Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[ClarissaMach]

Could you please correct this composition?

Theme: Should we do more to deal with the problem of domestic violence, or is the problem exaggerated?


Whereas many people see in a favorable light the initiatives aimed at fighting domestic violence, some argue the problem is exaggerated. The point of view of the latter might have its share of reason if one has in mind the living conditions of developed nations, where women have a strong history of fight for their rights which paved the way for their empowerment along the last centuries. But unfortunately, this is not the case in the majority of the nations in the developing and underdeveloped countries.

Let us consider the Brazilian case. The country is one of the first nations of the world to elect a woman president (the nation most powerful role in politics); nonetheless, recent researches carried out by independent institutions have showed that women earn on average 28% less than men, even though they have better education and literacy rates. They also face higher levels of unemployment.

These figures are directly connected to the issue of domestic violence, since many women are victims of it due to their economic dependence of their aggressive partners. It makes it clear why initiatives towards empowering women and fighting domestic violence still hold strong significance in Brazil.

The most important law ascribed to this issue in the country was Federal Law 11340, better known as Maria da Penha Law. Sanctioned in 2006, it introduced changes in the way those who practice domestic violence towards women are punished, turning the sentences more severe.

The name of the law was a tribute to Maria da Penha, a woman whose husband tried to kill her twice � in his last attempt, he shot her in the back while she was sleeping, causing her to become a paraplegic. She is now a great fighter for human rights and the law is one of the most known in the country, and maybe one of the most effective � like I heard a hobo once say, �thanks to this lady Penha women are much more cheeky�.

A bill that is currently under debate seeks to guarantee financial assistance for women victimized by domestic violence when they are economic dependent from their aggressors, helping them to get out of the destructive relationships. The idea is that they receive financial assistance for one year, together with education opportunities that help them to find good jobs.

One day the necessity of this kind of laws may simply vanish, and one will be able to reasonably ask why they still exist. It was so, for example, with the law sanctioned in the second half of the 19th century that guaranteed life-lasting financial assistance for widows and bachelor daughters of combatants who died in the war between Brazil and Paraguay. By that time, a woman in this condition had no chance to have a decent living but marrying; the 20th century changed this picture, giving women the possibility of setting foot in the labor market.

But this is only a hope for a while. The gender issue still exists, the domestic violence is still a threat (according to International Amnesty, 70% of the assassinated women were killed by a man with whom they were affectively involved), and something has to be done to address it.
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Stormy Weather.

[pugachevV]

Could you please correct this composition?�

Theme: Should we do more to deal with the problem of domestic violence, or is the problem exaggerated?�


Whereas many people see in a favorable light the initiatives aimed at fighting domestic violence, some argue the problem is exaggerated. The point of view of the latter might have its share of reason if one has in mind the living conditions of developed nations, where women have a strong history of fighting for their rights which paved the way for their empowerment throughout the last centuries. But unfortunately, this is not the case in the majority of developing and underdeveloped countries.�

Let us consider the Brazilian case.[** the case of Brazil] The country is one of the first nations of the world to elect a woman president (the most powerful role in national politics); nonetheless, recent research carried out by independent institutions has showed that women earn on average 28% less than men, even though they have better education and literacy rates. They also face higher levels of unemployment.�

These figures are directly connected to the issue of domestic violence, since many women are victims of it due to their economic dependence on[** we say, �depend 'on'�] their aggressive partners. This makes it clear why initiatives towards empowering women and fighting domestic violence still hold strong significance in Brazil.�

The most important law ascribed to this issue in the country was Federal Law 11340, better known as Maria da Penha Law. Sanctioned in 2006, it introduced changes in the way those who practice domestic violence towards women are punished, making the sentences more severe.�

The name of the law was a tribute to Maria da Penha, a woman whose husband tried to kill her twice � in his last attempt, he shot her in the back while she was sleeping, causing her to become a paraplegic. She is now a great fighter for human rights and the law is one of the best-known in the country, and maybe one of the most effective � as I heard a hobo once say, �thanks to this lady Penha women are much more cheeky�.�

A bill that is currently under debate seeks to guarantee financial assistance for women victimized by domestic violence when they are economically dependent on their aggressors, helping them to get out of the destructive relationship. The idea is that they receive financial assistance for one year, together with education opportunities that help them to find good jobs.�

One day the necessity of this kind of law may simply vanish, and one will be able to reasonably ask why they still exist. It was so, for example, with the law sanctioned in the second half of the 19th century that guaranteed lifelong financial assistance for widows and bachelor [**unmarried� is how we usually say it] daughters of combatants who died in the war between Brazil and Paraguay. At that time, a woman in this condition [**these circumstances ] had no chance to have a decent living except by remarrying; the 20th century changed this picture, giving women the possibility of setting foot in [**or entering] the labor market.�

But this is only a hope for a while. The gender issue still exists, domestic violence is still a threat (according to Amnesty International, [** that's what they call themselves in English] 70% of the murdered [**we use assassinate usually when a religious or political leader is murdered] women were killed by a man with whom they were effectively involved), and something has to be done to address it.







Nice work Clarissa, There are few mistakes. The green font is used to suggest changes that sound a little more natural to me.

[ClarissaMach]

Thanks a lot, Pugachev. Correcting such long texts certainly requires patience!
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Stormy Weather.

[pugachevV]

De nada.