Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[hanygeorge38]

Dear Bud,

I translated the following text from my mother language into english
and I need to know your comments, suggestion in regard to grammar
mistakes



Please be informed that as per the new customs regulation/notification
for all shipments enfolded in wood they will not be released unless
the wooden parts are fumigated and have the stamp indicating that they
were pre-fumigated at the loading port.

In case the shipment were not fumigated they are not released except
after the wood is re exported furthermore shipments contents will not
be released except after re exporting the wood resulting in delivery
delay as well as the very high cost.


Based on the above you are kindly requested not to dispatch any
shipment enfolded in wood unless these woods are fumigated and
have the stamp indicating that they were pre-fumigated at the
loading port
_________________
hany

[bud]

Hi Hany,

How are you?

I saw this yesterday, but didn't have time to answer it then. Here's my best try at it:
____________________________

Please be informed that as per the new customs regulation/notification
for all shipments enfolded in wood they will not be released unless
the wooden parts are fumigated and have the stamp indicating that they
were pre-fumigated at the loading port.

-- Many people and some dictionaries feel that "as per" is not the best of English expressions. I'd suggest "according to."

-- "Enfolded" - Try "encased" or "enclosed" instead. I'd probably choose "encased."

-- I don't think you really need "pre-fumigated." "Fumigated" works well enough because "at the loading port" conveys what you intend by using "pre-."

-- Add a comma after "wood." It's a bit of an awkward sentence, but I don't think that's a problem for this kind of "official" pronouncement.



In case the shipment were not fumigated they are not released except
after the wood is re exported furthermore shipments contents will not
be released except after re exporting the wood resulting in delivery
delay as well as the very high cost.

-- I think switching to singular (shipment) in this paragraph makes it easier to write. The focus is on what happens if a shipment has not complied with the regulation.

-- "In case the shipment" - I'd change this to "If the shipment," or maybe the more official-sounding "In the case that the shipment."

-- Due to the change to singular, "were" becomes "was" and "they are" becomes "it is."

-- I think both instances of "except" would be better as "until."

-- If you know that "re-exporting" is a common term in your business, then it is fine. If not, then probably "sent back" or "sent back to its loading port" would be appropriate.

-- I'd recommend "a very high cost."

-- "shipments contents" - I'd add "the" and an apostrophe: "the shipment's contents"



Based on the above you are kindly requested not to dispatch any
shipment enfolded in wood unless these woods are fumigated and
have the stamp indicating that they were pre-fumigated at the
loading port

-- "Enfolded" replaced by "encased."

-- Again, just "fumigate."

-- I'd probably change "these woods are" to singular, and change to the definite artticle: "the wood is" --- so "have" also has to be replaced by "has" and "they were" by "it was."

_________________

So my best effort at an edit ends up something like this (Note the punctuation):


Please be informed that according to the new customs regulation/notification for all shipments encased in wood, they will not be released unless the wooden parts are fumigated and have the stamp indicating that they were fumigated at the loading port.

If the shipment was not fumigated, it is not released until after the wood is re-exported. Furthermore, the shipment's contents will not be released until after re-exporting the wood, resulting in delivery delay as well as a very high cost.

Based on the above, you are kindly requested not to dispatch any shipment encased in wood unless the wood is fumigated and has the stamp indicating that it was fumigated at the loading port.



... Maybe others will comment, too, Hany.