Job Discussion Forums

[Stosskraft]

I have recently feeling I just don't "click" in Japan. Let me explain.

I am feeling more and more frustrated living here, and I think I have finally pinned down what is bothering me. I seem to be having alot of trouble making friends here. Every time I meet someone (male or female) and they say "call me" or "contact me", I will call and many times I will never hear a reply.

I have lived in other countries and I have never had this problem. Normally I make friends quite easily, but I just don't seem able to make any really friends here and Ive been here almost a year. Back home, I never had trouble meeting women and even abroad I seemed to always meet women whom, I could date but here its been almost non-exesitane, yet I read about the guys here bragging about the "constant" pool of women. Even the other foreigner teachers at my school have mentioned difficulty making friends and dating partners.

On top of this, I am getting really upset with small things happening at my school, last minute schedule changes, other foreigners never showing up on time, and when they do show up being hung over. I understand that now these things are bothering me, because I am getting a little depressed (?), but now its starting to affect my work performance. I have tried to get out of this rut, training in Karate and even running when time permits. I have even tried meeting women online, with almost no success. I am starting to wonder now if I just don't "click" (understand) with Japan.

Right now I am contemplating 2 things. My contract is finished in February and I was planning on going back home for the holidays and then going to Vietnam to find a new job. A part of me even wants to return to Japan and try working in another city, but this just seems like asking for more "punishment" so to speak.

Now I am considering pulling a runner and just going to Tokyo for a few days to relax and then teach part-time until December( I have several contact that have offered me part-time work, and then return to Canada. I am fully aware of the implications of this idea, and normally I would not even think about it, but the current situation at my school has lead to start thinking about this. Option 2, is just stay and try to last until the new year, but I am concerned as I have never really felt this out-of-place living abroad.

I am just hoping to get some feed back if anyone out there has gone through the same thing? What did you do? What could you suggest?

I am also afraid that if I just leave Japan now or in the next few months. I am going to think I failed here. I know it sounds silly, but the other places I have been I have made great friends and a great time and left more or less on good terms. I would love to say the same about leaving Japan, but right now it would be the complete opposite.

Thanks for any input and sorry for boring anyone to tears.

sad in Japan.

[spidey]

Stosskraft,

Don't give up hope for Japan. Once some positive things start to come your way you will start to feel better. I speak from experience. You seem to be going through a very typical phase that many people experience in their time here in Japan. Sometimes even just hearing the language can cause you to cringe. It will pass.
As far as meeting people and making friends, here's a suggestion...
...go to your local international center and check out the bulletin board. You will always find people looking for language exchange partners and what not. At the same time, write your own posting and pin it up there with the rest. In no time at all you will be getting lots of responses. Believe me, it works.

good luck

S

[SEndrigo]

Hey Stosskraft,

What you're going through has happened to many people here, so no worries.

Japan takes a while to get used to, and it is normal to feel that way when you've completed almost a year here.

Whereabouts in Japan do you live? That may be one of the reasons you have difficulties meeting people.

Anyway, I would say hang in there, this is a beautiful time of year, good things are just around the corner for you!

[Nismo]

Japan is notorious for having a "friend barrier". People will act like your friends - be very polite, and inviting - but what you soon come to realize is that it is just an act. Actually, the more polite they are to you, the further out of their "circle of friends" you are.

This is not an official time span, but it's often said to take around a year to actually make a true friend in Japan, the kind of friendship you might find normal back home.

The thing that irks me is Japan prides itself on being so polite, but what it brushes away is that being polite is just a cover up of everyone's true feelings, which basically shows that being polite is tantamount to flat out lying.

It's the culture-shock roller coaster you're riding, and you're on a dip. Don't try too hard; it'll right itself.

[Brooks]

a change of scenery may help.
There are nicer places than Tochigi.

[Revenant]

There is a good J. Bennet article about being a marginal (in this case a person who lives on the "edge or marigin" of one culture).

It divides folks into two types of marginals: Encapsulated and Constructive.

Encapsulated feel they are unable to fit into the second culture they are living in and in some cases returning to their own home culture has the same results of not fitting in to. Thus they feel trapped or in a capsule betwixed and between the two (or more) cultures.

A constructive marginal is one who has realized and constructed an identity and ability to cope with living in the cultures (though of course they still in encounter problems just like anyone else.).

Based on reading that article, you sound exactly like someone feeling like an encapsulated marginal. Its not something anyone can help you get through perse as the way from there to a constructive framework is more self realization than much else, though others who are aware of your difficulty around you can help you to see you aren't unique or singular in your experience... which is one of the first steps of forming a constructive framework.


All that said...

You don't feel you identify with others or have difficulty making friends. This is very normal. Introvert type personalities tend to struggle with this difficulty more (and you may find that you are an introvert in Japan yet were not in your home country... again normal).

All I can tell you is that you are your own best resource as far as finding ways to deal with your frustrations etc. Look for ways to continue placing yourself in the line of making friends.. eventually you may find some that become long lasting friends etc. But the less people you encounter, the less your chances in general.

Also take time to think about yourself too. Are there any possible things you are doing tht make your efforts counter productive? Remember the rules for making friends or companions are not universal even within the culture itself.

Becareful to compare your successes with relationship etc to that of the experiences of others. If you can do so from a standpoint to help you improve yourself then fine... thats constructive. If you are doing so and it is making you down or apathetic to continue your pursuits, then stop. Otherwise you'll place yourself in a viscious circle (which perhaps is what you are doing now).

But I'd like to qualify all of this though with one final thought. (Insert place/country/etc of your choice) is not for everyone. Yes, you can learn to adapt eventually to X place but perhaps you would thrive more readily some place else based on who you are. The problem is that is something you have to assess for yourself. But if you don't have the luxury to leave (as say a refugee or someone with family ties etc) then you have to make do with what you can.

Things will work out. Of that I am confident simply because you've taken the effort to consult with others over what to do with your situation. I think you could make it work in Japan but that's just my personal opinion. People often shy away from challenge or adversity or run in full force to only find themselves in worse shape.

I say just lean into it. That way your heading in the right direction but only feel a lil burn as you go

Hope this helps.

[Sweetsee]

Hi Stosskraft,

Sorry you got the blues, bound to happen here.
Focus on the positive, think about the fun you are going to have soon.
And remember, the depth of our suffering is equal to the height of our success. I guess what that means is that the more down you feel, the greater will be your reward someday.

Consider yourself a friend in training, do all the fun stuff you want to do with someone by yourself and then when you do make some friends you will be the best friend they ever had.

Cheer up, enjoy nature.


Kind regards,
s

[freddie's friend daniel]