?" I rushed to the store, but the waiting line was depressingly long. "Patience is bitter, but the fruit is sweet," I told myself. Ten minutes had past; I chewed my tongue. Thirty minutes had past; I heard my stomach complaining to me restlessly. Now an hour had past. I found myself not able to wait any one more minute, but the only customer before me was about to leave. All the waiting seemed to pay, and I walked up to the clerk--

"Sorry, sir, but we've sold out all the donuts. Please do come earlier tomorrow."

Oh, Lord. What had I been waiting for?
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I thought I could finally get a higher score, but what I received was a career low: 12 out of 20 (I used to get 14-16). My teacher said I made a "fatal mistake," but she said I had to find it out by myself.
That's why I need help. ANYONE with ANY OPINION please?? Crying or Very sad

Thanks a lot!!!

asterix · Joined: 26 Jan 2003 Posts: 1654

Yesterday afternoon when I was walking down the street, a crowd of people captured my attention. Out of curiosity I walked forward to see what was happening, and found people were surrounding a young man who was handing out flyers. On the flyers were pictures of some donuts-- hot, crispy, and coated with tasty, thick layers of chocolate and jam. It was an advertisement for a newly-opened donut store(it should be shop) around the corner that was having a buy-one-get-one-free promotion I found hard to resist.

"Well, what am I waiting for?" I thought, as I rushed to the store. The lineup (Or queue UK English) was depressingly long. "Patience is bitter, but the fruit is sweet," I told myself. Ten minutes passed; I chewed my tongue. Thirty minutes passed; I heard my stomach complaining to me restlessly. Now an hour had passed. I found myself not able to wait one more minute, (or any more, but not any one more minute) but the only customer before (in front of)me was about to leave. All the waiting seemed about to pay off, as I walked up to the clerk--

"Sorry, Sir, but we've sold out all the donuts. Please do come earlier tomorrow."

Oh, Lord. What had I been waiting for?
I think store is acceptable in North America.
I suspect your costlyerror was to use past as the past tense of the verb to pass. Although they sound the same when spoken, they are not.
Past is an adjective, adverb, preposition and noun.
Passed is the past tense you needed.
Nevertheless, your English is of a high standard and I wish you well with your future writing.

zephyrblows · Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 15 Location: taiwan

Thank you very much, Asterix!! Even my teacher didn't find so many mistakes! Embarassed

However, I think what my teacher meant was not a grammatical mistake, but a structural one, or the way I do narrations.
Uh, do I need a topic sentence or something? I thought it wasn't academic writing so I didn't care about that...

asterix · Joined: 26 Jan 2003 Posts: 1654

Not every change I've made is because of a mistake.

Please don't take any of this as criticism. It is not. Your English is very good.

You were doing creative writing based on the pictures, so I would say your approach to it was fine.

zephyrblows · Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 15 Location: taiwan

asterix · Joined: 26 Jan 2003 Posts: 1654

You're welcome Zephyr.