Job Discussion Forums

[Stosskraft]

I have recently feeling I just don't "click" in Japan. Let me explain.

I am feeling more and more frustrated living here, and I think I have finally pinned down what is bothering me. I seem to be having alot of trouble making friends here. Every time I meet someone (male or female) and they say "call me" or "contact me", I will call and many times I will never hear a reply.

I have lived in other countries and I have never had this problem. Normally I make friends quite easily, but I just don't seem able to make any really friends here and Ive been here almost a year. Back home, I never had trouble meeting women and even abroad I seemed to always meet women whom, I could date but here its been almost non-exesitane, yet I read about the guys here bragging about the "constant" pool of women. Even the other foreigner teachers at my school have mentioned difficulty making friends and dating partners.

On top of this, I am getting really upset with small things happening at my school, last minute schedule changes, other foreigners never showing up on time, and when they do show up being hung over. I understand that now these things are bothering me, because I am getting a little depressed (?), but now its starting to affect my work performance. I have tried to get out of this rut, training in Karate and even running when time permits. I have even tried meeting women online, with almost no success. I am starting to wonder now if I just don't "click" (understand) with Japan.

Right now I am contemplating 2 things. My contract is finished in February and I was planning on going back home for the holidays and then going to Vietnam to find a new job. A part of me even wants to return to Japan and try working in another city, but this just seems like asking for more "punishment" so to speak.

Now I am considering pulling a runner and just going to Tokyo for a few days to relax and then teach part-time until December( I have several contact that have offered me part-time work, and then return to Canada. I am fully aware of the implications of this idea, and normally I would not even think about it, but the current situation at my school has lead to start thinking about this. Option 2, is just stay and try to last until the new year, but I am concerned as I have never really felt this out-of-place living abroad.

I am just hoping to get some feed back if anyone out there has gone through the same thing? What did you do? What could you suggest?

I am also afraid that if I just leave Japan now or in the next few months. I am going to think I failed here. I know it sounds silly, but the other places I have been I have made great friends and a great time and left more or less on good terms. I would love to say the same about leaving Japan, but right now it would be the complete opposite.

Thanks for any input and sorry for boring anyone to tears.

sad in Japan.

[spidey]

Stosskraft,

Don't give up hope for Japan. Once some positive things start to come your way you will start to feel better. I speak from experience. You seem to be going through a very typical phase that many people experience in their time here in Japan. Sometimes even just hearing the language can cause you to cringe. It will pass.
As far as meeting people and making friends, here's a suggestion...
...go to your local international center and check out the bulletin board. You will always find people looking for language exchange partners and what not. At the same time, write your own posting and pin it up there with the rest. In no time at all you will be getting lots of responses. Believe me, it works.

good luck

S

[SEndrigo]

Hey Stosskraft,

What you're going through has happened to many people here, so no worries.

Japan takes a while to get used to, and it is normal to feel that way when you've completed almost a year here.

Whereabouts in Japan do you live? That may be one of the reasons you have difficulties meeting people.

Anyway, I would say hang in there, this is a beautiful time of year, good things are just around the corner for you!

[Nismo]

Japan is notorious for having a "friend barrier". People will act like your friends - be very polite, and inviting - but what you soon come to realize is that it is just an act. Actually, the more polite they are to you, the further out of their "circle of friends" you are.

This is not an official time span, but it's often said to take around a year to actually make a true friend in Japan, the kind of friendship you might find normal back home.

The thing that irks me is Japan prides itself on being so polite, but what it brushes away is that being polite is just a cover up of everyone's true feelings, which basically shows that being polite is tantamount to flat out lying.

It's the culture-shock roller coaster you're riding, and you're on a dip. Don't try too hard; it'll right itself.

[Brooks]

a change of scenery may help.
There are nicer places than Tochigi.

[Revenant]

There is a good J. Bennet article about being a marginal (in this case a person who lives on the "edge or marigin" of one culture).

It divides folks into two types of marginals: Encapsulated and Constructive.

