Job Discussion Forums

[artemisia]

I was recently asked who I live with � gave a limited, cagey answer.

Sometimes I�m surprised students are so curious, but other times, in other classes they don�t seem to be. If they're in their early 20s I expect them to be pretty much involved with themselves & their own age group. If possible, I hedge around questions (or hints) around age, marital status etc. I don't ask them about personal stuff (and sometimes alter speaking exercises that I think are too personal). No one has ever asked me about salary- but sometimes they make comments about how teachers don�t earn much! (I should probably be hinting at all the mega-bucks I earn, ha ha).
I'm sure other teachers might not mind answering nosy questions - indeed might like get in first and talk at length about themselves - but me - I'm a dark horse. I like to keep �em guessing. Still, I�ve not yet come up with a good response to a direct �Are you married?� other than actually having to answer it.

[Lamentations]

You might consider - "Not at this time." It seems to leave them wondering.

If by chance they press you for more info and you think, which a lot do, that if you say you aren't/were never married they will think there is something wrong with you - simply lie. Tell them you are divorced and your daughter lives with her mother, assuming you are male and have never been married.

If you really want to get them going, you could tell the inquisitors a story about how your friend told you that he saw your ex-wife kissing another guy in a restaurant and took a picture of them. You then asked your wife and she denied eating with/kissing another man. You then showed her the picture and kicked her out of the house and filed for divorce. Then, turn the tide by having the class discuss what they'd do in such a situation.

Imagine - you see your BF/GF kissing another person. What would you do? How would you feel? etc....

It works wonders in China.

[Glenski]

"Are you married?"

Yes, to my work.

Now, about that past participle lesson we were just going through...

[mimi_intheworld]

I try to be selective about what I share about my personal life, as my family is...colorful, to say the least. When I worked with inner-city, low-income kids, sharing some of my family stories has helped them look beyond the privileged white woman veneer I can't help but present to the world (being, as I am, a relatively privileged white woman).

Actual personal questions I tend to deflect, similar to Glenski's response, above.
Or...

"Do you have kids, Miss? Do you want kids, Miss?"

When would I ever have time, with all of the children I teach every day? - is a common response. It works. And back we go to the lesson.

And sometimes I turn the question back on the student. "Are you married, Miss?" --Are you? It's ridiculous sometimes, esp with younger students, but silliness can gloss over the fact that you didn't share any personal information, and back to the lesson we go.

[denise]

I'm 34, not married, live alone, was once engaged, have no kids. Those things I don't mind revealing. If they pity me for being single, well, I really don't care. I never offer the information, but if they ask, I don't lie or avoid the questions. And I never reveal anything about my personal life that would be inappropriate--I'd probably just get myself into trouble if I did! (Living where I do...)

d

[Glenski]

"Do you like Japanese girls/boys?"

Oh, let me think... hmmm, yes, sometimes, but only with barbecue sauce and cooked very well done.

"Do you want kids?"

Well, one at a time is enough. My blender is not very big.

Gives them something to ponder, and then move on quickly, winking at one student who you know got it.

[Lamentations]

I guess it depends on where you live and what the culture there thinks about unmarried people over 30 or so, Denise.

I live in China and in the past have told students that I'm not married and have no kids. 1 student then told me the next week that his Father thought there was something wrong with me!

I could have told him even more of the truth, but like to keep my "affairs" private. (I enjoy scorned Chinese women who remain married in name only, xiao jie's which are a dime a dozen here and other easy prey).

In my opinion, in certain situations, a little white lie is best.

It's better than an arranged marriage!

[denise]

Maybe it depends on the culture, but where I live, an unmarried woman in her 30s is an oddity. (I'm in one of those cultures!) It still doesn't bother me. They can think whatever they want. I'm certainly not going to rush out and get married just to fit into their culture's role for a woman. Nor will I lie about it. I'm unmarried, not ashamed of it, and not bothered by people who think it's weird. And I'm sure there are expats here who pity me, too... I still don't care. It's my life, not theirs.

Yes, I will tell white lies about other things. But I don't consider "Are you married?" to be too personal, nor do I think my answer is wrong.

d

[MrMrLuckyKhan]

I'll answer almost any question (truthfully) that they might ask, unless it would be inappropriate to do so. I usually feel like sharing as much as I can about myself with them because they get to learn more about my culture (for lack of a better word??) that just about grammar, etc.

But, I really like Glenski's idea too!!

[Justin Trullinger]

It's hard to have a general rule for this that works.

For me, it's more of a case by case thing.

For a number of years, I was unmarried, but living with a partner. I didn't want my marital status, or lack thereof, to be an issue or a problem in the classroom. But at the same time, I didn't feel like it was something that belonged "in the closet."

Sometimes I answered, sometimes I didn't.

I don't want to be the focus of the class. It was always a guess, whether it would draw more focus to answer, or not to.

I won't lie, though. Just sort of beneath my dignity, somehow.

I know some women in Latin America who are single, though, and invent phantom boyfriends for telling students about. I can't say I disapprove, as known single women too often get unwanted attention.

All the best,
Justin

[basiltherat]

If we feel uncomfortable about answering a personal question, I think we should be upfront about it and have a perfect right to say ..

"Excuse me, but I would rather not answer."

What's all this about lying ? Is it really necessary ? Problem nowadays is we tend to skirt around the issue of responding to personal questions instead of responding with an answer such as the above head on. No need for anger, aggression or embarrassment; simply respond politely.

My tuppenceworth.

Best
Basil

[fladude]

It depends really on what they ask me..... Most of the time, I just answer the question. I really don't live a very controversial life. On the other hand, if they ask me questions about whether I ever did drugs or something like that (20 years ago) then I just answer honestly and say no never, nothing of the sort....

[artemisia]

I like some of the suggestions here but be upfront and say I don't want to answer??- Nah, still just like to keep 'em guessing!

Seriously, as Justin says, it is a case by case basis for me, too. How I answer (or not) depends on how long I'll have the class, probably the average age, their level of English and what sort of rapport I have with them. It's not a question of embarrassment or lying, but more about not wanting to be pigeon-holed and feeling obliged to satisfy their curiosity- just for the sake of it.
Basiltherat - that might work with ESOL students but would you say "Excuse me, but I would rather not answer." at a party? My feeling is most people would react negatively to that, feel rebuffed and possibly think the person who said it rude/ unfriendly (though not necessarily tell you this).
It seems the act of refusing to answer is considered rude in most English speaking cultures - (just to wildly generalise here!)- no matter how politely you do it. I've seen this in lots of situations.

[Big Poppa Pump]

I usually have a student or four I nominate to be my son or daughter and I'm always married to four or so of the girls in class.

Oh my poor coteachers...

[Lamentations]

I still think my original response is the best = "Not at this time." It will certainly keep them guessing.

You're not lying if you're not married and aren't exactly saying you've never been married.

As for my 2nd suggestion, if you feel funny "lying", change a few words around and insinuate the story about the spouse being caught cheating.

A good reply could be like this

Student - "Teacher, are you married?"
Teacher - "Not at this time"
Student - "Were you ever married?"
Teacher - "As I said, not at this time. Ok class, I have an idea - imagine etc...Please discuss that."