Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[stream]

Are there any inconsistensies in these lines?

* * *

Fire desired, fire ineffable
Burns in my heart;
Images lofty of beauty celestial
Start their march.

Thoughts of the earthly and thoughts of the heavenly
Go away;
Light all-pervading, mighty, imperious
Darkens the day!

Sweetness unutterable, nearly tangible
Pours from above;
Heart overwhelmEd, things all around
Float in Love.

Longing for utterance, longing to share
Surges in vain:
Lips of the human � faulty and trembling �
Finally fail �

Thanks

[lotus]

Hi Stream,

A very nice poem! Beautiful images. As always, poetry is purely subjective. We normally do not use periods in poetry. Here's how I would edit it:

Untitled
Stream

Fire desired, fire (unseen, unspoken, unrequited)
Burns in my heart;
Images (float, beam) of beauty celestial
Start their march

Thoughts of the Earthly and thoughts of the Heavenly
(Drift, Fade) away;
Light all-pervading, mighty, imperious
Darkens the day!

Sweetness unutterable, nearly tangible
Pours from above;
Heart overwhelmed, (all things) around
Float in Love

Longing for utterance, longing to share
(Shudders, Ponders) in vain;
Lips of the human � faulty and trembling
Finally fail�




--lotus
_________________
War does not make one great --Yoda

[stream]

Hello Lotus,

Thanks a lot for the comment and suggestions.
I will study them carefully.

stream

[lotus]

Hi Stream,

You're welcome.

Hope you get a response from About.com. Let us know what they say, or what others may say.

http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?folderId=6&listMode=13&nav=messages&webtag=ab-poetry

Literary criticism is an important part of creative writing.


--lotus
_________________
War does not make one great --Yoda