Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[Smee]

Dear friends,
I'm going to take part in a contest which consists in a composition of 250 words. If I won I would be given a scholarship for next level in the institution where I'm taking courses. I won once when I was in 9th level but now I'm in 11th (the course is intended for 14 levels) and I'm afraid they expect much more from me. As I'm allowed to turn to any teacher I wonder if you mind correcting my work or just giving me your opinion. It is no so long and the topic is the 20th anniversary of continuous democracy in my country.
This is the work:

The Democracy We May Have.

Many Argentines were given birth to democracy in 1983. It was that greatest time when all of us were certain democracy would bring food, health and work, like a treble manna granted to our country by some kind of domestic God.

After 20 years we have left behind that naiveness and have just started wondering why our democracy must be looked after so that it renders what it was intended to yield.

We have learnt that democracy can take different forms which depends on peoples’ customs, geography and history, and, some of its features may change with the rising of new ideas, technological developments and coalitions between countries.

Therefore, we have a particular democracy which mirrors in some way what we really are. It speaks about our values as well as our shortcomings and seems to show that 20 years haven’t been enough for our reaching democratic maturity.

However, we can’t help feeling pride of having this freedom and those scarves of May Square that ensure the tyrants� day won’t pass into oblivion. These are bedrocks on which our place in international community, as a modern country, is based.

It wouldn’t matter our democracy isn’t working properly now if we acknowledged that we are still trainees in democratic practice. It would mean we are aware that many due questions should be asked and political discourse redeemed amongst youths so that we realize that our just formal democracy is useless without allowing its spirit to drench our Argentinean behavior.

248 words.

Thank you
Jorge

[bud]

Jorge, this is excellent work! Not only is it well-written, with good use of complicated structures, but it is also quite poetic. I bet you have a great shot at that scholarship. Best of luck!.. Bud


The Democracy We May Have (no period at the end of a title)

Many Argentines (shared in/witnessed/experienced) the birth of democracy in 1983.

It was that greatest time, when all of us were certain democracy would bring food, health and work, like a treble manna granted to our country by some kind of domestic God. (only change is the optional comma after 'time.' in a long sentence like this, it helps the reader to understand the sentence more readily)

After 20 years we have left behind that naiveness (this is correct, but more often "na�vet�" is used) and have just started wondering why our democracy must be looked after ('looked after' is correct, but I wonder if you really mean something a little stronger: monitored/guarded/supervised/policed) so that it renders what it was intended to yield.

We have learnt that democracy can take different forms which depends on peoples' (this may be correct, but I think you want "on a people's") customs, geography and history, and, some of its features may change with the rising (more likely "rise/emergence/birth") of new ideas, technological developments and coalitions between countries.

Therefore, we have a particular democracy which mirrors in some way what (good, but 'who' is probably a little better) we really are.

It speaks about our values as well as our shortcomings and seems to show that 20 years haven't been enough for our reaching democratic maturity. (no changes except maybe an optional comma before 'and')

However, we can't help feeling pride of (I'm not totally sure, but I think either 'pride at' or 'proud of') having this freedom and those scarves of May Square that ensure the tyrants� day won't pass into oblivion.

These are the bedrocks on (ok, I think, but "upon" is better) which our place in the international community, as a modern country, is based.

It wouldn't matter that our democracy isn't working properly now if we acknowledged that we are still trainees in democratic practice.

It would mean we are aware that many due (hmmm, consider "pertinent/probing/appropriate/applicable") questions should be asked and political discourse redeemed amongst youths so that we realize that our just (probably use "merely" instead) formal democracy is useless without allowing its spirit to drench our Argentinean behavior.
[/b]

[Smee]

Bud,
I don't know how to express my thankfulness to you.
The deadline is tomorrow and I'm going to study carefully your recommendations but at first sight they seem very fitting, besides I've learned to trust in your professionalism after so many times you gave me good advice.
Thank you again Bud.
Regards.
Jorge