Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[pugachevV]

A Chinese friend of mine is getting married in China.
Is it a tradition in China to send a present?
Because it is easy to send, can I send money without offending her?
I would appreciate any advice.
Thanks.

[Harmony]

Hi Pugachev,

I asked a friend your question. Here's her reply:

[pugachevV]

Thanks for the information, Harmony. I really appreciate it.

[Harmony]

You're welcome. I enjoyed learning about Chinese weddings.

[sentient]

Dear pugachevV and Harmony,

Chinese weddings are magnificent events. It's not as much a wedding as it is a feast. If you were able to attend, they would probably have invited you to the banquet. The "wedding" ceremony itself is actually performed in the groom's house. The entire process is extremely delicate, funny and beautiful in its own way. The wedding day begins in the morning, when the groom begs for the hand of the bride.

The groom, along with some of his friends, goes to the bride's house and asks to enter her house (usually her parent's house). The bride's maidens refuse to let him in. He asks what he must do to enter (the bride never sees the groom until an agreement is settled). The maidens then convey the message to the bride and the bride proceeds to ask for the things she wants. And there are no negotiations with this! This is probably the only time when the bride will get exactly what she wants. She usually asks for something which shows his love for her. If she asks for flowers, the groom's friends must get them immediately. If she asks him to sing, he must do so until she's happy with the song. If she asks him to do 20 push-ups, he must do them completely (I've seen this). The essential part of all of this is that he must show his sincere love for her in doing everything she asks. When she's finished toying with him, she asks for the real thing -- money. This part is slightly negotiable, since it's probably Sunday and the banks are closed! What she negotiates will be part of her dowry. Don't worry, she gets more! The monetary sum is serious negotiations (often, it's been decided by the families prior to). However, that doesn't prevent any adjustments before the groom is let in!

After the groom gives the red envelope to the maidens, he is allowed in. Once inside, the bride and groom pay respect to the bride's parents in a tea ceremony. This is a very elegant and solemn ceremony done with the utmost respect. It is here where the hand of the bride is given to the groom. After the ceremony, there is usually a small feast (buffet) with these minimum items: a roast pig, chicken and fish. These foods symbolize the wealth and prosperity of the family.

After the buffet, the bride and groom (with their entourage) go separately to the groom's house. The bride's parents do not follow. The groom must enter first and be in the house when the bride is received. This is the happiest part of the day for the immediate family and is the consummation of the marriage. It is here where a brief marriage ceremony is performed.

When the bride arrives, she is received with great joy. Again, there is a traditional tea ceremony with the parents. This time it is not as solemn, although still very respectful. It is here where the bride gets the rest of her dowry. The groom's parents (and other relatives such as aunts and uncles) lavish the bride with gifts. These are the things she will keep forever. Regardless of what happens, these things belong to her. She usually gets assorted gold and jade jewelry and more red envelopes. The amount she gets depends on the wealth of the family. Usually it�s in the tens of thousands of dollars worth. This is indeed the happiest day of her life!

The bride and groom now proceed to the wedding ceremony. It is a very brief ceremony. The bride and groom pays respect to the ancestors of the groom's family at an alter (a special small alcove with incense and food offering and a picture of the grandparents). After bowing and offering to the ancestors, the bride and groom share a special symbolic cup of tea and bow to each other. They are now husband and wife.

There is usually no buffet at the groom's house because they will be going to the banquet! There may be some dim sum to tie them over.

The banquet will indeed be magnificent. In fact, it is here where the groom's family will have spent most of their money. It can cost anywhere from $300 to $1,000 per table of ten. It is here where the real public acknowledgement of the marriage begins, and where friends and family celebrate the couple's happy union.

Since you may not be attending the banquet, here is a taste of what would happen at the banquet:

When you (and your guest) arrive, you will be asked to sign a red table-cloth. It is here where you offer you gift. You will then be greeted by a receiving line - usually consisting of the bride and groom and their parents and close relatives. There's usually a long wait between your arrival and the actual eating time. So, they usually have soft drinks and some snacks (peanuts, seeds, etc.) available at the guest's tables. 7-up and apple cider is very popular.