Encapsulated feel they are unable to fit into the second culture they are living in and in some cases returning to their own home culture has the same results of not fitting in to. Thus they feel trapped or in a capsule betwixed and between the two (or more) cultures.

A constructive marginal is one who has realized and constructed an identity and ability to cope with living in the cultures (though of course they still in encounter problems just like anyone else.).

Based on reading that article, you sound exactly like someone feeling like an encapsulated marginal. Its not something anyone can help you get through perse as the way from there to a constructive framework is more self realization than much else, though others who are aware of your difficulty around you can help you to see you aren't unique or singular in your experience... which is one of the first steps of forming a constructive framework.


All that said...

You don't feel you identify with others or have difficulty making friends. This is very normal. Introvert type personalities tend to struggle with this difficulty more (and you may find that you are an introvert in Japan yet were not in your home country... again normal).

All I can tell you is that you are your own best resource as far as finding ways to deal with your frustrations etc. Look for ways to continue placing yourself in the line of making friends.. eventually you may find some that become long lasting friends etc. But the less people you encounter, the less your chances in general.

Also take time to think about yourself too. Are there any possible things you are doing tht make your efforts counter productive? Remember the rules for making friends or companions are not universal even within the culture itself.

Becareful to compare your successes with relationship etc to that of the experiences of others. If you can do so from a standpoint to help you improve yourself then fine... thats constructive. If you are doing so and it is making you down or apathetic to continue your pursuits, then stop. Otherwise you'll place yourself in a viscious circle (which perhaps is what you are doing now).

But I'd like to qualify all of this though with one final thought. (Insert place/country/etc of your choice) is not for everyone. Yes, you can learn to adapt eventually to X place but perhaps you would thrive more readily some place else based on who you are. The problem is that is something you have to assess for yourself. But if you don't have the luxury to leave (as say a refugee or someone with family ties etc) then you have to make do with what you can.

Things will work out. Of that I am confident simply because you've taken the effort to consult with others over what to do with your situation. I think you could make it work in Japan but that's just my personal opinion. People often shy away from challenge or adversity or run in full force to only find themselves in worse shape.

I say just lean into it. That way your heading in the right direction but only feel a lil burn as you go

Hope this helps.

[Sweetsee]

Hi Stosskraft,

Sorry you got the blues, bound to happen here.
Focus on the positive, think about the fun you are going to have soon.
And remember, the depth of our suffering is equal to the height of our success. I guess what that means is that the more down you feel, the greater will be your reward someday.

Consider yourself a friend in training, do all the fun stuff you want to do with someone by yourself and then when you do make some friends you will be the best friend they ever had.

Cheer up, enjoy nature.


Kind regards,
s

[freddie's friend daniel]

[sushi]

Forgive me for asking Stosskraft, but how did you try meeting people on line. Are there sites for Japan in English?

[madeira]

Somebody told me once "It takes three months to get into a new town". (This doesn't apply to Victoria, BC. It takes much longer there.) I think it takes at least three years here.

Look around you, too. A lot of the 'natives' don't really have friends. Sure, they have people from childhood that they meet once or twice a year, but it's more an 'obligation' than a friendship. Same with the co-workers.

What are your expectations of a friend, too? I have a few here now. I don't expect to hear from them that often. If we can meet once or twice a year, that's great! People are so busy. The hours they work leave very little time for hanging out/playing music/whatever you did with friends in other countries. The trains stopping at midnight are another constraint. And the generally tiny houses. I have the room to put at least 10 people up for the night, but Japanese people aren't used to the offer, never mind the reality of so much space.

I'll bet I haven't said even one useful thing, but I've tried!

[PAULH]

I remember reading somewhere that when you are looking for a girlfreind they are nowhere to be found. Once you get one all sorts of new potential girlfriends pop out of the woodwork as they try and tempt you away from her.


