Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[billycorgan]

Hello everyone..
I would like to know if this sentence is grammatical corrected and if it's written in a formal language

"During my university years I�ve been able to... ...while holding down part-time jobs and taking part to other activities such as playing in a band and doing sport; this demonstrates my energy and my commitment."

thanks for your opinions! If you can give me advises I would be very thankful!

[CP]

First, if you want it to be formal, avoid all contractions: turn I've into I have, etc.

Second, it is properly written, but it will be a very long sentence once you fill in the omitted material. Make it easy on your reader. Give the punch line first, then the details.

My university years prove my energy and commitment. While at university, I have been able to . . . . At the same time, I was a full-time member of the marching band, playing lead trombone. I also played on several club teams -- basketball, tennis -- and was on the swim team two years, specializing in the 200-meter butterfly. All the while, I maintained a 4.0 GPA and made the dean's list every semester.
_________________
You live a new life for every new language you speak. -Czech proverb