There will be eight main dishes; no more, no less. The word "eight" is phonetically similar to the word "prosper." You may get an additional appetizer dish consisting of cold meat and jellyfish. This is very popular now. At the banquet, you will notice a large symmetrical character hanging on the wall. It means "double happiness." You will also notice that almost everything is in red, a lucky color. There will probably be a prominent picture of a Dragon and Phoenix together somewhere in the restaurant. They symbolize the balance and strength of the symbiotic male-female relationship, the yin-yang if you will. You'll notice a 7-up bottle on your table. The word 7-up translated means "seven happiness." You will also notice a bottle of wine or liquor on your table. The word for attending a banquet is literally translated as "drink liquor."

The eight dishes each have their own meaning in addition to being delicious! They vary with each banquet, but here are some common dishes which you might see:

Shark fin soup - very expensive and very delicious; said to be "bo", meaning it's very healing and healthy for your body.

Duck, chicken and crab (or lobster) - all are served in its entirety, head and all. A Chinese proverb says "have head have tail." It means being complete. The word "chicken" has the same phonetic sound as "life." Another saying says "ho sai gai", meaning good life. "Gai" is the word for chicken. The word for lobster has the word dragon in it.

Fish - always a symbol for abundance.

Strangely, you will probably not get rice. Eating only meat and vegetables to fullness is considered a rare treat.

Dessert is usually a sweet bean soup, either green or red (possibly with tapioca).

While you're eating all that delicious food, the bride and groom are actually very busy! They don't actually get to eat very much. She changes her dress at least twice and they have to cut the cake and toast every table! While the photographer is taking pictures, their friends may be arranging some games for them to play. One good game is for them to try to move an egg from their neck area to the top of their feet without hands (just like penguins)!

It's all in good fun, and usually the guests cajole the couple to kiss several times in the evening by tapping their chopsticks on their dishes. Often the couple just pecks, so the crowd taps harder to try to get them to show more affection!

At the end, the cake is cut (with photographer at hand) and dessert is served.

Before you leave, you are usually given a small memento for the occasion - usually a cute trinket with the name of the bride and groom on it. Then, you are thanked by the bride and groom's family in an exit line before you leave (the bride and groom are usually in line too).

The site you've referred to gave some good hints on gifts. Money is always a winner. They will not be offended. It is a Chinese traditional to give money as a practical gift so that the couple will not have to return gifts. Unless you know them extremely well, money is the best gift. Give the money in a red envelope (preferably one with a picture of a phoenix and dragon on it, or with the Chinese character "fook" which means luck). An amount which has the numbers eight or nine would be lucky. Eight means prosperity, and nine means longevity. The number 7 is considered the most unlucky (just the opposite of American culture). Even numbers are considered lucky (except 4) because they are well-rounded.

Do not give any amount with the number 4. It has the same phonetic sound as death. If you choose to give a gift, do not give knives or clocks. They are considered bad luck. Do not wear white to the banquet, it is reserved for funerals. Other than that, give what your heart desires! Usually guests give an amount equal to or more than the value of the dining seats.

Sometimes there is a mix of Chinese and other cultural traditions in a wedding. There might be a church wedding and pictures taken in a nice location prior to the banquet.

The ancient Chinese traditional wedding is a very complex ritual. One which involves wearing a veil, being carried by servants, moving new furniture to the groom's house and being carried by the groom! Much of that is gone now (here in the U.S. anyway). But, the spirit of the tradition is still strong.

I'm sure your friend will have a wonderful wedding. It will be the happiest day of her life (although she may not remember much of it). The bride and groom are usually in a daze throughout the wedding day. The fun begins thereafter, for the rest of their lives.


--Sentient

[Harmony]

Hello Sentient,

It's so nice to see you again!

Thank you for taking the time to provide such a detailed and well-written account of a Chinese wedding.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts so please don't be a stranger.

Harmony

[cashunec2005]

From ancient times to nowadays, Chinese' wedding has changed. At ancient times, Chinese women' marrage right is decide their parents, they nearly did not know the men that they married.When the day they married, they wearing red clothes, it symbolize happiness. But now, people like wearing west clothes, they think foreigners thing are all well, But there are many people like wearing ancient clothes, because they want to feeling the air. To sum up, both of the twe ways are very popular in China.
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