Maybe its becuase you are trying too hard (no so much for a girlfriend, but you know what i mean). probably what you have to do is do things you would do at home, be involved, be busy dont worry so much about 'looking' for people as you could be coming across as "needy". If you look as though you want to be picked up or adopted it could be showing in your body language without you realising it.

be your own man, do lots of things whether you meet people or not and you will attract people to you. I have done the girl hunt thing at bars and I dont think anyone meets girls or girlfriends in a bar, it all seems so forced and artificial, like going to a single's bar.

Have you thought of things like JALT, ETJ, perhaps join a sports team of some kind? Join a hiking club. JALT for example has 40 chapters, about 2000 members and something going on every week of the year. Great place to meet people if you make the effort.

PS I will also add that I have lived in Japan for a long time and cant say i have any realise close Japanese friends or people I would call 'life long freinds" but more like acquaintances and drinking buddies, and dont even know my wifes friends all that well. There is some kind of invisible wall there in my mind as I wasnt born here, so I just make an effort to go out and enjoy my life anyway, and live it on my terms. You will meet people that way without really having to 'try'.

[denise]

I second the suggestion to go to the nearest international center. That's how I met my only Japanese pseudo-friends. Whether or not they develop into what you might consider "real" friends or not, you will at least have someone to chat with, have lunch with, etc.

Don't worry about feeling like you've failed. It sounds like you have been trying--you haven't just been moping at home, dissing Japan for being so different/Japanese/etc. No need to blame yourself! If you've had successful experiences in other places, then you know that you are capable of adapting to new places. If Japan doesn't do anything for you, maybe it's time to move on to somewhere where you will be happy.

d

[nomadder]

I would stick it out to the end of the contract. You won't feel good being a quitter and it won't be good for those to follow you. By that time you'll know if there is anything in Japan worth staying for.

In my first job I had a horrible head teacher that I dreaded every day and I got really sick of the incestual foreigner scene in my small, boring city but I made it to the end and went to a different place which was better but still not amazing socially. I had access to Tokyo and Yokohama though.

Dating the Japanese is not for everyone and that posting about a waiting pool of Japanese girls turned my stomach. I hate to think of Japanese girls being used that way. I get the impression you're deeper than that.

If you decide to stay you will need interests to focus on and hopefully you'll meet people through those. On the other hand a stint in Southeast Asia may be just the thing and you could go back to Japan later if you're still interested.

Funny someone mentioned BC as I was thinking the same thing-the same unreturned phonecalls etc. Must be the North Pacific.

[Jizzo T. Clown]

I'd say just try to remember what brought you to Japan in the first place and try to see those reasons in daily life. You're very fortunate to be working in a country like Japan--many people back home would kill to be in your position (whether they'd admit it or not).

While I was over there a good day of window shopping always made me feel better...or taking some unknown subway line to some unknown place, you know--getting lost on purpose. Photography is very therapeutic and Japan is a great place for it!

[guest of Japan]

Hey Stosskraft,

As I recall you're in Utsunomiya. Many of the Japanese there are pretty timid to getting to know foreigners, but the friendships that may develop can actually be pretty strong compared to other parts of Japan.

Foreigners in Japan can often be a bit closed off to newcomers. I've been living in Funabashi for a year and a half and I've just finally woven myself into the group of foreigners at the local watering hole. It's partly my fault for taking so long. One marriage limits my chances for going out and two, I had lost my confidence to do so. When you jump in on a conversation you may feel like a complete ass for a bit, but if they are good people that feeling will pass quickly. Once you know one or two people they tend to introduce you to everyone else and from there you are golden.

As for girls, it's really just about confidence. I know people who went a whole year here without even so much as a date, who suddenly find themselves to be quite popular with the girls. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to why this happens as there doesn't seem to be any sort of constant trait of the guys. The only thing that stands out to me is that if a guy shows interest in a girl here (and vice versa) a relationship often develops. You just have to take a chance and talk to the girls. And always go for e-mail addresses.

On a final note, don't expect many Japanese female friends.

Will yourself to have a good time and you will.