Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[cathylover]

I'll have a presentation next week. It needs to speak a joke in English.
Is anybody knows some funny English jokes?
Tell me please.Thank you very very much!

mail:[email protected]
_________________
Signature:
I love all the days passed throw my life...
Just like how much I am loving you...

[RedRose]

I got one! here you go!

A: Have you even heard that a guy got caught by his parents as he gave his girlfriend a kiss?

B: No, what happened?

A: His girlfriend closed her legs quickly and then she broke his eyeglasses

[ClarissaMach]

I found this one very funny:

Learn to speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
_________________
Stormy Weather.

[ClarissaMach]

[cathylover]

Thank you!!!!!
_________________
Signature:
I love all the days passed throw my life...
Just like how much I am loving you...

[ad-miral]

1. ship traffic control

An admiral of a big NATO Aircraft battlecruiser saw a signal -maybe another ship- standing in their planned route. The admiral send a message:

"Unknown, unknown, please change your route for avoiding collision."

After some seconds he got a reply from the signal:

"Sorry, we can't change our position, please change your route for avoiding collision."

The admiral got angry, why should a big carrier change its route for a small ship or fishing boat? He grabs the speaker and shouted:

"This is the last warning, you ignorant! We haven't told you yet because we thought it doesn't need to mention but we are here on military mission. Here is the first NATO battlecruiser!"

After some seconds he got another message:

"This is the lighthouse, please change your route for avoiding collision."




2. girl's night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the c-ocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'




3. at the secretary

The General Manager comes into the working room of his secretary,
just at this time the secretary farted. The general manager likes the beautiful secretary, so he wanted to make a small joke about her:

"Oh dear that's such a pleasing voice, can you tell me from where this dialect comes from?"

"The origin of this dialect is not far away from your place of birth."
_________________
If I say "I love you" to someone, then I also have to say "I also love everyone else inside you, I love the whole world because of you, I also love myself inside you." -- Erich Fromm, the Art of Love

[RedRose]

[garfield_jesse]

[RedRose]

Ok, then here is a clean joke, it's really funny!

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[ClarissaMach]

Hey, this topic is getting really interesting.

I already knew some of the jokes you guys have posted, but in Portuguese!

Here is another one:

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
_________________
Stormy Weather.

[ClarissaMach]

And another:


A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
_________________
Stormy Weather.

[CP]

Here is my favorite "dumb blonde" joke. Maybe your class will like this:

A blind man goes into a bar and orders a drink at the bar. Then he says in a loud voice, "Anybody want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

A man standing behind him answers:

"Look, buddy, you're blind, so you don't know. But the guy on your left is a professional boxer, and he's blond. The guy on your right is a professional football player, and he's blond. And I'm a professional wrestler, and I'm blond. Are you sure you want to tell a dumb blonde joke now?"

"No," said the blind man. "Not if I have to explain it three times."
_________________
You live a new life for every new language you speak. -Czech proverb

[CP]

Okay, my second-favorite "dumb blonde" joke:

A blonde is walking along a river and sees another blonde on the other side of the river.

"Hey," she calls out, "how do you get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"
_________________
You live a new life for every new language you speak. -Czech proverb

[ad-miral]

RedRose, Clarissa and CP (however you can chose 3 names of your teachers) made a deal: The one of them who can don't run away because of the bad smell (in a farm full of pigs) wins.
So the three collected enough food and drink and went.

After a week Clarissa went away, she said, if she stood longer, her child would be ill if she comes near him/ her.

Then there is RR and CP remaining, they fought a great match but at the end RR had to be taken away by the ambulance because the smell made her lose her sense.

At last only CP stayed there, he still had a lot of water and food. So the days continue and continue.

After five days all the pigs took refuge and fleed from the farm.
_________________
If I say "I love you" to someone, then I also have to say "I also love everyone else inside you, I love the whole world because of you, I also love myself inside you." -- Erich Fromm, the Art of Love

[RedRose]