Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

cathylover · Joined: 19 Sep 2006 Posts: 9 Location: bj

I'll have a presentation next week. It needs to speak a joke in English.
Is anybody knows some funny English jokes?
Tell me please.Thank you very very much! Smile

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RedRose · Joined: 21 May 2004 Posts: 2735 Location: GuangZhou, China

I got one! here you go!

A: Have you even heard that a guy got caught by his parents as he gave his girlfriend a kiss?

B: No, what happened?

A: His girlfriend closed her legs quickly and then she broke his eyeglasses

ClarissaMach · Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:45 am Post subject:

I found this one very funny:

Learn to speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
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ClarissaMach · Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:51 am Post subject:

cathylover · Joined: 19 Sep 2006 Posts: 9 Location: bj

Thank you!!!!!
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ad-miral · Joined: 01 Sep 2006 Posts: 1488

1. ship traffic control

An admiral of a big NATO Aircraft battlecruiser saw a signal -maybe another ship- standing in their planned route. The admiral send a message:

"Unknown, unknown, please change your route for avoiding collision."

After some seconds he got a reply from the signal:

"Sorry, we can't change our position, please change your route for avoiding collision."

The admiral got angry, why should a big carrier change its route for a small ship or fishing boat? He grabs the speaker and shouted:

"This is the last warning, you ignorant! We haven't told you yet because we thought it doesn't need to mention but we are here on military mission. Here is the first NATO battlecruiser!"

After some seconds he got another message:

"This is the lighthouse, please change your route for avoiding collision."

2. girl's night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the c-ocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

3. at the secretary

The General Manager comes into the working room of his secretary,
just at this time the secretary farted. The general manager likes the beautiful secretary, so he wanted to make a small joke about her:

"Oh dear that's such a pleasing voice, can you tell me from where this dialect comes from?"

"The origin of this dialect is not far away from your place of birth."
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RedRose · Joined: 21 May 2004 Posts: 2735 Location: GuangZhou, China

garfield_jesse · Joined: 17 Oct 2005 Posts: 271

RedRose · Joined: 21 May 2004 Posts: 2735 Location: GuangZhou, China

Ok, then here is a clean joke, it's really funny!

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."